


All My Stars

by Why_do_you_want_to_know



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Magical Realism, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Amnesia, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Artist Castiel (Supernatural), Awesome Charlie Bradbury, Best Friends, Bully Dean Winchester, But I promise it will get better, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel Needs a Hug (Supernatural), Charlie Bradbury & Dean Winchester Friendship, Dean Winchester Has Magic, Dean Winchester Has Nightmares, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, Depressed Dean Winchester, Dreams, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gabe is a good bro, Gabriel is a good big brother, Hurt Dean Winchester, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, I know I've tagged angst at least twice, I probably missed something here...., I'm Sorry, I'm actually sorry, Idiots in Love, Kidnapping, Kinda?, Lost Love, M/M, Magic, Mild Language, Mistaken Identity, Misunderstandings, Nightmares, Protective Castiel (Supernatural), Slow Burn, So much angst, So much confusion, Soulmates, They are just so stupid, Worried Sam Winchester, all the hugs are needed, also a few more brain cells...., and also idiots, but seriously, for some reason, just plain simple idiots, no beta we die like men, so many angst, that would be useful, they have one brain cell between them, ummmmmm, we love them anyway, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:06:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 59
Words: 82,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22150765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Why_do_you_want_to_know/pseuds/Why_do_you_want_to_know
Summary: Everyone has something they need. Something which keeps them sane, keeps them thriving, keeps them going on the correct path. For some people it's their pet. For some it's a toy. For some, their family.But for Dean Winchester it was his best friend, Castiel Novak. They had met when they were only tiny babies, but from that day onward, they were inseparable and as they grew, so did their bond. Every adult who knew them knew one thing, they were more than friends, they were made for each other. But they were only young, so they called what they felt for each other "best friends". It was the biggest understatement in all of history.When Castiel got kidnapped, Dean's world caved in and he didn't think anything would ever be the same again. He changed himself, fuelled by nightmares and a general hate for the world, pushing away everyone who cared about him. Eight years later a new boy moved to his school, and everything started to change all over again.
Relationships: Benny Lafitte & Dean Winchester, Castiel (Supernatural) & Everyone, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Charlie Bradbury & Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Everyone, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Gabriel & Dean Winchester, Jo Harvelle & Dean Winchester, John Winchester/Mary Winchester
Comments: 651
Kudos: 276
Collections: The Destiel Fan Survey Favs Collection





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!!!! This is my first fic of 2020, so I just want to wish you all a happy new year!!!  
> Soooooo...... This is a long fic which I've wanted to write since... I think it was the summer? A long time anyway. So I'm really happy to finally get writing it!!!  
> I hope you all like this as much as I liked writing it!!
> 
> Also.... I don't know why so many of my titles include stars..... It just happened..... Take from that what you will.

Everyone has something they need. Something which keeps them sane, keeps them thriving, keeps them going on the correct path. For some people it's their pet. For some it's a toy. For some, their family.

But for Dean Winchester it was his best friend, Castiel Novak. They had met when they were only tiny babies, but from that day onward, they were inseparable and as they grew, so did their bond. Every adult who knew them knew one thing, they were more than friends, they were made for each other. But they were only young, so they called what they felt for each other "best friends". It was the biggest understatement in all of history.

***

"Come onnnn Cas, let's go to the park!" Dean called. It was a beautiful sunny day, the best they had all summer, and a mixture of sunny weather and 8 year old energy meant that Dean just couldn't sit still. He already had green sparks jumping from his fingers and he wasn't even trying.

Castiel Novak, Dean's best friend, was the complete opposite of Dean. While Dean was loud, he was quiet. While Dean was Hyper, he was calm. While Dean always liked being the centre of attention, he was quite happy sitting back and watching. While Dean would often accidentally spark with magic, Cas had a much tighter control over his. So tight that only Dean actually knew what colour it was.

With all the differences, no one could quite tell why they worked so well. You would think that their friendship would just end up with Castiel being walked all over and forgotten by Dean, but instead they balanced each other out. Castiel made Dean sit still and quiet every now and then, and Dean helped Castiel be more confident and outgoing.

Overall they really were made for each other.

"Calm down Dean." Castiel replied, ignoring the green sparks which were jumping onto his paper; he knew they couldn't burn unless Dean wanted them to and he would never purposefully burn Cas' work. "I just want to finish my drawing, then we can go."

"But we've been drawing all morning! Can't we go out and enjoy the sun yet!" Dean complained, his voice high with youth.

"Ok, one moment." Castiel relented, just like he always did, before he started packing away his pencils and art supplies.

Castiel loved drawing, Dean didn't like it as much, but he was happy to sit and draw for a morning if it made Cas happy. Obviously, even he had a limit, especially on the hottest day of summer. Personally he preferred sports and whenever he wanted to play, Cas would always play with him, even though he didn't really enjoy it as much.

What were you drawing?" Dean asked.

"Oh, it doesn't matter." Cas said dismissively.

"Yes it does!" Dean said, before grabbing Cas' sketchbook, careful not to crease it at all. He took one look and froze, "Cas? Is this me?" He asked shocked. It was so good! It looked just like him, frown lines from staring too hard at his own drawing and all. Cas had even somehow managed to get his eyes the right colour, Dean could feel the glare he had been sending to his messed up cat from here!

Cas looked up startled, "Yes, it is. I know it's not the best but -"

"Cas this is amazing!" Dean cut him off "it looks just like me!" He held up his own picture with a grimace, "look, I can't even draw a cat correctly and you can draw that!"

Cas blushed, the red tint making his blue eyes look even bluer. "If you like it so much, you can have it."

"Really!" Dean asked, shocked, having to drag himself away from drowning in Cas' blue crystals which people called eyes.

"Yes, but it's not finished yet! You can't have it until it's finished."

Dean nodded, suddenly serious. "I promise I won't take it until it's finished."

Castiel laughed at his friends tone, before standing up "come on, weren't we going to the park?"

Dean's face suddenly brightened as he stood up as well, rushing down the stairs in a flurry of movement and sparks, and grabbing his shoes to pull them on, excited about finally getting out into the sun.

Cas walked down the stairs in a much calmer manner, pulling his shoes on carefully but still smiling widely.

Dean was about to complain, to tell Cas to hurry up, but the smile on Cas' face was enough to shut him up. He could wait a couple of minutes for Cas.

"Who's coming with us?" He asked, already bouncing with the urge to be outside.

"Umm… I think Gabriel said he would come as long as Mum gave him ice cream money for all of us." Cas said, unsure.

Dean hoped it was Gabriel. Cas' older brother was lots of fun and, to make matters even better, he nearly always got them sweets or ice cream while they were out.

"Sup losers." Gabriel said with not even a hint of malice in his tone, appearing from the kitchen, golden magic crackling around his fingers as the illusion of a rabbit hopped after him. A wave of his fingers caused the rabbit to collapse into a shower of sparks as he grabbed his shoes. "I have ice cream money and a curfew, lets go."

Dean laughed as he opened the door and they quickly walked to the park; they all just wanted to get there and make the most of the sun, while it was still around.

The park was beautiful, especially in the middle of summer. The sun shone brightly, bathing the bright green grass in light and making it seem even brighter. Sometimes Cas would joke and say that on days like today, the green of the grass was almost beautiful enough to rival Dean's eyes, Dean would always just blush and look away before muttering something about how Cas was one to talk, with his blue eyes which made the sea and the sky look grey. The flowers were in full bloom, making the ever beautiful borders look even more beautiful, and the play park section was full of children, teenagers and adults, either making the most of the equipment or just sitting on benches chatting. Dean waved at a couple of the boys he knew from school who were playing on the swings, but didn't stop to say hi, he was here to play with Cas, not those boys. The sky was bright and cloudless above the park, but on the very horizon there were some dark clouds. They were large, dark and foreboding but did nothing to disrupt the airy joy in the area. It was clearly going to thunderstorm later on, that was all, everyone had plenty of time to enjoy the sun before that happened.

As soon as they found a place to settle, Gabriel turned to the two younger boys, "ice cream first or games first?" He asked, a faux serious look on his face.

"Ice cream!" Dean and Cas yelled at the same time, synchronised as ever.

Gabriel chuckled as he walked to the ice cream truck, returning a few minutes later with 3 flake 99's.

"Here we go." He said. "Ice cream for you." He handed Cas his, "and for you," an ice cream to Dean "and to me!" He said, miming handing himself an ice cream "thank you me."

"Thanks Gabe" Cas said, licking his ice cream

"Thank you Gabriel." Dean said, nibbling his flake.

Dean smiled, content, the grass was warm where he had sat down on it, his best friend was next to him and he had an ice cream. Could life get any better?

Today just couldn't go wrong.

"Come on then." Gabriel said once they had finished their ice creams "what are we playing today."

Cas gave Dean a meaningful look and he laughed "hide and seek!"

Gabriel nodded, not surprised, it was the two friends favourite game. Gabriel had been roped into playing more games of hide and seek this summer than most people played in their entire lives.

"You're counting first! Remember, no magic!" Cas said, pointing at Gabe.

Gabriel sighed but didn't argue, they had been making him promise not to use magic for ages - ever since he magicked up a dog to sniff Cas and Dean out that one time - he quickly put his hands over his eyes and counting "1, 2, 3, 4,....."

Cas and Dean ran quickly, looking for a good enough hiding spot from the older boy. "Quick, in here." Dean said, ducking under a tree canopy, "we'll be able to climb this tree." Dean was good at climbing trees, he'd been climbing them since he was tall enough to grab the lowest branches and he just felt so free when he was up there. He felt so safe, far out of the grounds reach and up where the birds flew.

Cas smiled but shook his head "we can't hide in the same place," he said, like it was obvious and it was Dean who was being silly even suggesting it. "I'll go hide just over here." And with that he turned around, running back the way he came, determination filling his gaze as he tried to find a hiding place.

Dean wanted to argue, he had a bad feeling about this, but it was just hide and seek so he nodded and started up the tree.

"19, 20!" Dean heard, "ready or not here I come!"

That signalled Gabriel coming, Dean ducked low in his tree, making sure Gabe wouldn't be able to see him moving.

"What are you doing?" Dean heard Gabe yell, "get away from him!"

Dean shook his head, that dirty tactic wouldn't work today, he wasn't going to come running only to get caught. To be fair, Gabe had never tried to do it before, but it was an age old tactic. Dean remembered the time the other children at a party had tried to make him lose sleeping lions by saying there was cake. There wasn't actually. The cake wasn't served until later.

"Cas no!" This caught Dean's attention, the bad feeling in his gut had only multiplied and he was starting to think something bad was happening. He quickly jumped down from his tree and ran into the open, deciding that even if he did get caught it would be worth it to make sure Cas was ok.

He was out just in time to see a man holding a limp Cas. The man's face was covered and he was running in the opposite direction. The dark clouds had somehow come closer in the time Dean had been hiding and they were now right there, blocking the sun and bathing the entire park in a gloomy, grey glow.

"CAS!" he yelled seeing Cas' eyes flutter "Cas no!" His childish green sparks flickered out, but the distance was too long and he was too weak, too young, he couldn’t save Cas. Dean watched as Cas wiggled slightly but he was too weak, the man's grip too strong. Dean felt his heart break even more, the further the man carried Cas away from him. He saw Cas' eyes open just a little, a slit of brilliant blue met Dean's green gaze before slipping back closed.

Dean saw Gabriel sprinting after them, sparking golden with his magic, illusions appearing out of thin air and running with him, but the man ran into the woods and disappeared from view. It would be easy for him to get away from there, no one would be able to tell where he went.

"Dean stay right there, I'll get him back!" Gabriel yelled over his shoulder as he - and his illusions - disappeared beyond the tree line. At almost the exact moment Gabe disappeared from view, the heavens opened and the rain started to fall. In the corner of his mind Dean was shocked by how quickly the clouds had covered the sky, but the majority of his mind was focused on how quickly Cas had gone.

One moment everything was fine, the next everything was going wrong.

Dean stood there. He could feel the tears start to slip down his face and he knew he must be crackling with green energy. He could barely control the sparks on a good day, when he was emotional he had no chance. Stupid him, if he had just gotten Cas to join him up the tree Cas would be fine. If he had chosen any other game, Cas would be fine. If he had believed Gabe and come to investigate faster, then Cas would be fine.

If he hadn't been so desperate to get out into the sun, and they had just stayed inside, drawing, Cas would be fine. 

Stupid, stupid him.

Five minutes later, Gabriel appeared from the tree line, with no Cas. He was crying as he grabbed Dean's hand, "we need to get home, tell my parents Cas has been kidnapped, tell the police, they will find him." Gabe muttered between his sobs.

Dean couldn't help but notice that Gabe didn't seem to believe his own words, the uncontrolled, golden sparks surrounding the boy suggesting that he was as close to collapsing as Dean himself was.

*

Dean shot up in bed, gasping in lungs full of oxygen. His room was filled with green power and he knew that if he could be bothered to look, every plant in his room would be in full bloom, no matter whether it was out of season for the plant. It was a dream, it was all a dream.

He clutched a hand to his chest, trying to calm his racing heart and even out his breathing. He was crying, he knew that, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. It was dark, no one could see or hear him, and he had just dreamed about his best friend vanishing.

It was a dream. He was in his bed, in his house, in a completely different state to where his dream was set. It was a dream.

But the ache in his chest wasn't.

The ache which had been present since that day, ten years ago, when Cas disappeared. Since the one thing keeping him sane, left his life.

"Cas," he whispered to the silence of the night "I wish- I wish you were back - no, that's never going to happen," he reminded himself, amending it to, "I wish I didn't need you so damn much," another sigh, "but it's not like that's ever going to happen, everyone knows I need you, I've always needed you."

Dean wasn't religious, hadn't been since he had lost his best friend, but Cas was named after an angel, and he was the only angel Dean would ever even think about praying too.

Dean had been having that dream practically every night since it happened, but it was the only time he saw Cas' face so - despite how crazy he knew it made him seem - he didn't want it to stop.

His family had suggested he went to a therapist and he had, for a bit, but they couldn't help, not really, the only thing that could help was Cas coming back.

Dean sighed, flopping back onto his back. He turned his head, 3:02 his clock said; he wasn't surprised. He woke up around 3am like clockwork, always from the same dream. It would be a nightmare, except for the bit at the start, that made it a dream.

He closed his eyes, if he could get back to sleep then he may be able to get up tomorrow - today - without looking like a zombie.

Yeah right!

Like every other day, he got up in the morning, looking exactly like a  zombie.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!!! I'm back!! Sorry about the wait...... I did warn you and it isn't going to get any better. I'm still sorry about it though.  
> I actually don't have much to say today.... other than thanks for clicking on my fic..... Thanks to anyone who commented last chapter..... I'll see you at the end!!

Dean wasn't the same child he was back then, back before Cas disappeared.

Eight years passed and he reached his 16th birthday, the age of making eternal friendships and living life to its fullest. Everyone else was getting older, making friends, practicing their magic as it developed and grew in strength, learning important lessons, living their lives. 

That wasn't what Dean was doing. It may have been 8 years but he had yet to properly move on.

That day, the day Cas disappeared, was the start of a steep downwards spiral.

Cas' disappearance messed him up - messed him up a lot - more than anyone would have expected, even for an 8 year old whose best friend disappeared; he just couldn't seem to move past it all. 

At first he just stopped laughing, laughing truthfully anyway. He still fake laughed, after a bit he even laughed evilly; but his honest, happy laughs stopped that day.

Then he stopped smiling truthfully. He smirked or fake smiled but no happy smiles. No smiles which put the sun to shame and showed the true childish joy which used to fill Dean.

The loss of Cas stole his laughs, his smiles, his joy.

Cas had been missing a year when they moved. Dean didn't know it at the time, but his family had given up on Cas' ever turning up and they believed they all needed a new start.

Dean couldn't even look at the park without getting a panic attack and walking past Cas' house was almost as bad.

His panic attacks had reduced over the years, but he still sometimes woke up after a dream having a panic attack and he still had problems around parks. He hadn't climbed a tree since that day.

His family were worried about him then, but it only got worse.

After 3 years, the police abandoned the case. Castiel was presumed dead or at least never coming back. That was all it took, and Dean was pushed off the deep end. He was 11.

He refused to believe that Cas was dead. He would feel it, he would know. And he hadn't, so Cas wasn't dead. Everyone said he was kidding himself, lying in order to soften the blow, but he wasn't, Cas wasn't dead.

But everyone said he was.

It felt like he was falling. Falling with the ground in sight and he knew that soon he would crash down onto it, but he never reached it. He just kept falling and falling and falling. He was tumbling and twisting and trying to grab onto something to save himself but he just kept falling.

He was living in the constant anticipation of crashing, yet never reached the ground, just kept falling.

Within a day, he had stopped using his magic. Using it on purpose anyway. Since Cas had vanished, his magic had grown and specialised from the green sparks it had once been. Now he would wake up from nightmares with plants blooming all around him; that's why he owned so many plants. If he had to suffer through so many nightmares, at least something beautiful could come from it. Sometimes if he was especially emotional the grass would become a few shades brighter or a tree would grow a couple of inches, but he never did it on purpose. 

Within a week he was a completely different person. All his faith was gone and with the only thing that kept him sane gone - presumably forever - he just stopped being sane.

Within a month he had driven away all his friends. Everyone who knew what was good for them avoided him and he stopped caring about anything. He lost all human decency, he joined the bullies. 

His close friend Charlie tried to stick by his side. She knew him and Cas from when they were little, knew of how close they were and tried to help after Cas disappeared, but Dean drove her away and after he fell off the deep end, not even she could hold on.

After a year, even Sam tried to avoid him. He loved his brother, he really did, but he could barely remember what he was like before. He was only 4 when Cas disappeared and he could barely even believe his parent's stories of this happy, fun filled child with a love for life, who Dean apparently used to be.

From then on it was just bad decision after bad decision.

He and Gabriel still had each others numbers. He was the only person from before he still talked truthfully to. They would talk on Cas' birthday and once on the anniversary of Cas' kidnapping, and whenever they needed to talk to someone who would understand. Sometimes Dean called Gabe after a panic attack or after an especially bad day. Gabe understood, Gabe didn't try to avoid talking about Cas so they didn't set him off, he and Gabe could talk about Cas, about whether he was coming back, whether they thought he was alive, what his magic would have specialised into, what life would be like if he never got kidnapped. They were both there that day, so they stuck together, even as they drifted further and further apart.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Dean!" His mum yelled, pounding on the door "come on, you're going to be late for school if you don't get up now!"

Dean just rolled over, he had been up since 3am and was really not looking forward to having to get up and face the day. 

"DEAN!" His mum yelled again, her 'don't argue with me young man' voice on in full force.

Dean sighed but rolled out of bed, falling face first onto the floor when he couldn't be bothered to put his feet underneath him. He sighed slightly before standing up and pulling on the clothes he had left crumpled at the bottom of his bed, leaving his hair as it was. He ignored the plants in his room, their vibrant colours giving his zombie brain a headache as he left the room.

He walked downstairs, wandering into the kitchen with a scowl on his face as he grabbed a cup of coffee and a piece of toast.

"Seriously Dean, I know it's morning, but do you ever smile?" Sam asked, biting into his own piece of toast, yellow sparks flickering from his left hand as he absentmindedly waved his fingers around.

Dean pulled a face in his direction "Give me a reason to smile and we will see where we go from there." He muttered, draining his mug in the hope he might survive life if he could at least think straight.

"Dean. You look half dead, did you even sleep last night? Do you have insomnia or do you just not bother going to bed, trying to be an edgy teen?" Sam accused, but Dean could see the slightly concerned look on his face as he watched Dean drain another mug of coffee. Sam wasn't trying to be horrible, he just didn't understand.

"Ughhhh" Dean replied "I went to sleep at a normal time and slept a normal amount." Dean muttered. It wasn't even much of a lie either, well not the first bit. He went to sleep at 11 o'clock because he knew he would only sleep until 3 am and then wouldn't be able to sleep any longer. So the second bit - the bit about sleeping a normal amount - was a bit of a lie. He only slept 4 hours, every single night, less on busy nights or when things were especially bad. Ok, so the second but was definately a lie, but who was really surprised? He did look like a zombie at all times.

"Right. Clearly." Sam muttered before saying louder "I have a study group today so I won't be back until late."

"Ah yes, your nerdy group with your lame friends." Dean sniped back tiredly, not even awake enough yet to put any heat into his words.

"Lame friends? Couldn't you drop the asshole act at home?" Sam asked before deciding against it, "You know what never mind, you can't say much anyway, Charlie used to be your best friend."

That got a reaction from Dean. He turned around, his face murderous "Charlie was not my 'best friend'" he hissed, "she was a good friend, back then, but not my best friend."

Sam rolled his eyes, he didn't understand, he couldn't understand. Cas was Dean's best friend, no one else. He realised now that what he classed as 'best friend' was probably what everyone else would class more towards 'true love' but when Cas disappeared, they were both too young to understand love, they just saw it as best friends. They would have probably changed that term if Cas was around, but he wasn't, so they didn't - he didn't.

"Well, I still don't understand all that, and it's way too early to dissect your head of emotional trauma, so I'm going to head to school. Later Jerk."

"Later." Dean said, purposefully leaving out the bitch. It was a joke they had made a while ago, before Cas' case was thrown out, back when he still had hope and little half smiles, he was too far gone now, he had already fallen too far.

Maybe Sam was right about years of emotional trauma, but he didn't need to talk it out, he needed Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellloooooo!!   
> I hope you enjoyed!!!!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!! Sorry it's been a while.... I've had a really busy couple of weeks and it took me ages to write and edit this chapter, but it is here now!!!  
> This is going to answer a couple of questions...... by which I mean create about a hundred new ones......  
> Hope you like it!!! Oh...... And also I'm sorry?

Ethan still didn't understand why they were here.

It was his mum's idea. Some big job opportunity, a 'chance of a better life' and a 'new beginning'. His dad had been unsure about moving, he had tried to avoid this side of America his whole life, but he had allowed this move with only a bit of uncertainty so Ethan assumed it would be fine.

He never understood why they avoided it anyway. It was just a patch of dirt with various amounts of mountains, trees and water, just like everywhere else in the world.

Ethan didn't understand a number of things about his life. One of them was the whole avoiding an entire side of America thing. Another was why he wasn't allowed any social media at all - literally none; he had downloaded Instagram once when he was about 12, his dad found out and he never even thought about doing anything like that ever again. He knew that some parents were overprotective, bit his dad never seemed to be doing it for Ethan's benefit. No, he seemed to do it because he was scared. Another thing was his dad hated when he used his magic - as in hated hated - for some reason his dad seemed to think it was worse than punching someone in the face; Ethan would know, he had done both of the above when he was about 15 and there had been a huge difference in reaction. 

The other he didn't understand - the one he never thought of and avoided whenever he could - was the weird ache in his chest.

It felt like he was missing something, like there was something important he needed to remember, but he had forgotten. Something was nagging at his mind but he couldn't grasp it, it just kept slipping through the web that was his mind. He hated it.

It wasn't as surprising as it probably should be, he was used to the feeling of forgetting something important. His earliest memory was from when he was 8, waking up in a hospital from a coma. His parents never told him what caused it, and he had learned not to ask, it upset him mum. The only problem was, this ache, it felt different to the other missing memories. They always felt like a wall, a curtain, was between him and his memories. They are there, he just can't see them. The ache however, he doesn't have a clue. If there is a wall between most memories, there is an entire solar system between his mind and this memory.

He had a few 'memories' from before the hospital, but he couldn't tell if they were real or not and he couldn't ask his parents, partly because they wouldn't talk, partly because the memories were barely even memories. They weren't anything solid, just flashes, green eyes, drawings and a laugh which made him feel whole. Feelings of joy, safety and calmness joined those flashes, stronger than anything he had ever truly felt.

Ethan shook his head, drawing himself out of his basic problems and back towards the biggest problem right now. He knew what a new house meant, in a new state at that, it meant a new school. That meant he would have to make new friends. Which was a bit of a problem. It wasn't that Ethan was particularly weird or gross or anything, it was just he had the same friend group for as long as he could remember, and he could barely remember how to make friends. He would just have to hope an outgoing person adopted him into their friendship group and found him a group of friends he could get to know.

He carefully pulled on the clothes he had left folded on a chair next to his bed, and brushed his hair. It still looked like a mess whatever he did with it, but at least he could say he had brushed it when he inevitably got chastised by his mum.

"Good morning Ethan." His mum said as he walked down the stairs, "looking forward to your first day at school?"

Ethan pulled a face as he grabbed some cereal. He didn't hate school, but he didn't love it either. It was just so weird, everyone used magic as they pleased - it wasn't weird not to, like Ethan didn't, especially when in public - but the fact was, at school people just casually threw sparks around or talked to birds or whatever their skill was. It was just weird to Ethan, because in their family they didn't use magic. He didn't even know what colour his parents magics were and he only had a vague memory of his own.

"Yeah, I know. But don't worry you'll make some friends soon and then it'll be like you've been here forever."

Ethan rolled his eyes secretly, what was it with parents and acting like high school was just a fun experience? Didn't they realise that high school was more savage and wild then the rainforest or savanna or whatever.

He hoped the bullies in this school weren't too bad. As long as they didn't do the toilet dumping thing, then he should be able to deal. He'd been dealing most of his life after all.

"Did you even brush your hair this morning?" his mum asked with a sigh, right on time, like she did every day, cutting into Ethan's thought track.

"Yes I did," Ethan replied with a sigh.

Finishing his cereal he put his bowl into the dishwasher and walked back to his room. He brushed his teeth and grabbed the bag he packed the day before.

"Bye mum!" He yelled as he walked out the door. His dad was already at work, his job meant that he worked early mornings and late evenings. Ethan couldn't actually remember the last time they all went on holiday together.

Ethan's new house was only a short bus ride to his new school and he spent it planning what he was going to say when he was asked to introduce himself and overall dreading the day, this wasn't going to be much fun.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The time he had before the bell went in a blur. He arrived at school, went to the front desk, got his timetable and got shown to his homeroom by an over enthusiastic cheerleader with a 100 watt smile, hot pink magic which she used to gesture at everything they passed on the way, and a ponytail. Personally, he thought she just seemed annoying but he was too polite to mention it.

He arrived in homeroom a bit early and sat at the back on his own; he didn't know where anyone sat but guessed this seat would be fairly safe. Just before the bell, a girl with flaming hair walked in. She took one look around the classroom and, when seeing Ethan, walked over sitting down next to him.

"Sup, are you new here?" She asked

"Yeah. I just moved." Ethan said, feeling confused "are you new as well?"

"What? Oh no, I just thought I would come say hi, I'm Charlie." She said "Do you want to be friends? I'm guessing you could do with a friendly face around here."

"That would be nice." He said, but inside he was cheering, yes! He found an outgoing person to adopt him into their friendship group! "Do you know where my first lesson is? I'm slightly confused." Ethan said, passing over his timetable.

"Oh cool! You're in most of my lessons!" Charlie said looking at the sheet of paper "I'll definitely be able to help with this."

The two of them talked mindlessly for a bit, learning more about each other and making plans to eat lunch together.

Ethan couldn't help but stare when she started bouncing red flames on her fingers. "Don't worry they don't burn, unless I want them too." Charlie assured, seeing his stare and mistaking his wonder for fear.

"That's so cool." Ethan breathed out, still mesmerised by the bright flames. His brain flicked back to other sparks, green ones, but the image was gone before he could even start to figure out what it meant.

The bell suddenly rang and the two of them stood "come on" Charlie said, walking out of the classroom and turning left.

Ethan quick-walked to catch up and tried to make sense of which direction they were going but he was thoroughly lost before they were even halfway to their lesson.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The morning lessons passed quickly. Charlie was in most of them and she helped him catch up and get through the awkward introductions.

Before he even realised it, it was lunch.

Lunchtime found Ethan sitting at a table in the canteen with Charlie and her friends.

There was Benny, Jo, Kevin and of course Charlie and Ethan. 

They were sitting and laughing, eating their lunch and having a good time when Ethan saw someone and felt the world stop. He didn't know who it was and he definitely had never met them before, he would remember someone like that, but he knew he wanted to get to know them. There was a pull in his gut, pulling him towards the other boy. As if he had felt it too, the mysterious boy turned his head and Ethan was hit full on with the full force of their emerald gaze.

The other boy's face was breathtaking with his strong jaw and his perfectly sculpted face, his hair a dirty blond colour which made his green eyes pop and his bow shaped lips. Ethan found himself wondering what they would feel like on his own lips but quickly pulled himself away from that train of thought before it got dangerous. He was clearly strong, looking effortlessly muscled and Ethan wondered whether he was in any of the sports teams. He was tall, probably a bit taller than Ethan and had bow legs, somehow completing the look which was just so him. He was easily the most beautiful person Ethan had ever seen in all his many years of life.

Ethan felt drawn to him, like he recognised this boy without ever seeing him before and somehow, looking at him felt like coming home.

"Charlie?" He asked, not moving his head "whose that?"

Charlie looked over, following Ethan's gaze to see who he was looking at "That is Dean Winchester, don't go near him. You hear me. Anyone who knows what's good for them avoids Dean."

Ethan nodded, but he was confused "why?" He couldn't understand why he wouldn't be allowed to go near him, the boy who was pulling Ethan in like a moth to a flame.

Charlie scoffed "why? Because since the age of 11 he's been the worst bully on this side of America." Her voice was ice, she sounded angry? Hurt? Maybe a mixture of both.

Now Ethan was even more confused, how could such a nice looking boy, who felt like home to Ethan, be a bully. "why do you seem to hate him so much?"

"I don't hate him, I can't hate him. He used to be one of my best friends, but…. Something happened. I'll tell you what one day but not today."

Ethan nodded and tried to get back to the previous atmosphere of the table. No-one else seemed to have noticed their conversation.

Ethan looked up, the boy - Dean Winchester - was still looking over at him, he looked like he had seen a ghost and he appeared to have the ghost of green covering his arms; but then he shook his head and a scowl and a glare slipped into his face and the green disappeared like it had never even been there. Ethan wasn't certain it ever had been there. Ethan turned away, he could see what Charlie meant, but he still had a feeling, deep in his gut, that there was something missing, hiding just behind a veil in his head.

"Hey, I've got a study session after school, do you want to come?" Charlie asked

"Sure," Ethan said, he didn't really want to go home after school anyway "I'll just text my mum."

He glanced back over at Dean. He knew he shouldn't, but he found he couldn't help it. There was something about Dean. Something Ethan couldn't quite figure out. But he already knew he wanted to. Despite Charlie's warning, there was something there, and he wanted - needed - to know what it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah...... I guess this now clears up where this story is going!! 😂😂😂😂😂
> 
> Anyway!! I'll see you in a couple of weeks!!! Hopefully a shorter wait this time.... IDK but comments always help with that!!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! I hope everyone's had a good week!!  
> And I hope you enjoy this chapter!!

Dean sighed as he arrived at school, he was really looking forward to another day in this hell hole. 

He was tired from being up since 3am and in a bad mood from his talk to Sam that morning, and honestly he had a million different places he would rather be than in school. He channelled that rage and fatigue into his expression as he walked, causing a load of the younger kids, and even some of the older ones, to press themselves into lockers to get out of his way.

He was glad, despite how much he hated himself for it, he didn't know what he would do if anyone got into his way today.

He arrived at the back of school where his friends hung out, and leaned against the wall. He called these people his friends, but they really weren't. He hated them and they hated him, but they all hated everyone else even more so stuck together.

"Hey D." Lillith said, leaning on the wall next to him "you look like death warmed up."

Dean smiled sweetly "I know I do, but I think I'd rather look like death warmed up than whatever you're meant to look like. Are you going for the 'just survived the apocalypse' look today?" He said, forcing his voice to remain innocent even while the true poison he dripped into his words swirled around them.

Lillith just smiled as Alistair and Ruby laughed.

"Just as charming as ever." Ruby quipped, smirking over at him.

"Hmm." He muttered closing his eyes as he leaned against the wall. He had a bad feeling, a feeling like something world changing was going to happen soon.

"Well, I've got some news that's sure to sweeten your mood." Alistair said, grinning. "There's a new kid today."

Dean grinned as well, "should we leave him alone for today? Give him a false sense of security and then…. Well… we'll see."

Alistair grinned "hmmm… I like it. Pretended it's all fine and then just as he's relaxing, pounce."

Ruby and Lillith both joined their planning, discussing all the things they could bully a new kid about and all the other kids who need to be taught a lesson. Their different magics, black, red and dark purple respectively, flickered in the empty air as they planned their meanness. Dean was glad in moments like that, that he didn't use magic, his green would stand out like grass in a desert, he would hate for it to be tainted by their magic.

Dean zoned out of their conversation, his conversation with Sam this morning had brought Cas back to the front of his mind and now he was thinking about him. About what he would think if he found out his old best friend was here, doing this. A bully. And it hurt, just a little. To think of what sweet, innocent Cas would think of him now.

He shook away thoughts of Cas to tune back into the conversation, "what's for lunch today?" Ruby was asking, causing Dean to smirk. They may be bullies and take joy out of causing people pain and fear, but some of their conversations were just so normal it was almost funny.

He dragged himself through the morning, trying to sleep through at least half his lessons - not that he could actually fall asleep anyway - and overall not adding anything to the lessons. He used to be clever, but after they abandoned Cas' case, he abandoned his school work. He could do the work, he just didn't even try to.

It was lunch time before he even noticed it, and he was grabbing his lunch, a burger and some chips, and walking to their usual table, glaring at anyone who got in his way.

He was about to sit down when he felt something, a pull, dragging his gaze to a boy a couple of tables over. He was sitting with Charlie and Dean was sure he had never seen him before.

He must be the new boy then.

The boy was looking back at him, staring would be more exact, clearly looking over Dean's appearance. Dean knew he didn't look bad, but then again, neither did newby.

His hair was dark and messy, as though he had tried to brush it but had failed. He was probably just smaller than Dean was - judging from a distance - and had a handsome face, but what really caught Dean's attention was his eyes.

They were bright blue. He had only seen one other pair of eyes which were bluer than that in his entire life.

He knew he probably looked like he had seen a ghost, but that was how he felt. He could see his best friend in this newbie's eyes, especially as he was sitting next to and talking to Charlie. He hated it.

Newbie looked up, making eye contact and looking concerned. No. It wasn't Cas. Wasn't even close to Cas. Just had similar eyes. Dean couldn't let himself get attached, he never let himself get attached anymore, he refused to relive the pain he felt losing Cas, and the pain he had felt every year since then.

He shook his head, replacing the shocked expression with a glare and smirk, his go to mask nowadays, but the boy didn't seem bothered, just as though he was understanding something. It was only after it was gone, like a blanket he hadn't realised was there until it disappeared, that Dean realised his magic had been there. Not much, but he could still feel it, lingering near the surface, begging to be used. He buried it deep down, it couldn't save Cas back then, he didn't want to use it now.

He dragged his eyes away, feeling years old hurt bubbling to the surface. He felt the need to punch something increase.

He barely knew him, but he already wanted to hate the newbie, how dare he look even similar to Cas. For a moment he thought about the idea that it was Cas, but then wouldn't he have said something, come back, gone to see Gabe? There were a million things Cas would have done, which this boy hadn't done, so it couldn't be him. He just looked a tiny bit like Cas, it wasn't actually him, in fact, he barely looked anything like Cas, his eyes were too dull. He was probably just had water magic, that's why his eyes were blue, nothing like Cas' beautiful blue eyes.

That's what Dean told himself.

Anyway, Dean would be able to feel if it was Cas, even after all these years he would be able to recognise Cas' magic from a mile away. 

Dean rolled his eyes at himself, Cas was gone, Cas was dead, even if the very thought hurt him more than he could ever explain.

Dean tried to ignore himself from the pain of Cas being gone with the power of mindless conversation but by the end of lunch it still hadn't worked. He needed to punch something, so that's what he did.

"Hey twerp." He yelled at the boy in front of him. He was a freshman, a small, skinny thing with thick rimmed glasses and a large pile of books. He knew the boy hadn't done anything wrong, he didn't deserve this, but it hurt, it hurt so much, he wanted to get rid of his pain, pass it on. Like playing pass the parcel, but with pain.

He was about to punch him, but then Cas flashed into his mind. Cas, sweet Cas. Cas wouldn't want him to punch this boy, Cas would hate him if he did, he would probably be disappointed enough at seeing his best friend like this, no point making things worse.

"Run, before I change my mind." He hissed. The boy didn't need telling twice, he ran off and down the corridor, leaving Dean alone with his pain.

He turned, the pain was still there, and punched a wall. Now it was physical pain, not mental, he could deal with physical pain. He punched again and again until his fists were bloodied messes and his pain was buried under a heap of other pain.

He thought about going to the nurse to get his fists wrapped, but no one cared about him so there was no point.

Who would care about him? His so called friends didn't care. He had pushed all his real friends away and everyone else was just terrified of him.

Everyone would probably just assume he had beaten someone up anyway.

The afternoon went even quicker than the morning, Dean payed absolutely no attention, the teachers didn't try to make him, and everyone tried their best to ignore him. It's how it had always worked.

Finally the bell rang and he could get out of there. He was going to be home alone because Sam had his nerd thing, his Mum had got a shift at the hospital and his dad would definitely be working late at the garage. It was good, he could sort out his fists when he got home and none of his family would be disappointed in him.

His route home took him past the library and just as he was walking past, he saw Sam about to walk in. Dean lifted his hand in a wave but the second Sam saw him, he rolled his eyes, looked away pointedly and walked off, without waving back.

Dean wondered why for a minute before he remembered his bloody knuckles. Dean would probably be disappointed to be his brother too.

With a heavy heart Dean finished the walk home. All he could think of was Cas. What Cas would think of him? Would Cas hate him? Would he even want to be Dean's friend anymore?

Probably not. Not even Dean would want to be Dean's friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I'm just chucking this chapter into the void........  
> If you are out there, could you just say hi or smt?  
> I'm kind of an attention whore and although I love writing this, if no one's enjoying it, the I won't.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to anyone who commented on last chapter!! Sorry for the wait, but look!! I have a new chapter!!   
> Also!! Happy leap day!!! If it's anyone's birthday... then enjoy it!! If it isn't your birthday have a good day anyway!!!  
> Enjoy!!

By the time the bell rang, Ethan was already getting used to his new school. It was just like his old one, just a few small differences and new friends. It was odd being the new kid again, he had gone to school with the same people since middle school, but it wasn't bad. Especially thanks to the new friends he had already - somehow - made.

"Come on Ethan!" Charlie called as she skipped over, Kevin in tow, Ethan wasn't even going to question why a 16 year old was skipping around school, he had the feeling the answer was as simple as 'it's Charlie', and didn't need any other explanation. "You said you'd come to our study session!"

Ethan smiled, sharing an understanding look with Kevin, they were both half asleep - they'd just had a day of school, anyone who was wide awake was either the devil, or crazy - and here was Charlie acting like she had just had 6 shots of coffee.

"Who's coming and where?" Ethan asked as he joined their little group.

This time, it was Kevin who spoke "just us three and a 12 year old who we are friends with, and we are going to the library."

Ethan nodded, it didn't sound much like a study session as such, more like a 'discuss the wonders of the universe and hang out' session, but Ethan wasn't going to argue.

When the three of them walked into the library, there was already a boy sitting at one of the tables looking like he was waiting for someone. He was fairly tall for his age, with long brown hair and a mature expression. He looked oddly familiar, which confused Ethan, but he assumed it was probably just one of those times when you recognise someone, but you don't actually know them.

The boy smiled when he saw them and walked over. "Hi I'm Sam, I take it you're Ethan, Charlie texted me that you were coming."

Ethan smiled back at him. Sam seemed nice enough, and was definitely acting mature for a 12 year old. He had kind of assumed he would be, Ethan very much doubted anyone would survive two overexcited children - yes he was counting Charlie as a child - in a room together. "Hi, nice to meet you."

"It's nice to see you haven't gotten beaten up, I saw my brother on my way here with bloody knuckles, I assumed it would have been you." Sam said his tone bright but his eyes showing the true turmoil which hid there.

"Your brother?" Ethan asked, he was a bit confused about why Charlie would be hanging out with someone whose brother regularly beat people up.

"Dean Winchester is my brother." Sam said "I'm nothing like him, I promise."

"Actually…." Charlie said quietly, her tone implying that things were about to get deep, "you're just like him." At Ethan's confused look, she added "how he used to be anyway."

Now Ethan was even more confused, "you mean before whatever happened which stopped you being friends?"

"Yep." Sam said, "oh and I made the mistake of saying you used to be best friends this morning, I still don't understand why he's so touchy about that."

Charlie sighed "you couldn't, you were only 4 when it happened, but I still remember what they were like together, I understand why." Charlie's voice gained a dream like quality as she talked, like she was telling the cutest fairy tale imaginable, and not just saying Sam that he was too young to remember something.

"Well, keep an eye out for bullies for the next couple of days, I can't promise my brother won't come and beat you up." Sam said, trying to change the subject.

"Nah," Charlie said "Dean won't be able to touch him. Look at him, with blue eyes like that, Dean won't be able to hurt him without thinking of Cas."

Now Ethan was even more confused than before, "ok, I'm really confused. What happened?"

Sam sighed, "when I was little, Dean had a best friend, I can't really remember him, not like Charlie can, but I remember they were close, nearly always together." He paused for a moment "When they were 8, and I was only 4, his friend was kidnapped. They never found him. Dean was - well, he was distraught. He had lost his reason to live, his reason to be happy. They may have only been 8 - but they were in love. Everyone joked they were soulmates. A year after Cas was kidnapped, we moved here. When they threw out the case, he changed. He became what you see now."

Ethan nodded, he was starting to understand Dean's 'seen a ghost look' from earlier "and my eyes look similar to his?"

Charlie nodded sadly, "not exactly, but your eyes are close enough that he won't be able to touch you. You should have seen them, they really were soulmates. I don't think I've seen Dean laugh honestly since Cas disappeared."

Ethan looked down sadly, "I'm sorry that happened to him - to all of you. Did you all have someone to talk to, after?"

"I had my family and I tried to stick by Dean, but first of all he moved away, I moved out here about 3 years after them because of my parents work, it was a coincidence that it was the same place, and then he pushed me away after the police threw out the case. In fact, I think the only person he still talks to from before, is Gabriel, Cas' older brother. They were both there that day so they have kept in touch. Cas' family had each other and I think Gabriel went to therapy."

Ethan nodded, he was sad to hear about all this, he could tell it must have hurt practically the entire town, child disappearances did that.

"Well, I’m not trying to be insensitive or anything," Kevin said loudly " butI only moved here a couple of years ago, so I couldn't join in that conversation, and we’ve still got studying to do so let's move on!"

Everyone nodded, but Ethan found his mind stuck on Sam's story, it felt - familiar? Like he had already heard it, like he already knew of it.

Maybe it was in the news?

Very soon, Ethan was distracted from his thoughts by Kevin and Charlie's star trek argument.

Ethan stayed at the library with the others until closing time, at which point he said his goodbyes and walked home.

By the time he got home, he was exhausted. He talked to his parents about how his day was, but after only a few minutes his mum announced she had some news. That worried Ethan, the last time she had news, it was that they were moving.

"I'm going on a work trip next week," his mum started "as you know, your dad is away that week as well, so you're going to be home alone."

Ethan sighed, this always happened, he didn't know why he thought the new house would change anything. He swore that sometimes his parents were trying to avoid him, it was almost like they hated him but that was impossible, he was their child, they weren't allowed to hate him.

He walked up to his room with a heavy heart. Of course his parents were leaving him, of course.

He knew that some kids would be glad, no parents, a free house to do whatever he wanted, but he just felt like he never saw his parents. They were never in. Sometimes, he just wanted a hug.

He walked to his room and looked around. He had just finished moving everything in and personally, he was quite pleased with it.

He had his double bed in the middle of the room, his duvet was a pale blue colour with white pillows which matched his white walls. He had a grey feature wall and multiple posters already stuck up. He had a few of his better drawings pinned onto his cork board and a desk, already covered in papers and stationary. Everything in his room, and house as a whole, showed his parents money, but Ethan had never cared about that. He would happily lose most of their money and have to live in a single roomed flat, if it meant he actually got to see his parents.

He got ready for bed quickly and curled up under his covers. Left in the quiet of his room, Sam's story continued circling his head. 

_ He was hiding. They were playing. Laughing. There was a man. He was grabbing. There was more yelling. His head hurt. He was crying. Why wouldn't the man let him go? His head hurt more. Blackness was coming. The last thing he saw was a scared green gaze before his vision blacked out. _

Ethan woke with a start from his nightmare. He breathed in, out, he hoped the green eyed boy was ok, in, out, he felt a deep care for him, in, out, but it was just a dream, in, out, he ignored it. He was just thinking about Sam's story, that was all. Before he had even fully turned over and fallen back asleep, the dream had disappeared from his brain, forgotten forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!!  
> I'll (hopefully) see you next chapter!!  
> Have an amazing week!!


	6. Chapter 6

Dean was still downstairs when Sam got home after the library's closing time.

He wasn't quite sure what he expected from his brother, probably to just be ignored, maybe at most a discussion of whatever Sam learned that day, but this wasn't it. A confusing mixture of pity and anger was definitely not what he expected at all.

"I know that Cas' disappearance hurt you, but you can't go around punching people. You need to move on! It's been 8 years!" Sam yelled. Their parents weren't home yet so Sam wasn't bothering being quiet. Yellow sparks covering him in his anger and not for the first time, Dean was very glad that Sam's magic wasn't physical like his. Dean's magic was connected to plants and the earth, so whenever he lost control plants would grow, however Sam's magic was connected to visions - visions of inside people's heads, what's bothering them and stuff, so whenever he got angry, he would just spark. The visions couldn't come unless he was focused. 

"No." Dean hissed "you don't know. You can't know, you can't understand." He took a deep breath, trying to calm the anger which was trying to bubble up and probably cause him to spill his deepest darkest secrets and fears, "and it's not like you haven't tried," he added, unable to stop the snide remark. Sam had used his powers to get into Dean's head multiple times, but he had yet to properly understand.

He took another deep breath. His anger wasn't exactly helping his point, and he still needed to figure out what Sam was on about, "and what do you mean? I haven't punched anyone recently." He decided to ignore Sam's 'move on', he hadn't yet, he never would. Not until Cas returned to him.

"You haven't punched anyone? Sure! That's why your knuckles are bloody." Sam said, not letting the argument die. 

Dean turned around, seeing the argument, anger and magic burning in his brothers eyes and pausing, maybe he really cared. Just not about Cas. So he didn't care about Dean.

"I haven't punched anyone." Dean said tiredly "there may be a beaten up wall somewhere at school, but no beaten up children." Saying that, Dean left, escaping back to his room.

He wanted to punch something, again, but his fists were already too sore for him to try punching again. He thought about pushing all his magic into the plants surrounding him, making it flood out if him until his magic levels were as empty as he felt without Cas, but that would involve using his magic by choice and he just didn't do that anymore. The happy, sparky kid was in his past, he wasn't like that anymore.

With a sigh, he went to his chest of drawers and to his t-shirt draw. At the very bottom, wrapped in an old t-shirt he had grown out of years ago, sat a sketch book.

He pulled it out, handling it more carefully than anything else he owned, and the things he didn't, and placed it on his bed. He stared at it like it was priceless, and to him it was.

He gently opened it up to the first page. A picture of a tree, a very detailed tree. Then there was a cat. Then a seaside scene. Then a house. And on and on and on. Each page brought a new picture even better than the last and, about halfway through it, he found what he was looking for.

A drawing, mostly finished, just missing some finishing touches. Dean didn't own it, not this picture, not ever. It made him smile, even as it broke his heart just looking at it.

It made him remember, and that was the important thing. He feared that one day he wouldn't remember what Cas looked like, what shade his magic was or what his smile looked like. But this way, looking at this book, it reminded him of the important stuff. It reminded him of how concentrated Cas looked whenever he was drawing, how happy he looked when something went to plan. It reminded him of the gleam in Cas' eyes and the way his tounge stuck out ever so slightly when he was trying hard.

It reminded him of the important things.

He heard his door opening, but didn't bother looking round. He didn't bother wiping the tears falling down his face either. He just carefully wrapped the sketch book back up and replaced it back in his drawer.

"Oh Dean." His mum said gently. "I'm sorry." She walked over, pulling Dean gently into a hug. "I'm sorry."

"Is Sam right?" Dean asked, gulping as tears sped up their streams down his face "should I move on. It's just, I know it's been 8 years, but I can't move on. I just can't."

"I know baby." Mary whispered, her lilac healing magic flowing over him and trying to heal him. It healed his hands, but no matter how many times she had tried over the years, her powers just couldn't heal emotional wounds. "I know."

Dean wanted to tell Mary to go away. She didn't know. She didn't understand. But he couldn't. The comfort of her hug, and the tiredness or his mind caused him to just stay there and allow her to hold him close, letting his mind float away from the pain of the world for just a minute.

When Mary left the room some time later, Dean felt slightly better. The pain was still there, but so was his family. Even if they we're all probably embarrassed about being related to such an asshole shaped mess.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The next morning, Dean dragged himself downstairs slowly. His eyes were red from crying, the plants in his room were practically bursting they were so healthy, and the pain which always filled his gut was even more prominent today.

He felt tired, he felt empty and he felt sick and he had barely even woken up yet. It could only get worse.

Without even noticing it, he pulled his phone out and called Gabe's number. He knew that Gabe would be awake and he was probably going to pick up. He was more likely to pick up for him than for anyone else, they promised to be there for each other. He was practically the only number Dean ever picked up for. Not that anyone else even tried to call him, but even if they did he wouldn't pick up.

"Hey Dean, how are things?" Gabe answered, just as Dean walked into the kitchen. He looked at the cereal, at the toast, at all the breakfast food they had, and walked out. He wasn't hungry.

"Hey Gabe." He said. He knew that his voice was probably raw from crying, but he didn't care "I'm… fine I guess. I just needed someone to talk to."

"That's fine." Gabriel said. Dean could hear muffled talking, a wrapper rustling - probably one of the chocolate bars Gabe constantly seemed to have - and the sound of footsteps.

"Sorry Gabe, did I call at a bad time?" He asked concerned. He hoped that it was fine, Gabe was the only one who understood and he needed to talk to someone who understood. Obviously though, if it was a bad time for Gabe he would hang up and…. He would deal.

"What? No!" Gabe answered quickly "no, it's fine. There is never a bad time for you to call." Gabriel reassured. After Cas had been kidnapped, Gabriel had practically adopted Dean as his new little brother and treated him as such. He wasn't trying to replace Castiel, he just knew that his brother would be happier if he knew his best friend was being looked after.

They spoke for a while. About everything. How their lives were going. What Cas would be like if he was still around. How much they missed Cas. How school was. What Cas' magic would have been if he had stayed around long enough to specialise. They spoke until Dean looked at the clock and sighed.

"I really need to head out to school." He said "sorry for taking up your morning, I guess I'll talk to you later."

He could hear movement on the other side of the phone, probably Gabe nodding before he realised Dean couldn't see him "It's fine Dean, you know that I enjoy talking to you. Enjoy school, talk to you later."

They both said 'later' but they both meant 'in a couple of weeks or whenever one of us has a bad day'. For that reason, he hoped it would be a couple of weeks, bad days were not fun for him nor Gabe. That's how he already knew that today was not going to be fun.

He dragged himself out of the house and walked towards school. It felt like an age until he found himself in the familiar hallways, dragging himself to his familiar locker.

He could already tell that today was going to last forever - and that every second would be agony.

He walked past Charlie on his way. She was standing with a group of people. A group of people Dean used to fit in with. He made eye contact with Charlie, for a moment it was like nothing had changed, like they were both younger and happy and where they wanted to be. But then Charlie’s gaze hardened and she returned to her conversation, turning her back on Dean.

It hurt more than Dean would ever admit. It was like he had suddenly noticed what had been happening for as long as he could remember. He didn't know how he hadn’t noticed it before, but he was a different person now. He wasn’t who he used to be.

Sometimes he really wished he was.

He thought about heading to meet up with his 'friends' but then decided against it. His mind was toxic enough today, and that was without being around them.

He practically sleep walked through the morning. He spent a worrying large amount of his life like that, not truly there. He knew it worried his family, whenever they tried to talk to him and he didn't respond - didn't hear - but they didn't mention it to him. Dean thought they tried to pretend it wasn't happening. If they admitted it was real, they would also have to admit that Dean hadn't been truly Dean since Cas left. Even back when he hadn't fallen off the rails and jumped into the abyss, he still wasn't fully there - fully himself.

Charlie had tried to convince him that he needed help. At the time he had told her he was fine. It was funny how it was only now he realised that she may be right - now that he had no one who truly cared.

Often on these bad days, he found himself wondering who would actually miss him if he disappeared. Who actually cared about if he was still around? But he knew Gabe would never allow him. He would have to text Gabe tonight. Whenever they had bad days they had agreed to text at night - their way of making sure the other was still breathing after a bad day. If he didn't text, Gabe would be straight onto the phone with his parents asking where he was. He would hate the rule, especially on days like today, but he was glad of it whenever Gabe had a bad day so he couldn't complain.

Dean knew that if anyone tried to talk to him he wouldn't respond. He wouldn't hear. He may have been at school, but he wasn't fully there. He also knew that this was probably dangerous, but he couldn't find it in himself to care.

As he walked to his afternoon lessons, after a lunch he had spent alone and without eating, he vaguely heard the people he called friends calling out to him. He couldn't hear what they were saying and he didn't care. They weren't his friends and he wasn't theirs. He was just mean enough to fit in.

Sometimes he really hated himself. He knew he was an asshole. He knew he was a douche who didn't deserve anything. He also knew he didn't really want to exist without Cas. If he was being forced to, then it wasn't his fault that he was an asshole.

He walked into Chemistry, and flopped into his seat. He could feel himself slowly emerging from the mist that was clouding his brain and thoughts and he wasn't pleased about it. Even with the mist muting everything, he could feel the pain, the emptiness, he did not want to have to feel that pain in its full glory.

"Good afternoon everyone." His chemistry teacher - Mrs Grey - said loudly as she walked into the room. She was a nice lady, and she could teach which was always a plus, but her loud voice only helped push the mist further out of his brain. 

He didn't want it to go. It was his protection. If he wasn't feeling anything, he would be feeling everything he was trying to avoid.

Unfortunately, by half way through the lesson the mist was gone and the pain was there in all its glory. He wanted to ask to leave the room, but sadly the American school system didn't care about mental health and unless he was about to puke, he was stuck.

"Ok everyone. Get into your pairs."

Dean just blinked. He had hung onto his mist for long enough that he had no idea what he was doing, nor who his partner was.

"Hello. I'm Ethan." A voice said as a chair was pulled up to his desk. "I guess we're working together."

Dean just slammed his head into the desk. It was hard enough to make his head spin momentarily, but not enough to do much more than that. It wasn't even enough to block out the mental pain.

What was his luck! Only he would get partnered with the new kid - who looked painfully like his lost best friend - on a bad day. Only him.

"Are you ok?"

Dean didn't reply, just let out a grunt and lay there.

"Here is your sheet. Dean, head off the desk please." There was the telltale sound of rustling paper and then footsteps as Mrs Grey moved on.

He slowly lifted his head off the desk and said bluntly to Ethan "well I hope you know what we are doing. Because I don't."

Ethan just nodded and quickly explained to Dean what they were doing. It was strange. He hadn't had anyone talk to him who wasn't one of his 'friends' and wasn't terrified of him, in so long. He was surprised that Ethan wasn't ignoring him, he had been talking to Charlie after all. Charlie almost definitely told him to stay away, she still cared for Dean, but she had also felt his assholeness for herself.

Dean tried to pay attention to their work. He really did. But he hadn't eaten since - he couldn't remember the last time he had eaten - and now his mist was gone he was really starting to feel it.

It was just after his stomach had grumbled partially loudly, when Ethan wordlessly passed Dean a breakfast bar. One of those nature valley ones. "Thanks." Dean muttered as he crumbled it inside it's packaging so he could sneakily eat it and continue his work as he did so.

They spent the rest of the lesson in mainly silence, only talking when they needed to discuss their answers - no small talk. For that Dean was grateful, he wasn't in the mood for small talk.

"You don't seem bothered about working with me." Dean said slowly at the end of the lesson.. He didn't want to scare Ethan away - his very presence may hurt but it felt almost like Cas was back, just for a moment - but Ethan needed to know Dean was dangerous.

"Should I be?"

"It's just - why are you being so nice to me?"

"I haven't done anything." Ethan replied slowly, like he couldn't understand where this conversation was coming from.

"You've talked to me. You told me what we were doing. You gave me food. That counts as nice."

Ethan stared at him for a moment, blinking slowly and Dean was about to ask if he was ok, when Ethan blurted out, "See you whenever," in place of goodbye and grabbed his stuff, walking out without answering Dean's question.

Dean shook his head as he also walked out the room, he had a feeling that things were going to get strange very soon.

That night he sent a quick "still breathing." text to Gabe as he climbed into bed. It was true. He was still here and tomorrow was going to be a better day than today.

At least he hoped it would be. He really needed a good day. He'd already had the last 8 years of shitty days.


	7. Chapter 7

Ethan smiled widely as he walked to Chemistry. Although he had been unsure about moving here at first, he actually really liked it here. He had a great friendship group - who he couldn't believe he had spent so long without, he already couldn't imagine life without them - and he just felt so safe here. The entire place just felt like home, even though Ethan had only been there for a few weeks and it definitely shouldn't have been feeling like home so quickly. Yet he did, he always had adapted quickly.

He had spent the entirety of lunch with his friends, laughing and joking and eating a mixture of his - frankly questionable - school lunch and pieces of other people's packed lunch. At one point, he'd thought he'd seen Dean, standing alone and looking sad, but he was gone before Ethan could decide whether approaching him would be worth the risk. Charle had said that Dean was dangerous after all; so why was it that Dean seemed like the least dangerous person in the entire school?

The main reason he was in an amazing mood was Charlie had invited him round to movie night. It didn't seem like much, but Ethan had never had a movie night with friends and everyone knows that being invited to one is the ultimate acceptance to the group. He finally had a friendship group who accepted him, quirks and all.

He found his seat and sat down. Chemistry was one of his favourite subjects, he didn't quite know why he liked it so much, he just always enjoyed it. It probably helped that he was good at it; it was always easier to enjoy lessons when you were good at them.

He was just unpacking his stuff when someone walking past caught his attention. It was Dean! He was surprised to see Dean drop into a seat at the desk next to him, but even more surprised at the expression on the other boy's face. Dean had seemed like one of those people who were always aware of everything around them, but at that moment his eyes were cloudy and unfocused. Ethan wanted to lean over and ask him if he was ok, but at that moment the teacher walked in.

"Good Afternoon!" She said with a wide smile and a loud voice. Ethan saw, out of the corner of his eye, Dean wince at the loud noise, but the lesson had started so he couldn't talk, even if every moment that passed he was getting more and more worried about the other boy.

The lesson was about Titrations which made Ethan grin. He had done Titrations at his old school and had actually been pretty good at them, this work would be easy.

Ethan listened to her explain everything about how to use the pipette and the burette and the phenophilate but he wasn't paying that much attention. He knew all this stuff, he was more focused on two things; Dean - who he couldn't help but glance at every now and again, he was just drawn towards the other boy, he wished he could figure out why - and also figuring out what his teachers name was. It is always helpful to know a teacher's name. 

It took a while, and a lot of squinting, but he managed to read her name off her name tag. "Mrs Grey." It said. Ethan couldn't help but feel like it suited her, she had grey hair and greyish eyes and overall looked very grey.

"We are going to do a worksheet to make sure you can all do the calculations," Mrs Grey announced, "please get into pairs with the person on the desk next to you."

Ethan looked around to try and figure out who he was going to be working with. Based on how the desks would go together he would be with whoever was on his left. A quick glance to his left told him what he already knew. Dean was on his left.

"Ok everyone, get into your pairs." Mrs Grey said, waving her hands to get them to move as she picked up the worksheets she was going to hand out.

"Hello." Ethan said with a smile as he pulled his chair up to Dean’s desk. The other boys eyes had cleared and he looked more alert, but he clearly had no idea what was going on so Ethan had decided moving to meet him was probably a good idea. It didn't look like Dean was planning to move until the end of the lesson. "I guess we are working together."

Dean didn't reply to his greeting. He just slammed his head on the desk. Hard. Ethan wasn't sure whether to be more concerned about that fact that it must have hurt, or about the fact his presence had caused the other boy to react like that. He was even more worried than he had been before, and he had been pretty worried before. He needed to stop being worried about a random boy he barely knew, but he couldn't help it.

Dean didn't reply this time either, but he did grunt which Ethan took to mean that he wasn't dead and probably meant to hadn't given himself a concussion.

"Here is your sheet," Mrs Grey said as she got to their desk with the worksheet, "Dean, head off the desk please." she added before she moved on to pass the sheet to other people.

Dean slowly lifted his head off the desk and said the first thing ever to Ethan. "Well, I hope you know what we are doing. Because I don't." Ethan couldn't hold back a small smile at the other boy. His voice was beautiful and from up close, so was his face. He couldn't help but wonder why Charlie said he was so dangerous. He couldn't help but notice an undercurrent of grief in Dean's voice, and he wondered if it was linked to his missing best friend, he knew it had been years like Charlie had said, but he knew that he would never recover from losing a friend like that.

He quickly explained to Dean what they were doing, deciding not to comment on the fact that he should have been listening. He wasn't a jerk and Dean looked sad enough that he wouldn’t dare. The sadness wasn't exactly on his face, it was more in his eyes. Like his heart had been filled with sadness for so long it had bled through into his eyes.

They managed to work for quite a while before a noise disrupted Ethan's thought process. It sounded like… it sounded like it had come from Dean. Like Dean was hungry? Ethan was very confused, it had just been lunch so he would assume that Dean had just eaten, but hunger was hunger so he wordlessly handed over the nature valley bars he kept in his bag for eating on his way home. From the sound of it, Dean needed it more than he did.

"Thanks." Dean muttered. Ethan saw him crumble the bar - so he could eat it quietly - and couldn't help but smile. There was something so funny about Dean Winchester - the boy Charlie had told him to watch out for - crumbling a nature valley bar like everyone else would, while he was working with Ethan.

Ethan spent the rest of the lesson trapped in his thoughts. Dean seemed like a normal guy, actually he seemed pretty decent, but Charlie wouldn't have lied. Ethan couldn't deny that he felt a pull, drawing him towards Dean. There was just something about him, maybe it was his troubled past, or maybe it was just the fact he seemed a lot nicer than everyone gave him credit for, but he wanted to get to know Dean. He wasn't scared of him like he should be, he was just curious.

Well, they always said that curiosity killed the cat.

Ethan had barely registered that it was the end of the lesson, before Dean was hesitantly speaking up, clearly saying something which had been playing on his mind all lesson, "You don't seem bothered about working with me."

Ethan just shrugged and answered with a small grin, "Should I be?"

"It's just - why are you being so nice to me?" Dean's voice was wavering slightly and it gave Ethan pause. How horrible had everyone been all Dean's life, that he thought Ethan's actions counted as 'so nice'?

"I haven't done anything."

"You've talked to me. You told me what we were doing. You gave me food. That counts as nice."

"See you whenever." Ethan said, not answering Dean's question, his mind too caught up with this revelation. Dean really counted a nature valley bar and a conversation as nice. In that moment Ethan made a decision. It didn't matter what Charlie said, this boy needed a friend, and it just so happened Ethan was right here.

The rest of the afternoon went smoothly, but for some reason he couldn't shake the nagging feeling in his head that something was wrong. He couldn't figure out what it could possibly be, but ever since Chemistry there had been an itch under his skin which he just couldn't scratch.

The ache in his chest was stronger than ever and he couldn't help but rub at his sternum, as though he expected it to relieve some of the pain. He didn't know why, he had tried everything over the years, nothing worked.

He just wanted to go home, collapse onto his bed and hope that all his problems vanished with sleep. He couldn't figure out what was causing the itch under his skin - or the ache in his chest - but it felt like something was building. Like something which had always been there was now growing, getting bigger than it ever had, and now it just needed an escape. It needed to be released but he didn't know how!

He couldn't figure out how to get rid of the feeling.

By the time he finally was allowed to go home, the itch had increased to the point of pain and he was desperate to get rid of it. He would do anything to just get the itch to go away.

His parents were both out when he dragged himself back home - he wasn't surprised, they seemed to spend more time away than with Ethan. He walked up the stairs to his room slowly, everything he touched seemed to crackle with electricity and when he flopped onto his bed the very covers felt like a grater on his skin. He had never known himself to be this sensitive, but here he was. Everything was too much.

He pulled his phone out and quickly pressed on Charlie's contact, hoping against hope that she would know what was going on and what he should do.

She picked up on the third ring.

"Hello? Ethan?" she sounded confused and Ethan couldn't blame her for that, they had just seen each other at school and they never called - who did nowadays when there were group chats to talk in.

"Charlie -" he gasped out, his breathing speeding up and the itch under his skin changing to a crackle.

"Ethan? Are you ok?"

"I don't know," he said honestly. He didn't actually know what was happening, never mind if he was ok or not.

"I'll be right over, text me your address." Charlie said decisively. She didn't even wait for Ethan to respond before she hung up, and Ethan didn't think twice before sending her his address. His dad always told him not to give their address away, but his dad wasn't there and Ethan could feel his breathing start to even out very slightly at the thought of Charlie being there. She would know what was happening. She would be able to help and get rid of the crackle which was all he seemed to be able to focus on.

The 10 minutes he spent waiting for Charlie were awful. The crackle was steadily growing and he just couldn't sit still. Everything was uncomfortable but not moving was almost worse.

His mind was racing and he couldn't settle. All he could focus on was the energy growing under his skin. Was that it? Was it a form of energy? Was it-

Was it his magic?

The sound of the doorbell interrupted that thought process and he couldn't be more thankful for Charlie's timing. If he had continued that train of thought, then it would have probably taken him back to dreams of green eyes and the crackle of sparks, and that was a whole can of worms he didn't want to open for a long, long time.

He raced downstairs, pulling the door open and allowing Charlie to enter his large, empty house.

Charlie was clearly in awe, looking around the entrance way with wide eyes and a slack jaw, but as soon as her eyes met Ethan's, it was like she snapped back to business, shutting her mouth with a snap and walking over to peer at Ethan.

"You ok?" she asked slowly, clearly still trying to figure out what was up.

Ethan shuffled in place, shifting his weight from one foot to the other while he tried to figure out what to say.

"Not really, it's like - there is an itch under my skin, but I can't scratch it." Ethan examined, grimacing slightly at his explanation but still happy that now that they were face to face, he was having an easier time explaining what was wrong.

Charlie looked thoughtful for a moment before saying, "Can I see your room," it seemed completely off topic to Ethan, but he dutifully led her up the stairs and into his room.

Charlie walked in, looking around the mainly bare room, before nodding and holding out her hand. Ethan just stood in the doorway, watching her and trying to figure out what was going on. What was she doing? How was this anything to do with him?

"Come here," Charlie said after waiting expectantly for about a minute.

Ethan looked around, why on Earth would she need him there? And how would this help him? But he shook his head and carefully walked forwards. He trusted Charlie, so if she said he needed to go over to her, he would.

As soon as he was standing in front of her, Charlie grabbed his arm. Ethan barely had a moment to gasp at the pins and needles which filled his arm, before Charlie was flying backwards surrounded with blue. She slammed into the wall with a sickening thump and Ethan felt his heart drop.

What had just happened? What was going on?

"Charlie?" he called, confusion and concern bleeding into his tone.

"Charlie?!" he repeated, when she still didn't move.

He rushed forwards, grabbing her hand as tears started selling in his eyes. He had no medical training or knowledge to help her, he had never done anything worse than graze his knee in his life.

Ethan gripped Charlie's hand tightly - so tightly that pins and needles started spreading through his hand - but he didn't care. Charlie needed to get up, she had to. She was his first friend here and, despite only knowing her for a short time, she was his best friend. He wanted to say ever, but something was stopping him from saying that, so he just settled on here.

"Come on, come on, come on," he muttered, tightening his grip as though his sheer force of will would make Charlie better.

He didn't know what he would do if she wasn't ok. If she didn't wake up. She had to wake up. There was no other outcome possible.

Suddenly, Ethan heard a grumbled, "M' hand." He dropped the hand as though he had been burned and shuffled forwards, peering at Charlie while she slowly fluttered her eyes open. Her eyes were slightly cloudy, but she was awake and you have to start somewhere don't you.

"Charlie? Are you ok?" he asked, his voice shaking and quiet.

"Yeah I'm fine, barely even a headache," she replied, sitting up and grinning at him.

Ethan couldn't help but feel like something was wrong with that. Like she should be hurt? She had flown into the wall, pushed by an unknown force, and now she was fine? He was about to ask Charlie whether it seemed suspicious to her as well, when he noticed the itch under his skin was gone.

"Do you know what that was?" he asked slowly. He needed to know, but he was also scared of the answer.

"Nope," Charlie replied, popping her 'p' with a smile, "I'd assume it was my magic reacting to yours." she explained, brushing herself off before saying, "anyway, I should probably get home if you're ok now, I have some French homework in for tomorrow."

Ethan nodded, walking Charlie back to the front door and showing her out. It made sense, he didn't use his magic at all, of course it would build up like an itch and then react to Charlie's. It had never happened before, but just because it was a first didn't make it weird.

Charlie was ok. He was ok. Everything was ok.

Everything was back to normal.

So why did it feel like nothing would be normal again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go!!  
> Hope you enjoyed!!  
> Have an amazing day/night!!!!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🎵 Look who's back..... Back again. 🎵  
> HI GUYS!!! I'm backkkkkkkk!!!  
> Hope you like this chapter!!! I'm probably going to be posting a few things for a while...... school is closed..... I have nothing better to do than write and read...... So yeah..... I'm probably going to be seeing you guys sometime in the next week. Fingers crossed.

Ethan sighed as he looked around his empty house. It was truly empty now, both his parents were away so it was just him, the house flies, and the large house. Yay.

He pulled his bag higher on his back, trying to remember whether he needed anything. Keys, homework, money, phone. He wondered for a moment if he should bring anything extra - it was Charlie's movie night that night, and he wasn't sure if staying over was an option or whether he needed to bring any food - before eventually deciding he had everything he could possibly need. Anything else he could probably borrow.

He walked out the door, locking it behind him and wandering slowly to the bus stop. He could already tell today was going to be a long day, and it hadn't even started yet. He just wanted the day to be over already so he could go to Charlie's house and just mindlessly watch a movie or two.

The bus was already packed by the time he got on. Coloured sparks glowing in every corner as the tingle of magic filled the bus, bored teenagers absentmindedly passing the time the way they knew best, practicing their magic. It was times like these that Ethan really wondered, if he actually used his magic - maybe at a time like this when his parents were away - what would it be like? What colour would it be and what would it do? Would it spark dramatically like some people's did, or would it just glow steadily. Would it be strong? Would he be good at controlling it? He hated falling into rabbit holes like this one, because once he started wondering, he couldn't stop, and then he was stuck with the knowledge he would never find out. Well, not until he moved away from home anyway. Not for a couple of years at the very least.

He didn't miss it exactly. You couldn't miss something you've never had, but he did miss the idea of it. Missed the idea of the freedom it would give and the strength it would provide - because even summoning pencils was a strength in the correct situation. Gazing around the bus, he was jealous of those lucky kids whose parents weren't against magic. He was jealous of those lucky people who were allowed to use their magic and pass the time making themselves stronger.

He didn't let himself dwell on it too long. He couldn't change his life, so why even imagine it? Luckily for him, the bus journey wasn't long and he didn't have to be stuck in close quarters with so many different kinds of sparks for too much longer.

As soon as the bus pulled to a stop, he was off. Out of the bus and into the crowd of students before some people had even pulled their bags on.

The hallways were packed, but he just elbowed his way through them with the ease of a high schooler with a mission. His friends were all standing in their usual place for mornings - under the big tree on the field - and he sighed with relief when he joined them.

"Hey Ethan!" Charlie called, over enthusiastic as always, as soon as he had stopped next to her, "you still on for movie night?"

"Of course," Ethan replied with a smile, "everyone else coming?"

Everyone nodded one at a time, mutterings of "yup" and "of course" scattered around, and Ethan smiled, once again he was ultra glad he had ended up in this friendship group.

The day crawled on, just like it always does when you are looking forward to something happening, and by the time the final bell went Ethan felt like he had just sat through an entire year worth of lessons.

He met up with everyone out the front of school and piled into Charlie's car. Charlie already had her licence and - although normally she wasn't allowed to drive her parents car to school - she had been allowed to borrow the car today to get all her friends back to her house.

Ethan found himself next to one of the windows, leaning against the cool glass and thinking, enjoying the freedom being out of school was bringing. He could do whatever he wanted now, now that he wasn't caught by the obligation to do what you are told and follow the pointless rules put in place.

And right now? He was going to use his freedom to spend the evening messing around with his friends.

He zoned back into the conversation in the car, just in time to hear Jo say, "I got a text from Sam, he will be at your house as soon as he can get a lift."

"Ok, great," Charlie muttered, and Ethan turned his attention back to the window. He was tired, really tired, and all he wanted to do was close his eyes and doze off, but he had said he would have a movie night with friends, so he was going to have a movie night with friends.

The rest of the drive passed in comfortable silence, the odd conversation starting, but never staying long. By the time they pulled into Charlie's drive, Ethan had managed to wake himself up a bit more and was back to being as excited. The miracles that a small bit of shut eye in a car can do.

"Come on, come on, come on," Charlie called, herding them all out of the car and into the house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ten minutes later, a bag dumping and after putting some frozen pizza in the oven, found them all curled up on various seats, discussing what to watch.

"Shouldn't we wait until Sam gets here?" Kevin pointed out, but he was quickly waved off. If Sam had a problem with the film then he should have got there on time.

"What about Star Wars?" Benny called, from the sofa he was sharing with Jo.

"Watched it yesterday," Charlie countered.

"What? All of them?" Ethan asked, but all he got in return was a shrug. He knew Charlie was a fangirl, but was she that big of a fangirl?

"Yeah probably all of them, knowing Charlie," Jo laughed, ignoring the glare which Charlie sent her.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Charlie asked, crossing her arms across her chest and glaring at Jo, red flames appearing at her fingertips.

Ethan's eyes widened and he wondered if he should be running away. He'd never seen Charlie this threatening, but no one else seemed worried. Everyone else was just ignoring the two girls staring match, and Jo hadn't even called up her magic, she just glared straight back at Charlie.

"That you really like Star Wars." Jo said slowly.

"Good point," Charlie laughed, her flames disappearing and both girls sitting back as though nothing had happened. Ethan stared for a moment longer, but when nothing changed he turned to Kevin.

"Do they always do this?"

"Yup, they seem to think it's hilarious," Kevin whispered back, "don't worry though, they're only joking, it isn't even a real argument."

Ethan nodded, leaning back into his seat. He glanced across to where Charlie was sitting and - sure enough - she was sitting there as though everything was completely normal. Ethan smiled to himself, this group was completely bonkers.

"Ok, what about something from the MCU?" Kevin tried, clearly used to the chaos which came from movie picking.

"Captain America? The first one?" Ethan suggested, carefully. He didn't want to step on anybody's toes, but he really did love Captain America.

"Yes," Jo called, whirling around to face Ethan, "I love that movie."

"Good idea," Benny agreed.

Charlie quickly jumped up, grabbing the dvd from one of her many cases, and turning the TV on.

The opening credits had just started when the rumble of an old car driving past filled the room. Ethan expected it to just keep ping and drive past, but it pulled up outside Charlie's house and stopped. Ethan was about to ask who could possibly be stopping outside Charlie's house, when Sam jumped out the passenger door. Followed by who else, but Dean Winchester.

Hey guys!" Sam called, walking into the room after opening the front door himself, leaving Dean awkwardly standing at the door with a frown on his face.

"Mum wanted me to check you were ok with Sam staying the night," Dean said carefully, staring at the ground.

Ethan frowned when he noticed that Dean hadn't even making eye contact with anyone, he also seemed to be being very careful about making sure he didn't accidentally end up inside.

"Yeah, he's fine to stay the night," Charlie assured, before saying, "you're welcome to join us." 

Ethan could tell from her tone that it was an offer she made often, but was never taken up on.

Dean glanced around, rubbing his jaw as he looked between the people on various seats, and the screen already playing the movie. For a moment, Ethan was sure he was going to say yes. But then he made eye contact with Ethan, shrugged and said, "I would love to, but I have things to do. Maybe next time." And then with a small wave, he was gone.

Sam sighed from where he had just sat down, "he has absolutely nothing to do."

"Damn," Benny grumbled, "for a moment there I was sure he was gonna take you up on your offer."

Ethan glanced out the window, watching the car as it pulled away and trying to ignore the weird tug in his chest which seemed to go all the way down to his soul, and tried to drag him towards Dean. He wished Dean had stayed and the worst part was, he didn't even know why. Sure Dean wasn't as bad as everyone seemed to think he was, and Ethan was trying to be a friend to him, but that just meant being friendly around school. And yet all Ethan wanted to do was be proper friends with Dean. The kind which met up outside of school and hung out. And for the life of him, he couldn't figure out why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOPE YOU ENJOYED!!!!  
> Please drop a comment if you did..... I could do with a bit of positivity right now!!!  
> Anyway!! I'll see you all soon!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!  
> I'm back!! And I brought a new chapter!! I hope everyone is doing well, everything is a bit crazy at the moment and I don't know when I will have the time/motivation to write, but I'll try. Hopefully it won't be too long.  
> (✿◠‿◠)

Dean almost smiled as he walked into chemistry. All of his lessons - all his life to be honest - was just as fucked up as it was before; all except Chemistry.

Every single lesson, Ethan would be there with a smile and a kind word and a conversation. For the first time in years, Dean felt like a normal person again. Ethan treated him like he wasn't a complete asshole, and Dean still wasn't quite used to it.

He knew that this whole thing was his own fault, he pushed everyone away and started acting like this, but he'd almost forgotten he could be anything else, until Ethan turned up. And now? Now it felt like finally something was changing in his life. 

He sounded like a lovesick teenage girl talking about the new hot transfer student, but to be honest, that's how he felt. Not that Ethan was hot - well he was, but that wasn't the point - and he definitely wasn't lovesick. But he felt like - like - he just couldn't describe it. It was like he'd been living in fog for years, searching for the light and Ethan had turned up with a torch.

And that was the other problem. Dean didn't love Ethan, he loved Cas. And yet he couldn't deny the pull he felt towards him.

He felt it. He hated it. Yet he still almost smiled whenever he passed Ethan in the halls. He still looked forward to Chemistry just so he could see Ethan.

"Hey Ethan," he said as he sat down in his seat, pulling out his text books and pens.

Ethan smiled back at him, a quiet "hello," all he got before the lesson started and Ethan refused to even look in his direction. He really was a goody two shoes and a half, yet Dean couldn't find it within himself to tease Ethan about it. The guy cared about his future, Dean could give him that.

The lesson passed and Dean even found himself writing some of the things they were learning down! He only did it when Ethan turned and glared at him, in that way which just screamed 'do-some-work', but it was something.

As they started leaving, Ethan passed him a breakfast bar and then left the room without even a glance backward. Dean managed to stumble out of the room and against one of the walls before he froze, staring down at the offensive bar.

He was hungry - he was basically always hungry, Dean Winchester wasn't one of those people big on self love and caring for yourself. And ok, it was a bit self destructive, but for the last eight years, he hadn't been able to find it within himself to care - but he didn't think his stomach had grumbled at all. He definitely hadn't mentioned anything which only left - had Ethen brought the bar in specially for him?

Before he could spend much more time contemplating that problem, the bell rang, telling him to get to his next class. Dean thought for a moment about just ditching, but his dad was angry enough at his recent behaviour, no point in making it worse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dean walked down the halls, an almost smile on his face which completely juxtaposed where he was going. He was heading to the back of school, to hang out with the other bullies over lunch. Because, even if he was almost friends with the new good kid, that didn't stop him from being a bully.

Even if sometimes he wished it did.

He nodded his head at Ethan as he passed, a mixture of 'thank you' and just simple 'hello' filling his gaze. He hadn't eaten the bar yet, deciding to wait until lunch to eat it, and it was a comforting weight in his pocket; reminding him that someone still cared, however little.

"Hello," Ethan replied with a smile, an actual smile, not an almost smile like Dean always sent him. "Where are you going for lunch?" Ethan asked quietly.

"Just to the back of school," Dean replied, wondering if Ethan had been at the school long enough to figure out that was where the bullies went. Because, sure Dean had a reputation, but a reputation and fact are two entirely different things.

"Ok," Ethan said, his face lighting up slightly, "you could always join me and my friends." It was just an offer, but Dean could see in Ethan's eyes how much it would mean to him. Unfortunately it was also Ethan's eyes which reminded him why he had to say no.

"Thanks for the offer, but I'm fine. I'll see you around."

"Ok," Ethan said, and there was definite disappointment there and Dean had to remind himself over and over why the answer had to be no, "well, the offer is always open. I'm sure the others wouldn't mind."

Dean snorted at that, a cruel laugh already out his throat before he could stop it, "Yeah, I think they would mind." he muttered, "they aren't my greatest fans."

"I'm sure that's not true," Ethan argued, but it was pointless, Dean was already walking away with a fake smile and a wave.

Charlie may have used to be one of his good friends, the others may have once been his friendship group, but that was another year, a different Dean, they wouldn't welcome him now.

Not after all he'd done.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Speak of the devil," was the first thing Dean heard as he arrived at the back of school, the last one to arrive as always, "we were just talking about you!" Ruby's voice was light and playful, but Dean knew better than to let it trick him.

"Oh yeah?" he replied, his cruel mask slipping on like a second skin, albeit a less well fitting on than just a few weeks before, "what were you saying?"

"Just about how we haven't seen you around very much recently," Lilith said with a dangerous smirk, "We were starting to think you were avoiding us." 

"No, just been busy," Dean replied, "family and all that." He hoped it would be enough to appease them and, judging from the way they leant back against the wall, sparks of black, red and dark purple coming off them respectively, Dean thought it was.

“So have you finished being busy?”

“What?” Dean said, turning to face Alistair, who was the one who had spoken in that dangerous and threatening tone.

“You’ve been so busy recently, we haven’t even been able to plan what to do about that new kid.” Ruby said. It was obvious from the way she was answering Dean’s question, that this had been what they were talking about.   
  
“I was all up for a false sense of security and all, but this seems more like we aren’t going to do anything.” Lillith added, nodding her head with a smirk painted onto her face.

“Um yeah, not today. We’ll talk about it tomorrow?” Dean said slowly, but even he could tell that he didn’t really mean it. It was obvious that all the others would be able to figure it out too.

“Sure,” Lillith smiled, the glint in her eyes showing Dean that she would make sure to hold him to that one.

He tried to join in their conversations, but he found himself distracted, thoughts of Ethan and the friendly conversation he had been invited to join filled his head. He just didn't fit in here any more. He could no longer listen to their cruel laughter without cringing or watch them compare lunch money steals without feeling bad. He may still be a bully, but now he was a pretty bad one.

He pulled his bar out, the 'breakfast' bar, despite the fact he was eating it for lunch, and stared at it for a minute, not eating it. The more he thought about it, the more he wanted to join Ethan and his friends. The more he wanted to sit at his old table, which sat in a puddle of sun and was filled with the friendly chatter of friends, talking about nerdy stuff and films. The more he wanted to go back to who he used to be.

"You know what," he said, over the quiet conversation Alistair and Lilith were having, "I'll see you guys later." And with those parting words, he was off, walking away and heading back to the canteen.

He hoped that Ethan had been right, that they would welcome him back even after everything, or else this was going to end up incredibly awkward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!!  
> Stay safe everyone!!  
> ❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤🤍💕💞💓💗💖💝  
> ❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤🤍💕💞💓💗💖💝


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well will you look at that...........  
> I'm back.......... It's been...... what? Two days?  
> Yeah...... I wrote quickly for once.   
> I'm stuck inside, none of the fics I'm reading were updating........ I had nothing else to do *Pointedly ignores all the work I was (and still am) meant to be doing.* huh..... yeah....... nothing else to do.......  
> ANYWAY!! I had time to write, I wrote, you guys get a new chapter......  
> ENJOY

Dean walked over to the canteen, holding his breath as though it could possibly change anything. He could feel the breakfast bar in his pocket, still there reminding him why he was doing this.

He was doing this because - actually he had no idea. It just felt right and he may have been ignoring every single one of his instincts for the last few years, but he was listening this time, and he was following his gut feeling. And today, that feeling was dragging him back towards Ethan.

He tried to ignore the implications of that. Tried to ignore the fact that he was changing everyone of his routines, because one guy talked to him, but he couldn't find it within himself to care.

Improvement was improvement, no matter what was causing it.

"Hello," he said with a small wave, standing at the head of the table he used to be a part of.

Ethan looked happy to see him, a small soft smile appearing on his face as they made eye contact. The others on the table however, looked less pleased.

"Hello brother," Benny said, his friendly welcome a contrast to the stiffness of his voice. Dean winced, remembering back when Benny had called him brother in a nice way, as a way of showing their friendship. Dean assumed that now it was either habit, or nostalgia.

"Hey, mind if I join you?" he asked hesitantly, not moving from where he was standing. He knew that if even one person said no, he would fuck right off to where he came from and never show his face around here again, but it was worth a try. It was always worth a try, no matter how terrifying this was.

There was muttering coming from the table, Benny, Jo, Charlie and Kevin whispering between themselves deciding Dean's fate. Ethan smiled apologetically, before leaving forwards as well, joining their circle of whispers. Dean couldn't tell whether it was going well for him or not. He knew that if he just tried, he would be able to hear exactly what they were saying, but he can't be bothered. It's their choice, hearing what awful things they had to say about him wasn't exactly going to help anyone.

"We have come to a conclusion," Charlie announced, just as dramatic as she used to be and it made Dean smile. Everything had changed, yet everything was still the same. "You can stay as long as you're nice."

Dean could feel his mouth drop open in shock, but he couldn't do anything to stop it. They were letting him stay? After all he had done?

"Really?" he asked, his voice embarrassingly weak.

"Sure," Jo said, twirling the fork she was eating her lunch with, "as long as you're nice."

Dean nodded, still not entirely able to believe this was happening. Ethan patted the spare seat next to him, and apparently that was all it took because Dean's legs were moving without a conscious thought from him, and suddenly he was sitting next to Ethan, the conversation he had interrupting restarting around him. He could feel the warmth of the sun against his side, the puddle of light spilling right onto him.

He blinked a couple of times, trying to remember himself so he could listen to the conversation. He probably wouldn't try to join in, no point pushing his luck and all that, but it would be nice to be able to listen.

Ethan turned towards him, a mixture of a smile and a concerned frown on his face, as he leaned over slightly and whispered, "You ok?"

Dean nodded, unable to form words. His friends had just accepted him back? After everything that had happened? There were no snide comments. No hate filled glares. Just - just wariness, which he had earned, and a couple of odd looks, like they were trying to figure out what he was doing there.

To be honest, he didn't know. Why was he there?

He pulled out his lunch, the bar which had started all this, and ate it slowly. It was all he had for lunch so he might as well savour it.

“Is that all you have?” Jo asked from the other side of the table, nodding at his bar with a small frown on her face.

Dean ducked his head down slightly, “Oh, yeah, I forgot to bring lunch today, Ethan gave it to me.

He wasn’t sure what he expected the reaction to that would be, but he definitely didn't expect Jo to gesture to one of her sandwitches, an offer clear on her face. Nor did he expect Benny to slide a bag of chips across the table, unopened and clearly being offered up.

Dean just blinked. He knew teenagers - he was a teenager after all - and this was food. No one offered up food to anyone unless they meant it. Food was how you made friends and how you showed your friends you cared.

So why were they offering him their food? Did this mean? Could this mean they cared about him?

But no. That couldn’t happen.

Dean was a bully, a horrible person who had done horrible things, he didn’t deserve kindness, or breakfast bars or friends. 

He didn’t deserve any of this.

He dropped his half eaten bar onto the table, pushing his chair back and taking off, leaving the room with only a single backwards glance. He distantly noticed the green sparks surrounding him, brightening the old, wilty tree in the corner of the cafeteria which was probably there to brighten the place up or something.

He ignored how Ethan had looked heartbroken, ignored how Charlie had looked like she was actually sad Dean was going, how Benny had just been staring after him in confusion, how Jo looked like she wanted to go and drag him back and how Kevin looked like he had no idea what had just happened. He ignored it all, and he just kept on walking.

He didn’t return to the back of school, he wanted to be alone. Away from the goodness of the table bathed in golden light, away from the demons of his so-called friends.

He just needed to figure out his thoughts, alone.

He was storming along one of the corridors when it happened. It was nothing big, a girl a couple of years below him was walking too slowly, nothing which would normally get a reaction other than an eye roll from Dean. But he was worked up, he was angry, he was confused, he was alone and despite knowing he deserved it, he still hated it.

The kid was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and that was all it took.

Before she even saw what was coming, before she had probably even realised there was someone behind her, Dean had pushed her to the side. He saw her fall out of the corner of his eye, watched her bag spill open on the floor and her shell shocked expression as she lay there.

Dean kept on walking.

He thundered along the corridors, out of the school building, across the field until he was standing as far as he could go without leaving. He thought about leaving, weighed up the positives and the negatives, but ultimately decided against it. 

School was safe. However much he hated it, he knew the hiding holes and knew no one would find him out here. No one would see or interrupt him while he was trying to wallow.

He needed to figure out where he stood, who he was. Was he a bully? His previous actions seriously suggested that, but Dean wasn’t like the others. Ruby and Lillith and Alistair did it for the fun of it, Dean did it because all he could feel was misery and he felt like if he could transfer a tiny amount of that misery to others, everything would be better. It didn’t change anything, but Dean was too far gone to turn back, too angry at the world to even try. But did that change anything? He was still a bully, reasons didn’t change that.

But Ethan seemed to think there was still good in him. Did that matter? Did that change anything?

Was he Ethan’s friend? Charlie’s? Benny’s? Kevin’s? Jo’s? Was he still deserving to call himself Cas’ friend? Was he just a small 8 year old who had lost their friend?

Had he changed at all? Had he changed too much?

It felt like one moment he was a happy 8 year old with a large group of friends and a hopeful future, and then he blinked and found himself here. A bully who hated life, everyone else and had no hope for a future. How had all this happened without him even noticing?

Sure he had noticed it happening, but he hadn’t stopped. He hadn’t thought. The pain of losing Cas, even years afterwards, was too much. It drowned everything out. Everything in his life he saw through the fog of his own grief. And he couldn’t shake the fog away.

He dropped onto the grass, hanging his head between his knees as he realised something. He had never moved on. His life had never continued. His life had been put on hold the second Cas left, and it wouldn’t restart until he got back.

And yet apparently, that would never happen.

He really was still the little 8 year old who has lost his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
> I hope you enjoyed that!!!  
> Please leave kudos/comments..... they feed my soul and encourage me to write new chapters!!!  
> Stay safe and I'll see you soon!!!!!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello people!! I hope all of you are staying safe and doing well.  
> I come baring a new chapter.... Enjoy!!

Ethan watched Dean walk away with a frown on his face. He was worried about his new friend, and had no idea why he had left. Everyone had been being so nice and accepting, and Ethan could see in his face that Dean had been loving it.

So why did he leave?

The green sparks surrounding Dean as he’d left suggested that the answer was something to do with emotions. Maybe because he was sad? Cas had noticed - and Sam had confirmed during a study session - that when Dean gets sad, he releases part of his magic accidentally. Sam wouldn’t tell him any more, but now it begged the question; Why was Dean sad?

What had happened to upset Dean enough to make him leave?

A lonely bar sitting on the table suddenly caught Ethan’s attention.

It was the bar he had given Dean, the bar which was all Dean had to eat, and he had only eaten half of it.

Ethan could feel concern starting to coil in his gut, he couldn’t help it. He knew that Dean wasn’t eating enough, could tell it from the way he had looked at everyone's food around the table, the way he had eaten the bar until he had given up on it.

“What just happened?” Charlie suddenly asked, breaking the stifling silence which had descended over the table.

“I don’t know,” Ethan whispered back, his voice reflecting the emotion bubbling beneath his skin. Something was up, and he had the feeling it wasn’t going to be easy to find out what.

Maybe he could ask during Chemistry? That would be assuming that Dean would actually be honest though, which seemed unlikely. Ethan had started to notice a pattern; If Dean was feeling defensive, he lied. Ethan had a feeling that Dean would be feeling defensive after running off for no reason.

“You really care about him, don’t you brother,” Benny pointed out quietly.

Ethan’s head snapped up in shock, tearing his gaze away from the half eaten bar, and he had half a mind to just deny it. There had been something in Benny’s tone, something which suggested that he knew exactly what Ethan felt, and it wasn’t good old friendly care.

“Yeah, I do,” he said instead, a slight blush dusting his cheeks.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

By the time Ethan got to Chemistry, he just wanted answers. He’d spent the last part of lunch wondering what could have caused Dean to walk off, and each idea was worse than the one before.

He wondered whether everything he’d been hearing about Dean being a bully was true, and he’d just remembered that he hated everyone; but that didn’t work because Ethan knew Dean. He didn’t know everything about the guy, but he wanted to, and he knew enough.

He knew Dean wasn’t actually a horrible person, and he knew Dean never did anything without a reason. Him running off would be the same. He would have a reason, and everything would be okay.

He sat down in his seat, grabbed his equipment out and waited.

He watched the rest of the students trickle in, keeping an eye out for Dean. He wasn’t there.

He listened to the start of the lesson, expecting Dean to just walk in with a cocky grin and take his seat. He didn’t come.

By half way through the lesson, it became apparent to Ethan what was actually happening. Dean wasn’t coming.

He hated how much it hurt to admit it, but for some reason Dean not turning up to Chemistry felt like a personal attack. Talk about pathetic.

The rest of the lesson passed slowly and Ethan tried to pay attention to his work, but he was worried and annoyed and concerned and a whole mix of emotions which shouldn't really go together and just ended up making the most  _ enjoyable _ feelings.

He cared for Dean, and clearly something had happened. He just had no idea what.

When Mrs Grey asked Ethan if he was going to be seeing Dean soon - so he could give Dean the work he had missed - Ethan nodded quickly. Handing work over seemed like the perfect excuse to go looking for Dean and, if all else failed, there was still movie night. Sam was going to be there and if Dean dropped him off, he could catch him with a conversation in the name of homework.

Ethan felt like waking his head off the table. He was putting way too much effort into planning how to unsuspiciously talk to a single guy.

The bell was a welcome relief by the time it finally rang - about two lifetimes since Ethan had walked into the Chemistry room - and he breathed out a sigh. One more lesson and he would be free. Well, free to go to Charlie's movie night, that counted as freedom. It wasn't school. Anything that wasn't school counted as freedom.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If Ethan had thought that Chemistry had dragged on, then his last lesson proved him wrong. It was the true definition of drag. Every time he looked at the clock, expecting at least twenty minutes to have passed, he was hit in the face with the knowledge that only one or two minutes had actually passed.

It was driving him insane.

He felt like ripping his hair out or slamming his head on the desk. He just felt so unsettled! His skin buzzed and every other thought seemed to be going straight down Dean Street.

It felt similar to the time he had called Charlie. The same unsettled itch and the same buzzing, but last time he felt like this Charlie was thrown across the room and he was determined not to let anything like that happen again. Charlie had been lucky not to get hurt; he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he hurt someone.

The moment the bell released him from the school day he was out and round the front of school, waiting near where Charlie always parked her car.

"Hey Ethan," Charlie called with what Ethan assumed was a smile - he couldn't really tell from the distance - as soon as she noticed Ethan leaning against her car. He hoped she unlocked it quickly, he could barely sit still - the buzzing was getting so bad - and he just wanted to leave school and get moving.

"Hey Charlie," Ethan replied, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"You alright? You look like - as an adult would say - you have ants in your pants."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I just want to get out of here," Ethan lied. Everything was not fine, but he could only hope that it would be.

"Alright," Charlie said, her tone soaked in disbelief, which caused Ethan to wince but he didn't change his statement. "Well the others should be here soon and then we can get out of here."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ethan sighed in relief as he climbed out of the car. If he had thought that being in the car would cool the itch down, he'd been extremely wrong. It had made it worse, the enclosed space and the magic from everyone else filling the car, just made Ethan feel like he was five seconds away from blowing up at all times.

He noticed Benny giving him an odd look, like he knew there was something up with Ethan. He saw a spark of red out of the order of his eye and smiled slightly. Benny's power was finding illnesses - which was why he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. Of course his friend was checking whether he was ill, that was just the kind of guy Benny was.

That was just the kind of people all of Ethan's new friends were. At his old school, he'd had some amazing friends, but none he had tried to keep in touch with. They were friends by proximity, and as soon as Ethan moved away, none of them contacted him and he didn't contact any of them. This group however, well Ethan couldn't quite figure out how he'd ended up here. Everyone was so amazing and he was certain all of them would kill for him, and him for them. They were lovely people, and had all welcomed Ethan with open eyes.

He already knew that if he ever moved away, he would keep in touch. He would make sure to organise meet ups and go to events with them. If Ethan thought he knew what friendship was before, he was wrong. Because this was friendship, and it was all he had ever wanted.

Well, almost.

"Come on Ethan," Charlie yelled, breaking Ethan's thought track which he was incredibly thankful for. He did not want to know where that one had been heading. "You're going to get locked out if you stand around there much longer!"

Ethan smiled, quickly hurrying through the door. He'd been so caught up in thought that everyone was already inside and grabbing snacks and drinks, which he quickly joined in with, grabbing himself a glass of water and some popcorn to eat during the movie and a muffin to eat while he waited for a movie to be picked.

"What are we watching today?" he asked, figuring the quicker everyone started arguing, the faster a choice would be made.

"I saw a really good movie a couple of weeks back which I think you'd like," Kevin said. He looked like he was about to explain the plot of the movie, when Jo cut in.

"I'm sure it was amazing, but was it in English?"

Kevin furrowed his brow, thinking for a moment, "good point, I think it was Spanish," he said with a slight blush, causing everyone else to laugh. Kevin could understand all languages - it was his magic, however he couldn't speak them. Just understand - unfortunately it meant he often forgot what language something was in. Ethan had only barely been around a week before Kevin was waving a French book in his face, telling him it was amazing and he just had to read it. Ethan had to explain to him that it wasn't in English, and if Kevin could find it in the correct language, then he would read it.

"How about marvel?" Jo offered, "we could watch the winter soldier since we saw the first one last time. I'm assuming everyone here has seen all the movies so we don't need to watch them in chronological order."

"Yeah sure," Charlie agreed, jumping up to put the disk in.

Charlie was just connecting the TV to her DVD player when the door opened and Sam strided in, dragging an annoyed looking Dean behind him.

As soon as Dean stepped over the threshold, into the room, Ethan felt the itch under his skin dissipate, as though it had never been there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!!  
> If you did, please leave comments and/or kudos!!!  
> See you soon!!!!!  
> ❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤🤍❣💕💞💓💗💖💘💝


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well will you look at that.... I'm back... With a new chapter.  
> I can't remember when I last updated this...... I don't even know what day it is today.  
> Time means nothing now...........
> 
> Anyway...... You didn't come here to hear my social isolating fuelled rambling about time..... You came here for the new chapter!!

A cosmic joke, that was all Dean’s life was. Any uncertainty of that fact was dispelled as soon as Dean skipped Chemistry. He had known he couldn’t physically or mentally face Ethan, not after running away at lunch, so he decided to do the logical thing and just skip the entirety of the afternoon. He stayed on the field the entire time, which it turned out was just as well.

He had barely just heard the bell ring, the one which should have chased him to Chemistry, when an itch under his skin appeared. He knew what it was, you don’t avoid using your magic for ten years without figuring out what it felt like, what he couldn’t figure out was why it was appearing.

He wasn’t going to use his magic, even if he did know that it would be the quickest way to sort all this out, which only left crossing his fingers and hoping that itch under his skin would just vanish. Yeah right! When had Dean ever been that lucky.

He managed to make it nearly the whole hour of sitting there, picking at grass, before he felt his magic override his mental barriers and whoosh around him, brightening the grass by about three shades of green and growing the trees a couple of inches taller. Dean was fairly sure no one would notice, but even if they did, it wasn’t like it would be connected back to him.

If Dean had one skill, it was keeping secrets from people.

He relaxed back against the freshly revitalised grass, closing his eyes and revelling in the peace, knowing that he needed to sort his head out, and to do that he needed to figure out what was going on between him and his old friends. 

_ And him and Ethan  _ a traitorous voice in his head pointed out, but he ignored it, trying to get rid of the annoying prickle. Nothing was going on between them. They were friends and barely even that. Nothing else and that's the way it would stay.

The blue if the sky reminded him of Ethan's eyes and damn if that thought didn't crush Dean more than a ten tonne boulder even could. When he looked at the sky, he thought of Cas' eyes. Always had, always would.

So what was this?

The itch was back. His magic was feeling insistent today. It wanted something, but Dean couldn't figure out what. He would have asked, if magic wasn't just an energy which he created on his own. Whatever his magic wanted, he also wanted, at least on a subconscious level.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Over the course of the afternoon, the grass just kept on getting greener, and Dean's magic more and more itchy. When the bell eventually rang, Dean could have cried in relief. He could get out, get away, escape from this hell hole and try and figure out what on earth his magic was even doing.

He didn't have the best memory, and he wasn't the smartest person in the world, but Dean was certain that this was the most unsettled his magic had ever been since he had lost Cas.

In the first month - after - after Cas vanished, his magic had been impossible. Despite Dean repressing it at all times, he could feel it under his skin and as soon as he let his defenses down, especially when he tried to sleep, it had been throwing sparks around and despite the fact his magic was unspecialised and shouldn't have been able to do anything other than that, Dean was fairly sure his house plant had brightened. He hadn't noticed at the time, but thinking back, his plant had survived much longer than it really should have.

Dean slowly makes his way back to the parking lot, keeping his eyes down and ignoring everyone else in the school, glaring at anyone who got too close.

He slid into the driver's seat of his baby, allowing the soft seats and the familiar scent of leather to calm his frayed nerves.

He closed his eyes, breathing deeply and trying to find his fragile self control and trap his magic back into the box he'd had it stuffed in since he was little. He felt so vulnerable, exposed, and he couldn't even figure out what had caused it.

"Hey Dean!" Sam said, sliding into the passenger side and apparently ignoring how tired Dean looked.

"Hey," Dean muttered, slowly peeling his eyes open and shifting baby into drive. He kept his eyes glued to the road, refusing to look over at Sam. If anyone would be able to tell exactly what was going on in Dean's head without Dean saying anything, it would be Sam.

"Everything alright?" Sam asked slowly, also staring out the window and keeping his hands clasped in his lap, as though he knew that Dean would be more likely to talk if he could pretend Sam wasn't using his powers to try and pry in his head.

"Don't, just don't," Dean muttered, turning his head just enough to glare at Sam - and the yellow sparks he was trying to hide - but not enough to make eye contact.

"Alright," Sam relented, the yellow sparks disappearing from the car. Dean was slightly confused over how quickly Sam had agreed to stop, until his brother added, "I'm going to Charlie's movie night today anyway, I'm sure someone will be able to tell me what's happened."

Dean froze. That was a very good point, anyone who'd been there at lunch would be able to say what had happened and Ethan would definitely point out that he had skipped Chemistry. He shook his head, even if that was true, Sam could find it would himself, Dean wasn't going to say it.

"Mum said you'd have to give me a lift after I've dropped my school stuff at home."

"Shit," Dean said, trying to figure out if bashing his head off the wall was a good idea. He was going to have to face everyone, not even a day after running away from them? His life was just one huge, cosmic joke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!!!  
> Stay safe!! And I'll see you whenever I get a new copter posted!!  
> (psssst - Writing is sped up by nice comments)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello People-who-might-exist!!  
> This chapter is a bit longer than normal..... so here you go.  
> *Tosses chapter into the void*

It took Sam about ten minutes to drop his school stuff off at home and grab a drink. That gave Dean ten minutes to sit in his baby, and think about how much he hated the world, and how much the world hated him.

Despite spending most of the afternoon thinking things through, and trying to figure out where he stood with absolutely everything, he still had no idea where he stood. Was he just a bully? Was he really as cruel and horrible as everyone seemed to think? Or was it all just an act? Just a false bravado like it had been originally?

Not even Dean knew anymore, so that just showed how confused everyone else must be.

The steering wheel was cool and firm under his forehead as he leant forwards. His skin was still itching, his magic screaming out for an unnamed something which wasn't in reach.

He heard the door open and Sam climb into the passenger seat, so he slowly sat up. He wasn't ready for this. He wasn't ready to face the people who used to be, and could be, his friends, if he would just figure out what and who he wanted to be.

Did he really want to move on?

That was a tricky one to answer. He wanted friends, he wanted people to like him and not be scared. He wanted his life back. But he didn't want to move on from Cas. Cas had been it for him, and he always would be. He just, he couldn't move past him.

"Something’s up with you," Sam said, breaking the silence and reminding Dean that he was supposed to be driving. He really wished he didn't have to do this, driving his brother to the last place he wanted to go wasn't Dean's idea of a fun time. "This is your last chance to tell me what's up before I just ask Charlie myself," Sam continued, causing Dean to huff until he said something which made Dean freeze for the millionth time that day, "or maybe I'll ask Ethan. I'm sure he will know what's up."

Dean turned his face to glare at his brother, "you wouldn't dare," he hissed angrily. He could feel his eyes getting ever so slightly greener as his magic ignored Dean trying to suppress it and prepared to attack whatever he believed was an enemy. In this case, there was no enemy, but his magic didn't care. Dean was getting angry towards something, his magic was getting ready to attack.

"Wouldn't I?" Sam taunted, his own eyes taking on a yellow hue. Dean sighed, he knew that if he wanted to get out of the car with his head intact, he needed to stop this conversation.

Without a word, he turned away and started driving. Out of the corner of his eye he saw when Sam deflated down in his seat, his magic draining away as Sam calmed down.

Dean smiled slightly. It seemed like an odd place for his brain to go, but he was so proud of his brother. He'd gotten so much stronger recently, and he was nothing like the innocent baby that Dean could still remember seeing for the first time. He had grown so much and he already had so many plans to help make the world better. He was thinking about being a lawyer, one who could find out if someone was lying from one glance. He wanted to change the world, and Dean was sure he'd be able to do it if he stayed as passionate as he was now.

"We're here," Sam pointed out, pulling Dean out of his musings and back into the real world. The real world which hated Dean's guts and wanted nothing more than to destroy everything he cared about.

"Yeah alright, hop out then," he said with a sigh, just wanting to go home and sleep. Or possibly cry, he hadn't decided yet.

"No can do, Mum wants you to make sure with Charlie that it's okay for me to go around after school next week, which means you have to come in."

"Why can't you ask Charlie that yourself? It definitely isn't a two person job."

"Maybe not, but that's what mum asked, so that's what you're going to have to do," Sam grinned smugly, leaving Dean to wonder if any hint of what was wrong had slipped out for Sam to find, maybe during their argument or something.

"But-" he started, trying his best to get out of it, but before he could say anything more, Sam cut it.

"You aren't going to defy mum are you?" he asked with a small laugh, "you know that you have to do as she says."

Dean glared at the floor of baby. However much he hated it, Sam had a point. Any single form of defiance could be enough to convince dad that he needed more help, and that would result in either a shrink, or the army, neither of which Dean wanted.

"Alright fine, let's get this over with," he said with a couple more murderous glares and something which definitely wasn't a pout.

It wasn't, alright!

He slowly walked up the driveway with his hands in his pockets and a glare on his face, ignoring Sam as he practically pranced ahead, a smug smile plastered all over his entire being.

Sam laughed, reaching back and grabbing Dean's arm, dragging him through the front door and into the living room.

Dean instantly threw his eyes down, staring at the carpet as though it was the most interesting thing he had ever seen and not just a plain boring cream carpet similar to all over carpets he had ever seen.

"Dean," a voice said, sounding shockingly pleased and apparently that's all it took for Dean's head to be snapping up, his eyes focusing on Ethan - who had been the one to speak - and the pleased smile on his face.

The weird magic itch which had been annoying Dean for most of the afternoon suddenly stopped, making Dean freeze in confusion. It had found what it was looking for.

Dean's eyes darted around the room, looking for what on earth could have settled his magic so quickly. It wasn't Jo, her gun magic was more likely to rile Dean's up than calm it down, natural world magic versus human world magic and all that. It wasn't Charlie or Benny or Kevin or Sam or…. It couldn't be.

No.

It couldn't be Ethan. Dean refused it. The only person who had ever had an effect close to that on his magic, had been Cas, but Cas wasn't here and he wasn't being replaced either. Dean wouldn't let that happen.

He closed his eyes, ignoring his magic and pressing it back down. It was probably just so compressed that anything which could be at all soothing would sooth it. Or maybe Ethan's magic was some sort of calming magic. Dean had never asked, so that was perfectly viable.

Yes that was it. Ethan's magic was calming, so it used its power on Dean. That was all.

"Mum wants to double check that you're okay with Sam coming over on Wednesday next week," Dean says quickly, trying nor to meet any of the judgemental stares he was sure would be surrounding him. When he first arrived he was too preoccupied with his magic to think about how much everyone must hate him, but now that he had figured all that out, he was reminded. He'd been awful, and now all the others would be angry at him.

"Of course that's fine," Charlie said and her voice didn't sound angry, but she was probably just covering it up for Sam's sake. As soon as he left they would all be talking about him.

"Great, well I'll go then," Dean said, already walking towards the door.

"Wait," Ethan said, startling Dean. He watched as he stood up and walked over, "Mrs Grey asked me to give you this," he explained, handing Dean some sheets of paper. Dean couldn't tell whether it was an accident or not that their fingers brushed, and he tried his best to completely ignore it.

Ethan walked back to where he'd been sitting before, leaving Dean gaping for a moment before he managed to get words to work for him, "yeah, I'll head off then," he muttered, starting to walk backwards.

"You don't have to, you know you're welcome to stay," Charlie pointed out, causing Dean to pause for just a moment. She wouldn't offer if she was angry. Would she? Or maybe she was just counting on the fact he always said no. Maybe that was the only reason she asked.

"Oh, well, you know, I have things to do, sorry," Dean muttered, like he knew everyone wanted him to.

"Are you sure? We're watching The Winter Soldier, it would be nice for you to stay," Ethan said quietly, causing Dean to whip his head around to face the other boy. He was staring at the ground, acting as though he hadn't said anything at all, but when the silence stretched for a bit too long, he lifted his head and the pure sincerity in his eyes nearly floored Dean.

"Well," he said awkwardly, "that is my favourite movie." He tried to convince himself that that was the only reason, but his heart refused to believe him. Stupid heart. "If no one minds, I could stay."

He waited for the grumbles, for everyone else to say that they minded or that if he had something to do, he better do it. But nothing happened. No one said that. There was a murmur of, "I don't mind," and "sure" and then he was stumbling to sit on the sofa, sending a quick text off to Mary to say where he was.

Everyone hadn't chased him off?

Nobody was glaring at him with pure hatred?

Everyone looked pretty happy that he had joined them?

He felt his magic slip back into the small space he made it occupy at all times, content and calm and - now that Dean had decided to stay - happy enough to leave him alone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dean had relaxed as the movie played on, apparently too much because Charlie saying his name made him jump and nearly fall off the couch.

"Dean," she said in the tone of voice which Dean remembered from when they were little meant that this was about to be a serious conversation. "Why did you leave? At lunch?"

He stared down at the floor, trying to figure out how to properly answer her. He could feel Sam's confused - and slightly nosy - stare on the back of his neck and Ethan appeared to be equally desperate to know the answer, if the look in his eyes was anything to go by.

"I couldn't stay," he muttered, not looking up and not giving any more details than that. He was sure his voice had probably wobbled, but that didn't matter. Because who would even care.

"Why not?"

"Because I couldn't," Dean answered stubbornly, not exactly wanting to spill his heart and soul out to these people who he knew he wasn't good enough for.

"Dean," Ethan said and Dean couldn't quite believe that this kid had already managed to perfect the 'tell me' tone, which was just stupid because what was Dean meant to do now? Spill his guts? Run away? Completely ignore everyone and hope that they forgot he existed?

As though he had realised he was part of the problem, Sam walked out of the room muttering something about getting himself some water. As soon as the door closed behind Sam, silence took over the room.

"Because you were all being so nice," Dean said to break the silence, "that's why I left."

"What? You left because we were being nice?" Kevin asked in confusion.

"I don't deserve it. I'm a bully and an asshole and I've been horrible to most of the school, you lot probably included. How does that mean I deserve people to be nice and give me food?"

"You're right, it doesn't. What makes you deserve it is the fact that the asshole isn't you. You've done some horrible things, but I know that's not who you truly are," Ethan said, staring at Dean in the way which made him sure that Ethan could see his very soul.

"You don't know anything," he muttered, instead, "I could be the worst person in the world for all you know."

"Maybe, but I don't think you are," Ethan said with a shrug, "and I don't think anyone here thinks you are either. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, but I don't think anyone would argue if you chose to join us."

There were murmurs of agreement from the rest of the room, before everyone turned back to the movie, leaving Dean with a lot to think about. He wanted to go back to his old friends, and they said they wouldn't mind, but could he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!! I promise that Dean will stop being an idiot..... at some point.....  
> I'll see everyone whenever I next update!!
> 
> Also I'm really sorry to ask this and everything.... But if you're here and have the time... Would you be able to leave a comment? It would mean a lot to me to know that someone is actually here, reading my fic.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...... what can I say..... I was bored last night and had some time to write......  
> So yeah.... I'm back again....... I hope you enjoy this chapter, I certainly enjoyed writing it!!  
> Also THANK YOU SO MUCH to the people who commented last chapter, it really does mean a lot to me and definitely reminded me why writing all this is worth it.

Ethan walked through the front doors of school on Monday morning with an uneasy smile on his face. Everything was fine - it really was, or should have been anyway - but that didn't stop him from feeling on edge. Something felt off, even if Ethan couldn't figure out what it could possibly be.

Something felt out of place.

Something was going to happen. He couldn't figure out what, but he could feel it, an odd sense, which he was pointedly not wondering whether it could be his magic, was telling him to be on edge, to keep an eye out for anything happening. He could feel eyes on the back of his neck, despite there being no one watching him when he looked around. He could feel tension in the air as if something needed to snap. He just really hoped that something wasn't going to be him.

He walked quickly through school, trying to outrun his own unease, to the tree to meet with the others, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up, as though there was a literal charge in the air. Surprisingly as soon as he reached the tree, stood next to the others, the feeling faded away, the eyes dissipated and the charge vanished, like whatever was causing the feeling had left now he wasn’t alone. It was gone now that he had protection in the form of friends. The sense which he had decided wasn’t his magic was still there and even with the odd feelings gone, it was still telling him to be careful. It was gone for now, but he could tell this wasn't the end of whatever it had been.

"Hey Brother, you okay? You look a bit shaken up," Benny said as he took a couple of steps backwards, giving Ethan space to join the circle.

Ethan thought about telling them the truth, he really did, but he quickly decided he couldn't. He was just being paranoid, no point worrying them over nothing. Well, it was something - he was at least 90% sure that it was something - but nothing important. Nothing worth worrying them over.

"Yeah I'm fine, just a bit tired. You know how it is," he explained, playing onto the simple fact that all teenagers are tired at all times, and it would be normal for him to look slightly ruffled because of it. Anyone who could go to school and not be instantly tired, either had some kind of magic so that they were never tired, or they were insane.

"Honestly same," Kevin said with a loud sigh, "I've been up since 4am doing revision for my Physics test after lunch, and I think I'm going to explode."

Everyone instantly turned to Kevin, Ethan's problem forgotten in the face of a sleep deprived and stressed Kevin.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The morning came and went with no other incidents. Ethan felt no more eyes on the back of his neck and yet he still couldn't relax. He hadn't seen Dean that morning - not that unusual but still putting him on edge for some reason - and he couldn't wait until after lunch. He didn't know why, but he really wanted to see Dean right now.

He walked slowly to the cafeteria, wondering what slop would be being served that day and whether any of it would be even slightly edible. He had a breakfast bar in his pocket, ready to be given to Dean whenever he saw him next, and he couldn't help but hope it would be soon. He missed him.

"Hey! Newbie!"

Honestly, looking back it was pretty good timing. Or bad timing, depending on your views.

Ethan looked up in confusion, finding a wall of bullies in front of him, standing there with malicious smiles on their faces, with Dean standing in the very middle of them, his own face ever so slightly apologetic as his  _ friends _ yelled at Ethan.

"Yeah you! See any other newbies around here?" one of the girls cackled, flicking her blonde hair behind her back.

"Hello?" Ethan said, deciding that acting calm and unrattled with probably work to his advantage in this situation.

"Give us your lunch money," the guy who wasn't Dean said, sneering nastily down at Ethan.

"What?" Ethan blinked, was this seriously happening? Was he seriously being bullied into giving up his lunch money? Was this a thing which actually happened at this school? Sure, he'd heard about how bad the bullies were, but he'd gotten so used to being left alone that he hadn't even noticed; add on the fact the only bully Ethan had actually met was Dean - who barely counted as far as he could tell - and Ethan had basically forgotten all about any bullies.

"We said, give us your lunch money," the second girl said, her eyes practically flashing with barely restrained malice. Or maybe her eyes did flash with magic, Ethan honestly couldn't tell and in that moment he didn't care either.

"No?" Ethan tried to keep his voice steady, but his words came out as more of a question than he would have liked while his voice definitely trembled. Who could blame him? He was defenceless against a wall of magic welding bullies and the only person who was within distance to save him, was with them.

He was fucked. Plain and simple.

It was times like this that Ethan wished that he had grown up in the usual way. He wished he knew the colour of his magic, the power it held. He wished that when threatened, he wouldn’t have to be scared, because he would have magic to protect him, instead of having to rely on someone else stepping in. His mind did it's best to ignore the pesky thought rattling around in the back of his consciousness. The one reminding him that something had changed and he wasn't quite as defenceless as he used to be. It wasn't enough, Ethan knew that without even paying attention to it, but it was something and it was definitely something to look into at some point.

"You know," girl one said with a worryingly large grin, her hands lighting up dark purple, "I don't think he's going to hand it over."

"No, I don't think so either," girl two joined in, her own hands lighting up black. The other guy’s hands lit up black following the other two's lead, but - Ethan noticed in almost detached wonder as he readied himself to get his money stolen in what was sure to be a painful way - Dean didn't follow, keeping his own magic hidden away.

Ethan blinked a couple of times, trying to break himself out of his shock. He had to get away, leave before these bullies decided that they wanted to use their magic to hurt him, rather than just threaten. He didn't even know what their magic was, but he could tell he really didn't want to find out.

Before Ethan could do anything other than stumble back a step or two, Dean's arms shot out, landing like a barrier between the other bullies and Ethan. He wasn't using his magic or anything, but the shock of one of their own trying to stop them seemed to be enough to get the others to pause for a second.

"Dean?" one of them asked - Ethan didn't actually see which, too focused on every move Dean made. "What are you doing?"

Dean didn't say anything, just shook his head and stayed where he was, blocking the other bullies from going forwards and attacking Ethan.

"Dean," someone - Ethan was fairly sure it was the guy this time - said warningly, "get out of the way. We've stalled long enough, it's time to teach him who's boss around here."

"No," Dean said, his voice cracking ever so slightly, but still strong. Still certain.

"What?"

"No, you aren't bullying him. He hasn't done anything, why can't you just leave him alone."

"You? You say that like you aren't one of us. Like you are different, separate. You know how we react to people who are different."

"Yes, I know. You bully them. You hate them. You treat them like shit and steal their money."

"Careful what you say Dean," the guy hissed, "if you keep on going like this, I'm going to start thinking that you don't want to be one of us anymore."

"Maybe I don't," Dean bit back, to Ethan's surprise. Was this really happening? Was Dean seriously giving up being a bully, to protect him?

"This is your last chance," the guy growled out, "you're either with us, or you're against us. Your choice."

Ethan watched, spellbound, as Dean smiled bitterly and walked away, grabbing Ethan's arm to drag him along to Ethan's normal table which was empty at the moment as all the others hadn't arrived yet.

"You alright?" Dean asked, apparently more worried about Ethan than the fact he'd just pissed off all his friends who just so happened to be the school's bullies.

"You stood up to them, for me?" was all Ethan managed to get out. He just didn't know what to say and all he could apparently do was stare at Dean in shock.

"Yeah, well," Dean said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, "I've been needing to do that for a long time, that just reminded me about it."

"Thank you," Ethan said quietly, sitting down in his seat. Dean looked around for a minute before sitting down next to Ethan, clearly deciding that he had nowhere better to be.

Ethan smiled over at him. Despite nearly being attacked by a group of bullies, he would have to file this day down as a success. Dean had finally joined their group, hopefully for good this time.

"Oh," Ethan said, finding the bar in his pocket, "I brought this for you," he pulled it out, passing it over to Dean and tried his best to ignore the softness in Dean's eyes. He still couldn't believe that a bar could seriously mean this much to anyone, but apparently it did. To Dean anyway.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Once Ethan was sure the bullies had moved on, back to wherever they hung out at lunch time, he finally managed to walk up and grab his school cooked, insultingly expensive, slop.

By the time he returned, Charlie and Benny had sat down and Ethan could see Jo in the lunch queue. He could only assume where Kevin was, but knowing him he would probably turn up in a minute with some explanation of how he'd been clearing something up with a teacher or another. Dean was smiling and talking to Charlie about something which Ethan couldn't hear, and he couldn't stop the grin from spilling across his face. He didn't know why Dean mattered to him, but he did, and just seeing him looking so happy was all he needed to feel happy himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So....... That happened.....  
> Destiel_Mythos I'm scared of your power.... I wrote this last night.... read your comment this morning... and just went..... Oh... Well that's one worry cleared up surprisingly quickly....
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed my chapter!! If you have time, please leave a comment!!  
> Thanks for reading and I'll see you all soon!!!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!! I'm back again!!!
> 
> Can I just say THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who commented last chapter!! Your comments literally made my week and even now is still fuelling my love for this story. Seriously guys, I love every single one of you so much and I really enjoy hearing your thoughts on my writing.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter!!

Dean looked up in surprise as Charlie and Benny sat down next to and opposite him. He didn't know why he was so surprised - this was their lunch table, he was the one in the wrong place - but nevertheless, it still made him jump and definitely ruined any semblance of cool, calm and collected which he may have been able to hide behind before.

"Hey guys," he chuckled awkwardly, slightly curling into himself as he waited for the backlash of him sitting down without an explicit invite for that lunch session.

"Hey Dean," Charlie said with a smile, opening her packed lunch and apparently not blinking over the fact Dean was sitting there.

"Hi brother," Benny said with a nod. He obviously noticed how uncomfortable Dean was, waiting for something to happen, because he added, "don't worry, we saw what you did for Ethan. You're welcome here."

Dean smiles slightly down at his lap, glancing over at Charlie. When she doesn't say anything to oppose Benny's statement, he opens his mouth and asks, "you still into Star Wars, Red?"

"Of course," Charlie scoffed friendly, not mentioning the use of the old nickname. "What about you? Have you seen sense and realised that Harrison Ford is not the hottest person in existence?"

"What?" a voice asked in confusion as Ethan sat down next to Dean. Dean didn't even try to hide his smile, especially not when Ethan beamed back in response, making Dean's stomach fill with what felt suspiciously like butterflies.

"Charlie wouldn't know a hot guy if he sat right next to her," Dean said with a smirk, earning him a gasp from Charlie and a confused head tilt from Ethan.

"Don't worry about it," Charlie assured, "we've been having this argument since I first realised Dean here has no taste."

Ethan frowned even deeper, turning to look at Benny, clearly realising that neither Charlie nor Dean were planning to give him a proper answer, "what?"

"They are arguing whether Harrison Ford is hot," Benny explained, "I would recommend just ignoring them."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The weeks seemed to pass much quicker when Dean wasn't trying his very best to be an asshole.

The entire thing just felt surreal.

He had friends. Real life friends who were hanging around with him for better reasons than just hating the world.

He spent his free time under a fucking tree, talking and laughing. He ate lunch on the table with a puddle of sunlight and actually had people who cared about him.

Somehow, they had forgiven him, and even accepted him as a proper one of their own.

It took him a couple of weeks, but he even apologised to some of the people he'd bullied, explaining that he was sorry and that he was wrong and even managing to befriend one or two of them, or help them out with issues he'd previously bullied them for. 

It was a weird feeling, reconnecting with reality, but with Ethan's help - with everyone else's help as well - he managed it.

However, there was one thing he still needed to do. He'd been putting it off for a while - for no reason he could figure out - but he couldn't really ignore it for much longer. He didn't know why he was so worried about this, he'd done it a million times, but somehow this was different.

He was a different person now.

He had other people saved to his phone, other people who he called and who he picked up for. He had more than just Gabe now, but that didn’t mean he didn’t still need Gabe. He was just scared that Gabe would decide that this new version of Dean didn’t need his help any more.

  
He was scared Gabe would abandon him now. Leave, just like everyone always does eventually.

With one more deep breath, and possibly a moment where he berated himself for being so worked up over this, he picked up his phone and quickly dialed Gabe's number before he could chicken out.

"Hey Dean, what's up," came Gabe's immediate answer, picking up on the first ring, his voice slightly muffled, probably by another one of the lollies he always seemed to be eating.

"Hey," Dean breathed out, "a lot has happened since we last talked." He knew he should have said more, but he didn't even know where to start. So he just didn't. If Gabe wanted to know more, he would ask for more.

"Oh yeah?" Gabe's voice sounded interested, like he actually wanted to know what had happened in Dean's life. Like he actually cared about Dean, and not like he was just some pity project Gabe had picked up to try and help him after his brother disappeared.

"Do you actually care?" Dean hears himself say. He doesn't know why he's asking now. After all this time, all these years and he's only trying to find out now? But he needs to know, so he doesn't bite the words back, he doesn't tell Gabe not to answer.

There was a moment of silence, Dean knew logically that Gabe was just trying to understand what Dean had actually asked, but he couldn't help but feel like the pause was while he tried to decide whether he should lie or not.

"Of course I care about you Dean," is the eventual response, "why are you asking? If someone is making you feel like shit, just tell me and I'll be there."

"No it's nothing like that," Dean assures, "I just- something happened recently and it made me realise that I've been an asshole. I just can't figure out why you've stuck by me all this time when I've been like that."

"You're not an asshole," Gabe says and he sounds almost angry, but that just makes Dean want to laugh.

"Dude, I was the biggest asshole, but it's okay, I'm not anymore. I just want to know why you stuck around for so long."

"Dean, I've never seen this apparent asshole side of you. All these years, I've seen what I'd like to believe is the real side of you. The side which is just a little bit broken from Cas going, but still hangs around for everyone he cares about."

Dean full on snorted at that, "A little bit broken? Gabe, I think I'm a little bit more than that. It's been eight years for fucks sake," he took a deep breath, "I should be over it by now." He ignored how his voice broke, focusing instead on how wrong the words felt as he said them.

"Should you?" Gabe inquired, seeing through Dean's bullshit like he always had and always would, "because as far as I can tell, you don’t believe that anymore than I do.”

“It’s not that,” Dean said, wrapping the short strands around a finger as he thought, “It’s just, I was a completely different person back then, yet I still refuse to use my magic, I still refuse to move on. Sam keeps saying I should, I can tell that everyone else thinks so too, I just can’t.”

“If you can’t, then there is a reason behind it,” Gabe said ominously, “try figuring what that is before you say you should be over it.”   
  
Dean opened his mouth to ask what the hell Gabe meant with that, but before he could Gabe was speaking again, “I’ve got to go, I’ll talk to you soon, stay safe kid.” There was a click and then all Dean could hear was a buzzing noise. 

Gabe had hung up on him.

Weird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO AGAIN!!!  
> I really hope you enjoyed!!!!  
> If you have time, would you be able to leave a comment, I love hearing from you guys!!  
> I'll see you when I see you, have an amazing week!! And please stay safe!!!  
> 🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤🤍


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! I have chapter!!!  
> Hope you enjoy it!!!

_ He squinted down at his drawing, trying his best to get the proportions right. It had to be perfect. His pencil made a calming scratchy noise as carefully sketched out all the details, the eyes, the nose, everything. He carefully selected all the green coloured pencils he owned, colouring and blending until the colour was right. _

_ Until the colour was perfect. _

_ “What were you drawing?” a high pitched yet familiar voice asked. _

_ He turned around, suddenly feeling like it was vital that he knew who was behind him, but before his eyes could focus his surroundings started melting away, maroon sparks chasing the image away before he could see anything more than a pair of eyes. _

_ A pair of eyes which felt like both the eyes of a stranger, yet also achingly familiar. _

_ He tried to think - to remember where he knew them from - but before he could the sparks were back and the eyes were gone. _

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ethan woke up slowly, stretching the sleep out of his muscles as he tried to remember if he had the time to stay in bed. His parents were getting home that evening, but that wasn’t exactly a reason to get up punctually. His parents came and went so often that Ethan probably saw more notes telling him that they’d left, then he saw them.

It was just how it was and he barely even noticed any more.

He rolled over, figuring out that he wasn’t going to be able to get back to sleep now, he’d been thinking too much for that, so he might as well grab his phone. He could waste some time on there until hunger forced him up.

He had a couple of notifications - including a text from his mum, confirming that she would be back at about 8 and that his dad shouldn’t be too much later. He ignored most of them, he was still too half asleep to see what people wanted, however he opened Dean’s text, trying to ignore the warmth his stomach had filled with when he saw Dean’s name in his notifications.

Dean :) : Morning Ethan.

Ethan didn’t even try to bite back his smile, he was alone after all. There was no one to judge him, nor look too closely at the friendly feelings he felt towards Dean. Other than himself of course, but he was very carefully avoiding all of that stuff, so there wasn’t anyone who would choose to look too closely.

He quickly typed out a response, deciding that a simple good morning was the right way to go about this.

Me : Good Morning Dean.

He put his phone back down, curling up in his duvet and ready to wait the couple of minutes it would probably take for Dean to respond. That expectation is what caused him to startle when his phone buzzed, only about ten seconds later.

It wasn’t exactly a creepy fast reply time, not if Dean had already been on his phone, but Ethan hadn’t been expecting it so had still been surprised. He opened the text slowly, not quite sure what he expected to see, but also not sure what he expected to not see.

Dean :) : Hey!

Dean :) : U got any plans fr today?

Ethan blinks, slightly surprised. He hadn’t really expected anything, but this was definitely the complete opposite of whatever he hadn’t expected. You didn’t ask anyone what their plans were unless you planned to make plans. Did you? Or was this small talk? All of this would be so much simpler if Ethan could remember how to function, unfortunately something about Dean was managing to break him.

His thumbs hovered over the keyboard, wondering what he should reply. Should he tell the truth? Should he say something basic and then move on? Did Dean actually care? Why was he getting so worked up over this? What was going on?

He took a deep breath, trying to force himself to jump back out of that strange spiral and actually write an answer out.

Me : No plans.

Me : My parents get home tonight so I’ll probably make the most of my freedom today.

He stared down at the messages. Was that too much information? Was that the correct answer? Why on Earth was he panicking again? Why did he care about this so much?

His phone buzzed, dragging his attention back down to it. Dean had replied again.

Dean :) : Cool

Dean :) : You must be excited.

Ethan smiled at that. It wasn’t exactly true or anything, it just seemed like such a normal thing to assume. If someone’s parents were returning, they were glad. Apparently Ethan’s life was anything but normal.

Dean :) : Anyway

Dean :) : So u’re free most of today?

Ethan stared down in shock, could that really mean what he thought it meant? You don’t ask twice unless you actually care. You don’t ask twice unless you’re planning to do something with that information.

Me : Yeah, Why?

He tried to get his brain in order, there was no way that this meant anything. Dean wanted to know what plans he had, so what, it didn’t mean anything. It couldn’t mean what he wanted it to mean, his life wasn’t like that.

Dean :) : Wanted to kno if u were free.

Dean :) : Now that I kno u are

Dean :) : Do you want to come to mine?

Maybe his life really was like that?

Without even thinking about what his answer should be, Ethan found his thumbs pressing send on a message.

Me : Sure.

Me : Send your address and I’ll come over later today.

Almost instantly, his phone buzzed with a message, implying that Dean had been waiting for his answer. And maybe he was, Ethan's brain didn't need to overthink it all. Maybe Dean just needed to know before he started making plans. It wasn't like Dean waiting for his answer meant anything.

He just wished his brain would agree.

Dean :) : 12 work 4 u?

Ethan smiled, unsure exactly how he ended up in this situation but happy enough about it. This was strangely perfect, and he really didn’t want to look into why it felt this awesome.

Me : Yes, that works.

Dean :) : Gr8 c u then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!!  
> I feel like I don't say this enough, but I love you all so much!! You are all amazing human beings!!!!  
> Next chapter shouldn't be too long, we'll see...
> 
> Hope you have a good week!!!!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have chapter!!  
> I hope you like it!!!

Dean winced as he sat up in bed. His eyes itched and he already had a headache. He'd barely been fully awake for ten minutes and he already wished he could go straight back to sleep. He could see that the plants in his room were practically bursting with health and the odd green spark still hung in the air from Dean shocking awake.

His nightmare had been back, worse than normal. The starting bit - the part which made the whole thing worth it - had rushed by, a flash of pictures and feelings. Within seconds he had arrived at the hellish bit. Cas was gone and it was all Dean's fault. And then, as if his brain decided the memory wasn't bad enough - as if it was punishing him for something - it got worse.

Hell opened up underneath him, demons circling and screeching; laughing about how he wasn't good enough. All of this was his fault. Cas was his fault. His family were there, his mum was burning, his dad being tortured, Sam wasn't Sam - he seemed to be Satan, but the dream moved on too quickly for Dean to be certain.

Even though he'd managed to get more than his usual four hours, he felt like he hadn't slept for weeks, but he knew his brain wouldn't rest any longer so he just laid in bed, trying not to let his thoughts drift too far before giving up and grabbing his phone. 

Without even noticing it, he ended up on his conversation with Ethan, a good morning text sent before he even realised he was typing anything. Dean sighed, because of course he just accidently texted Ethan. It was almost like his mind was trying to tell him something. Something he didn't want to hear.

Because if he started listening to his head, he would actually have to figure out if it was true. And if it was true? It just couldn't be. He couldn't let it.

He quickly dragged himself out of his bed, figuring that everything would be easier if he could just distract himself from his traitorous mind.

The next ten minutes were spent checking on and watering every single one of the plants in his room. It was a useless task, Dean's nightly busts of magic was enough to keep his plants healthy - with no need for water or sunlight - for as long as he slept in that room. Not that he was that awful of a plant owner, his plants were all in their preferred level of light and he still watered them from time to time, just so that they weren't completely dependent on him. He knew what it was like - to be dependent on someone - and when they didn't return, he ended up here. He wasn't going to do that to his plants.

And how fucked up was Dean's brain? He was getting emotional over plants! Plants! How the fuck did he ever convince anyone that he was a tough, emotionless asshole?

Once Dean ran out of plants to check, he had nothing left to do but get breakfast. The very thought of it made him feel a bit sick - nightmares will do that to you - but he had done this enough times to know that if he could get himself to eat some food, he would start to feel better.

He walked down the stairs, pressing the back of his hand against his forehead every couple of steps to try and cool his head down. It didn't do much, but it was always worth a try.

The kitchen wasn't empty - like he'd hoped it would be - instead Sam was sitting at the table, a bowl of cornflakes in front of him and a face of wonder which quickly shifted into what Dean thought was a fake scowl. It was hard to tell but Dean couldn't think of anything he'd done wrong. Not recently anyway.

"Your powers are getting stronger," Sam muttered, turning in his chair to face Dean and looking every part the disapproving younger brother. Dean was still fairly sure Sam was just messing with him, not actually mad, but that percentage was going down every second.

"What?" he asked, sending Sam a confused glance and trying to keep up his unruffled facade.

Sam didn't say anything more. He just pointed towards the windowsill where Mary kept a few of her house plants. Every single one of them were vibrant green and in full bloom, the sight of them pulling a gasp out of Dean's mouth.

Sam's poker face dropped, leaving him grinning like an idiot, clearly pleased for his brother and probably assuming that this meant that Dean was finally moving on, finally using his magic by choice.

Dean was not pleased.

He hadn't been practising, he wasn't even trying to get stronger, yet here was the living - and blooming - proof that he was. Normally, or what used to be his normal anyway, his magic couldn't reach beyond his room, the radius of his spells too small to affect any of the other plants in the house.

Apparently that had changed now.

Mix this new strength with Dean's especially awful nightmare, and he was getting an uneasy feeling. Nothing was wrong, but it didn't feel right either. Something had happened to cause this, and if it was the same reason his nightmares got worse, than Dean was fucked.

His phone buzzed, reminding him of the text he had sent to Ethan. He wondered - only momentarily - whether ignoring it would be best. Ignoring Ethan and carrying on how he'd been acting before, not giving himself time to find out whether his suspicion was correct, if he really was betraying Cas like he was starting to suspect.

He didn't know why he asked Ethan if he wanted to come over, something about the settled feeling that even talking to him brought. The kind of settled that only Cas had ever given him before.

The kind of settled he didn't want to feel any more.

Not unless Cas was the one causing it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!!  
> Kudos and comments warm my soul and encourage me to write more!!!  
> Stay safe until I see you next!!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!! I have!! A new!! Chapter!!  
> I feel like I don't say this enough, but thank you to all of you lot, the readers!! You are the reason this fic is being written!!  
> I hope you enjoy it!!

The address which Dean had sent Ethan was for a house just on the edge of town. It wasn't massive - but it wasn't small either - and just from the outside Ethan could tell that it was homely and welcoming. The garden was filled with plants which all appeared to be in full bloom.

Normally Ethan would be happy to see such a beautiful garden, but at least half the flowers were out of season and when he remembered that this was Dean's house - it just implied something was wrong. Dean didn't use his magic so for the plants here to be so healthy, he must have been extremely emotional.

Shaking his worries off - with some difficulty, his worry just didn’t want to go - Ethan walked up to the door and knocked, rocking back on his heels while he waited for a response. He figured that Dean was probably fine now - he wouldn't have invited Ethan over if he wasn't. Despite how certain of that Ethan was, he still felt off, still felt like there was something he was missing.

The door opening broke Ethan's thought train, dragging him back to the present. Dean was standing in the door, his eyes bright with what Ethan hoped was joy, but couldn't help but feel was probably deeper than that.

And possibly darker than that.

"Hello Dean," Ethan said with a smile, hoping that acting like he hadn't been staring at Dean's eyes for a worryingly long amount of time, would make Dean not realise that he had.

"Heya Ethan," Dean replied with a smile, stepping back and allowing Ethan to step into the house.

"So," Ethan started awkwardly, not quite sure what to do now that he'd arrived, "what do you want to do?" He realised suddenly that he had agreed to go to Dean's house without even knowing what they would do. Without there even being a plan of what to do. He was invited, he just said yes.

Dean looked slightly shocked for a moment, as though he hadn't even thought of that himself, before he said, "we could watch a movie?" It was the most obvious choice of what to do ever, but Ethan found himself smiling. Movies were fun, even more fun with someone else, and he was always happy to watch something.

"Sure, that sounds good," Ethan replied, wincing at his awkward word choice. Yeah, he was feeling awkward. Who could blame him? This was an awkward situation.

Dean smiled and walked further into the house clearly assuming that Ethan would just follow him. As it was, Ethan was in Dean's house and had no idea where anything was, so he did follow Dean through the kitchen and to what Ethan guessed was the living room. Dean waved him to the TV, saying "I'm assuming you know how Netflix works, put a film on and I'll grab some snacks."

Ethan scrolled through Netflix for a minute, eventually settling on the first Star Wars film. Dean wasn't back yet so he settled back onto one of the sofas, pulling out his phone to keep himself entertained until Dean returned. Underneath the mild awkwardness there was a lovely feeling of familiarity and for some unknown reason - which Ethan was  _ not  _ going to look into - he was very happy with the plans to just sit and watch a film. Normally he got bored halfway through films when he watched them alone and for a moment he wondered whether this would be like that. Dean might be the most boring person in the world, but Ethan got the very clear feeling that he was anything but boring.

"Alright," Dean's loud voice broke through his thoughts as the other boy walked into the room and dropped his spoils on the table, "I've got popcorn, I've got m&ms, I've got skittles. Everything you could ever want."

Ethan smirked, "What if I want anything other than popcorn, m&ms or skittles?"

"Smartass. That is not the point," Dean said, dropping dramatically onto the sofa, he looked like he was planning to say more, but cut himself off when he saw the screen, "Oooh, Star Wars!"

"yep," Ethan laughed, "I hope you don't mind because you don't get a choice."

Dean laughed loudly in response, gazing at Ethan with something in his eye which Ethan couldn't - and wasn’t sure he wanted to - name.

"What?" Ethan asked, crossing his arms over his chest and trying to look stern, even while his laughs broke the facade.

"You're just different right now," was all Dean said.

Ethan squinted slightly, unsure what that could mean, "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"It's a good thing."

The two boys fell silent then, starting the film up and watching that instead. Ethan spent a minute or two trying to figure out what Dean could have possibly meant by that, but he quickly decided to ignore it, focusing instead on the film.

Just as Ethan had expected, Dean was far from boring. They had been silent for a bit, but practically before the opening exposition was over, Dean had broken the silence with a comment or other about pretty much anything. He talked about the CGI, the plot, the characters. Anything there was to talk about, he did. It sounded annoying, but somehow when it was Dean, it wasn’t. Dean was so enthusiastic about everything he mentioned - he clearly loved films, Ethan wondered if it was something he was thinking of doing as a future career, or if it was just a passion - and his enthusiasm was catching. For the first time ever, Ethan found himself noticing the small details. Things he would have never noticed if Dean hadn’t pointed them out.

And just like that, Ethan found himself stumbling a little bit deeper into the pit which he refused to name. If he named it, he would have to accept the fact that it existed, and he couldn’t do that. Not when he knew it had no hope of ever going anywhere. This rabbit hole was a one way - try it out and you will be hurt - kind of a situation, and Ethan wasn’t stupid enough to think that he was special enough to be able to go in, and not get swallowed alive.

Not that he seemed to have much choice about whether he was going in or not.

The simple things were dragging him down, down the path of no return, towards his doom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was fluffy wasn't it............. Don't get too used to it.......
> 
> ANYWAY!!!
> 
> I'll see you soon I hope!! Stay safe!! And hope you have a good life until I next see you!!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sup!! I'm back!! Things are.... happening....
> 
> All mistakes are mine. Hope you enjoy!!!

By the time the movie ended, Dean was confused. So confused. He never thought that a movie could make him feel so… relaxed. Normally he watched a movie, he enjoyed it, he moved on with his life. For some reason, watching it with Ethan changed things. It was the best movie experience he had ever had and although he was definitely feeling relaxed, he also felt happy and really content. There was something else there as well, safe? Was that what he was feeling?

Yeah, safe. From watching a movie, he knew it was stupid, but for some reason, sitting on a sofa, next to Ethan, eating snacks as they watched a film Dean's watched a million times, he felt safe. Like every bad thing in his life couldn't touch him, as long as he stayed inside this bubble of safety.

His magic was buzzing happily under his skin - the traitor - not shutting up no matter how many internal walls Dean tried to put up. It was like just being nearby Ethan was enough to send it into overdrive and it was just his magic doing all this, he didn't care either way, it was just his stupid magic, acting on its own accord, didn't have anything to do with Dean. His magic was not doing anything at this point, but he was fairly sure that if Ethan so much as complimented him every plant within a mile radius would suddenly bloom into rainbows.

Because apparently that's something he wants now. He wants Ethan to compliment him. What's next? Is he going to start forgetting Cas and replacing all his memories with Ethan?

Because that, right there, was his problem.

He was scared.

He was scared to move on.

He was scared to forget.

He was scared that if he did this, all chances of Cas returning would be shot to hell.

He knew it was pointless, but he had been holding onto the hope since he was a child that if he just waited long enough, Cas would come back. Apparently time didn't change that. He had put all his hope behind that fact and now he was even thinking of changing things, his mind was screaming that he couldn't. He couldn't give up because if he did Cas would be gone forever and he would have failed. He would have failed Cas, his best friend, his more than that.

"That was fun," Ethan said, breaking the silence, his words paired with one of his blinding smiles which just seemed to make all of Dean's troubles worse, even as they made the entire world bright up.

And yes, he did realise how fucked he was, he was just hoping that if he ignored it long enough, it would go away.

"Yeah," Dean replies, "what do you want to do now? I could put some frozen pizzas in, or we could just go to my room and chat?" It was only after he said it that he realised how that could sound, so he quickly added, "or stay down here and chat, I don't mind."

Ethan seemed to find his panic endearing, or at least entertaining, because he smiled before saying, "I'm happy to have pizza, and go up to your room and chat."

Dean smiled, happy to see that Ethan didn't think he was some kind of creep, or anything like that. "Perfect," he said.

Together they walked into the kitchen to put the pizzas on. Dean had to chase Ethan into a chair with a tea towel and a glare when he tried to help. He explained that guests didn't put the pizza in multiple times, but when that didn't work he ended up resorting to shooing.

"Alright," he said, closing the oven, "we have half an hour until that's done, you want to go to my room while we wait?"

“Sure,” Ethan agreed and damn it, why did the guy have to be so cute? He couldn’t even agree to go to Dean’s room without him having to do all he could not to swoon.

Not that Dean Winchester swooned.

He didn’t.

It was just… his magic, getting excited and making him lightheaded….. That’s all.

Dean hurried to his room, somehow thinking that if he went fast enough he could out run his problems and  _ maybe  _ that would have worked, if Dean hadn’t been quick walking and really not going all that fast. Yeah, he had no chance to escape it, but that hadn’t stopped him yet and it wouldn’t in the future.

“Here we are,” he said, opening the door to his room and internally wincing at the amount of plants everywhere, yeah, ‘cause that would show Ethan how mentally stable and in control he was.

“Nice plants,” Ethan said, going over to stroke the leaves of one of the bigger ones. Dean was about to scream - Ethan thought he was crazy and was making fun of him - when it registered in his mind. Ethan didn’t sound teasing, he sounded like he genuinely liked Dean’s plants. Like he honestly thought it was cool. And wow, if Dean hadn’t already been way too deep to escape the-feelings-which-should-never-be-named, then that would have done it.

Dean quietly watched as Ethan walked around his room, stroking the leaves of all his plants and talking to each one - because apparently he was one of  _ those  _ people, the kind who were nice and polite to everyone and everything. Dean was almost zoned out when Ethan’s quiet gasp made his eyes dart to where Ethan was, or more importantly, what he was holding.

“Dean! These are beautiful! Did you draw them?” Ethan said, each word turning Dean’s blood that bit closer to ice, as cold dread flew through him. He was an idiot, how had he forgotten to put Cas’ sketchbook away! He’d grabbed it out earlier, while waiting for Ethan to arrive in actual fact, to remind him why he couldn’t be doing this, why he couldn't be  _ feeling  _ this.

"No, I didn't," Dean said quietly, gently pulling the book from Ethan's grip - being very careful not to do anything that could damage it - and slowly flicking through it, feeling tears gathering as he looked at the pictures, as familiar to him as his room or his mum's apple pie. He found himself on the page he always found himself, the half finished drawing of him, his tongue stuck out in concentration as he glared at the cat. He didn't remember what happened to the cat, he probably still had it somewhere, it wasn't all that good but he probably kept it for the memories.

He heard a quiet gasp from behind him, Ethan clearly able to see the drawing from over his shoulder. "I don't own it," he whispers, "this book isn't mine, but this picture definitely isn't. I promised."

He breathed in deeply, trying to fight off the tears which ignored his efforts and fell down his face.

"I promised not to take it until it was done," Dean whispered, "and it isn't done yet."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you believe me if I told you that this isn't as bad as it's going to get? Because yeah... things are really going to start picking up plot - and angst - wise in the next few chapters... I don't know how long next chapter will take, let's all just hope plot block and other WIPs don't get in the way and I manage to write quickly!! 😂😂😂
> 
> I'll see you all soon I hope!! Comments always make my week!! Stay safe!!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! Look at that!! I'm back!! I have a chapter for you!!  
> Thank you SO MUCH to the people who commented on the last chapter!! They encouraged me so much!!  
> I hope you all enjoy this chapter!!

Dean’s words echoed around the room, his voice shaking and low, but Ethan didn’t even hear them. His eyes were glued on the drawing Dean was still holding. He paid attention to the lines, the colours, the shading. Everything about it was familiar in a barely there way, like impossible déjà vu.

Ethan could have sworn he had seen it before, recognising it somewhere in the back of his mind, hazy like an old dream, but he knew he couldn’t have. That was a drawing, drawn at least eight years ago by Dean’s friend before he went missing. It wasn’t likely to have been in any of the papers and it was clear from the way Dean was holding it that it never left his room. There was no chance he had ever seen it in his life, even if his head claimed otherwise.

For a moment he allowed his mind to wonder, maybe  _ before, _ back before the accident, in the times he couldn’t remember. Maybe he had seen it then? But if his family were to be believed he was on the exact opposite side of America back then.

If his parents were to be believed…

He was dragged out of his thoughts by Dean’s ragged breathing, reminding him that his friend was sobbing right next to him. Dean was more important than why he recognised a drawing. Déjà vu was a thing which existed, it was always impossible and never made sense. Nothing more, nothing less.

Shaking his head clear, Ethan walked forwards, lightly laying his land on Dean’s shoulder. He felt his magic jump, an odd spark spreading through his arm but that wasn’t important. Dean was important, not theories or conspiracies. Silly made up stories meant nothing in comparison to the living, breathing, crying, friend in front of him.

“Hey,” he said gently, squeezing Dean’s shoulder, “It’s okay, just breathe. I’m sorry for looking at it. Do you want to put it away? Our pizza will be ready soon,” and on and on, he muttered meaningless words until Dean’s breathing evened out and he managed to get himself back under control. Ethan did his best not to hover while Dean wrapped the sketchbook back up and carefully - almost reverently - placed it back in his drawer, even though he was slightly worried that Dean would crumble once more. He managed to compromise, standing near enough to catch him, but far enough away for Dean - in his still slightly teary state - to not notice his hovering.

The timer sounded from downstairs, so Ethan dutifully followed Dean down the stairs to grab pizza, purposely looking at the pictures on the walls instead of Dean, while Dean wiped his eyes and finished composing himself.

By the time they made it to the kitchen Dean had managed to sort himself out and looked back to normal, as though nothing had ever happened. For some reason, seeing Dean back to normal with no more hurt written clearly across his every move, calmed Ethan, an ache under his ribs he hadn’t even been aware of at the time, slowly seeping away.

Dean pulled the pizzas out the oven, the pleasing aroma of melted cheese, bread and meat seeping through the kitchen. Ethan couldn’t tell whether it smelled nice because he was hungry, or because it was nice pizza, but he didn’t really care. Pizza was pizza, food was food.

Without saying anything, Dean passed him a plate of pizza, taking the other plate for himself, and leading the way back to his room. Ethan took a moment to worry about Dean’s silence, before shaking his head. If Dean wanted to talk, he would, if he didn’t want to talk, then then was fine too.

“Why are you doing this?” Dean asks nearly ten minutes later, breaking through the silence Ethan had allowed to fall over the room.

Ethan chewed his slice of pizza for a moment, not one of those people who talk with their mouths full when he can help it, before asking, “Doing what?”

“This?” Dean answered with a wave of his hand between them, “Why haven’t you left? Why aren’t you trying to fill the silence? Why are you acting like I’m fucking normal?” Dean’s voice got louder and louder as he spoke, and by the end he was almost shouting, his voice trembling and filled with self loathing, as though he thought everything bad which had ever happened to him was his fault.

“You’re not normal,” Ethan agreed calmly, “but what even is normal? I’m not normal, no one I know is ‘Normal’,” he added in air quotes, happy to see that Dean seemed to calm slightly as he talked, “and do you want me to leave? Do you want me to awkwardly fill the silence and witter on? Do you want me to act any different?”

“Well no,” Dean said, floundering as though he knew what he wanted to say but couldn’t find the words to say it.

“Then why does it matter?” Ethan interrupted, “This is how I am, you aren’t bothered by it, who cares about the why?”

Dean appeared to freeze for a moment, probably going through all the reasons it mattered in his head, before giving up and just nodding. “I guess,” he said quietly, “I still don’t understand you, but I guess it doesn’t matter.”

Ethan smiled brightly, “Exactly,” he said. The word was barely out into the world when Dean was suddenly there, only an inch away from Ethan, his eyes bright with something Ethan couldn’t name. Ethan could feel his breath on his lips and he wasn’t even aware of who moved first, but suddenly their lips were pressed together in a chaste kiss and it felt like every single firework in the world was going off in Ethan’s stomach. Dean’s lips were warm and soft, the bottom one slightly chapped, probably from Dean biting it. Their noses kept getting stuck together, the kiss was inexperienced but as far as kisses went, Ethan had never had better.

After an immeasurable amount of time they both pulled back, their breathing was shallow and quick, both of them clearly equally affected by it. Everything was perfect until…

Until Dean’s face completely shut down, a quiet “no,” escaping his lips as he stared in what looked like horror at Ethan.

Ethan quickly brushed off his own feelings, shuffling a few inches back so that he was no longer quite as close to Dean as before. He instantly missed Dean’s warmth, but he ignored it. That may have been the best kiss he had ever had, but Dean clearly counted it as a mistake, so that was what it was. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, the pain in Dean’s gaze enough to make him immediately regret it. “I’ll go,” he said.

He wasn’t surprised that Dean didn’t try to call him back, but it still hurt, somewhere under his ribs.

It still hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry...


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS!! Seriously!! The response I got to last chapter was just !! Wow!! I was not expecting that!!  
> Your comments fuelled me to put you out of your misery and write you the next chapter!! Which... will.... definitely... help.... cheer... you... up..... Yeah....  
> ENJOY!!
> 
> OH WAIT!!  
> Quick Trigger Warning!!  
> There is a mention of death/suicide. Not bad or anything... But if that's something that triggers you, then just be warned. It's only the first and last lines and it's more of Dean thinking he wants to die, but yeah. Just a warning!!

Dean watched Ethan walk away with tears in his eyes. He couldn’t even figure out why he was crying. He didn’t deserve to cry, he had made his bed, now he just needed to chase everyone away so he could die in it.

Why had he done that? Why did he just kiss Ethan?

He couldn’t even tell what he was most disgusted about. The fact he did it in the first place, or the fact he had enjoyed it! What happened to waiting for Cas? What happened to loyalty? What happened to his self respect? One nice kid with pretty eyes and an amazing personality and suddenly Dean was breaking every promise he ever made, changing his entire life and ruining everything he’d ever managed.

The only thing he knew for certain, was that he didn’t blame Ethan. He wanted to, he really did, if he could just blame Ethan then it wouldn’t be his fault and he wouldn’t have just betrayed Cas and everything would be okay; but he couldn’t. Ethan didn’t do anything wrong. None of this was Ethan’s fault and no matter how hard he tried, he knew he couldn’t physically blame the guy.

It was Dean’s fault.

He chose this.

He decided to do this.

Ethan just got caught in the middle of it. 

And sure, Dean would say he actually honestly liked the guy, he was cute, kind and he seemed to see something in Dean that no one else saw. He seemed to think that even after everything Dean had done, he was still good. And for a moment there, Dean had actually believed him. He had actually believed that he could me that guy Ethan saw. He realised now that had all been wishful thinking. This was who he was. He wasn’t a nice guy and no matter how much he liked Ethan, it was nothing compared with how he liked Cas.

Nothing.

No matter what some stupid feelings said, they were all wrong anyway. When had Dean ever trusted his feelings? Definitely never since Cas had gone and he wasn’t planning on changing that any time soon.

He was simply trying to fill an ache in his chest, the void left behind when Cas left, and Ethan’s eyes were enough for him. Ethan was enough for him to think for a minute that he could fill it, but now he realised he couldn’t. Cas was his one and only, even thinking about another was a betrayal and if he betrayed Cas he would never come back and then-

Dean couldn’t breathe. He’d started panicking, he realised that now. That explained why his thoughts were acting like this, like wisps of wind which he couldn’t quite hold onto. Not that it was like he deserved to be able to breathe. He kissed Ethan. He betrayed Cas.

He, he, he-

His phone was ringing, that’s what the noise was. It wasn’t white noise, nor his ears ringing with the force of his betrayal. It wasn’t him suddenly starting to hallucinate. His phone was ringing.

He grabbed it, checking the caller ID and saw through his blurry vision that it was Gabriel. He picked up the call without even thinking, not even realising that Gabe would notice something was wrong until he heard Gabe’s worried voice ask him, “Are you okay?”

He didn’t respond, just listened to Gabe’s voice as the same words danced through his head again and again, he betrayed Cas, he kissed Ethan.

He enjoyed it.

“Dean? Dean! Answer me or I’ll call Mary and get her to check on you!”

Dean shook some of the fog out of his mind, his breathing was still uneven but it was enough to be able to answer a quick snap of, “I’m here, what do you want?”   
  
Gabe didn’t react to Dean snapping at all, instead he just asked “What’s happened?”

Dean didn’t answer again, his mind spinning around and around.

He betrayed Cas, he kissed Ethan, he enjoyed it, he betrayed Cas he kissed Ethan he enjoyed it, hebetrayedCashekissedEthanheenjoyedit.

“Dean!” Gabriel yelled down the phone, breaking the train of thought before Dean could go any further down that rabbit hole, “What happened?”

“I kissed Ethan,” Dean accidentally burst out. He listened to the silence on the other end of the phone, biting his lip and waiting for Gabe to start yelling.

Gabe didn't start yelling. All he gave in response was a calm, “who’s Ethan?”

Dean tried to hold back his words, he really did, but a dam had been broken and they all came gushing out, “He’ a boy in my year and he sits next to me in Chemistry and he actually seems to think I’m worth something and I kissed him and he kissed me back.”

“So why’s it a problem?” Gabe asked quietly, “it’s not like this guy punched you or anything, surely him kissing you back is a good thing?”

“It’s not a good thing,” Dean hissed back, his tone full of ice directed at himself, “I betrayed Cas, I liked kissing Ethan,” he took a deep breath, tears streaming down his face and cutting off his words. He breathed for a moment, one thought spinning around his mind and escaping his mouth in a whisper, “I betrayed Cas.”

“Dean,” Gabe said quietly, “You didn’t betray Cas. He would want you to be happy and if Ethan makes you happy, then that’s great.”

Dean frowned, Gabe had a point that Cas would want Dean to be happy and sure, Ethan made him happy, but not as happy as Cas would. He loved Cas, he would never love another, even if Cas wouldn’t mind it.

Without another word, Dean pulled the phone away from his ear and hung up, putting it back on the side and curling up on his bed, not even trying to stop the tears from continuing to fall.

He heard his phone vibrate a few more times, Gabe clearly trying to call him and get him to talk about his feelings or some shit, but he ignored it. He didn’t want to talk to Gabe, he wanted to curl up and think about how much of an asshole he was.

Without fully thinking it through he decided that he knew what he needed to do. He needed to avoid Ethan. He needed to go back to how he was before. Maybe not a bully, but not the nice guy he tried to pretend to be. He had never betrayed Cas before, but a few weeks of changing and here he was, everything he had ever wanted to be at the cost of the one thing he never wanted to do.

It wasn’t worth it.

It would be easy enough to fix. He could start spending lunch alone, go back to turning down movie nights, ignore everyone. He couldn’t go back to being a bully but he didn’t have to be  _ this _ either. He could easily chase everyone away, go back to being alone, like he deserved.

He had made his bed, now he just wanted to die in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huh.... Did that help?? Is that better......


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI!! I have a chapter for you!! Isn't that exciting!!!   
> I have no idea what I'm doing here....  
> Chapter, take it, enjoy!! Hope you're having a good weekend... Yeah,,,, I'll just let you go read.

Ethan could honestly say that it had been the worst week of his life.

A week had passed since he had kissed Dean. A week had passed since Dean pulled back. A week had passed since he had left. A week. One little tiny week.

Who knew how much could change in a week.

He had gone in on Monday morning ready to forget the kiss ever happened and move on with his life. Go back to being simply friends with Dean and absolutely nothing more. It was clear that Dean didn’t want to be anything more and Ethan was quite happy to respect that, even if his heart apparently refused to agree with him. It didn’t matter, he could easily ignore his heart and he would have done it happily. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, he didn’t even need to pretend.

Dean was nowhere to be seen.

He didn’t go to the tree before school started, he didn’t meet up with them at break or pass Ethan in any of the corridors. After getting used to seeing Dean constantly, the sudden shift was jarring and left Ethan seeking his friend around every corner. He even checked whether Dean was with the bullies - very carefully so that they didn’t see him and try to get him while no one else was around - but he wasn’t there either.

Ethan wondered whether Dean just didn’t turn up to school, but he knew it was unlikely. He hadn’t texted any of their group saying he wouldn’t be in, and Ethan got the feeling that Dean didn’t skip school often. From what Ethan could tell, even when he was a bully, Dean would come to school every day. He wouldn’t try, but he would be there.

Which left the final option, Dean must have been avoiding Ethan. The school was big, but Ethan had noticed they often passed in the corridors when going to their respective lessons, yet he didn’t see Dean once. He didn’t meet up with them at the start of school, he didn’t meet up with any of them at any other time. Only Ethan had seen him since Friday and only Ethan had kissed him.

  
One stupid kiss and Dean was avoiding him.

It was awesome, but not worth it. Nothing would ever be worth losing Dean.

Ethan walked as quickly as he could to Chemistry, desperate to see Dean and ask what was wrong. He waited with bated breath for Dean to turn up. Not disappointed as Dean walked into the room moments before the bell rang.

Ethan didn’t say anything, just looked at Dean with what he hoped was a questioning face.

Dean didn’t react. He just turned away and sat down.

Ethan spent the entire lesson trying to get Dean’s attention, but he just ignored him. To Ethan’s great annoyance, Mrs Grey didn’t even try to get them to pair up for worksheets, so Ethan couldn’t even talk to Dean then.

As soon as the lesson was over, Dean was out the door before Ethan could talk to him.

That pattern continued for a couple of weeks, Ethan getting more and more desperate each time Dean managed to brush him off. Even when they had to work together in Chemistry, Dean still managed to ignore Ethan and avoid doing anything but the odd murmured answer when Ethan couldn’t figure it out.

It all changed one day, when Ethan was sitting in art. He wasn’t exactly sure what he was drawing, he was just letting his pencil and subconscious lead him. His drawing appeared to be turning into a young boy, a slightly familiar boy, though Ethan couldn’t figure out why from the few base outlines he had drawn. The drawing seemed to be of a park, the boy was eating an ice cream and despite the early stage, Ethan already knew exactly what he wanted it to look like.

The bell ringing forced him to stop and pack up, and it was as he was putting his pencil case in his bag that he saw Dean walking across the field and towards the mound. The mound was literally just a lump in the field and in the summer it was often crawling with people sunbathing. As it was, it was a cloudy day and Dean was the only one heading to that side of the field.

Mind made up, Ethan packed the rest of his things away and hurried away. He could miss lunch this one time, as long as he got answers. That was all he wanted. Once he had them, then he could figure out where to go next. If it was his fault, he would fix it. If it was all Dean, he would try to help.

The short walk to the field was made even shorter by Ethan’s nervous energy which he channeled into quick walking. He could see Dean laying on the mound, his eyes closed and earphones in his ears. He wouldn’t see Ethan coming, he wouldn’t hear it either. Ethan had the complete element of surprise and Dean had nowhere to run.

“Dean,” he said loudly as soon as he was standing next to Dean, his shadow blocking the light and causing Dean to open his eyes in confusion.

“Ca-” Dean started to say before he suddenly stopped himself, biting back whatever he had been saying and shaking what Ethan was fairly sure was at least part sleep away from his brain. He squinted up at Ethan for another moment before he tried again, “Ethan?”

“Yes,” Ethan said, dropping down to sit next to Dean, but grabbing the other boy’s sleeve so he couldn’t just run away. “We need to talk.”

Dean visibly swallowed, clearly aware that he couldn’t escape this, but no happier about it even with that information.

“What about?” he asked, making Ethan roll his eyes. His innocent act wasn’t fooling Ethan at all.

“About that Saturday.” They both knew exactly which Saturday Ethan was talking about, it was the one which caused all this after all.

“Right, of course we do,” Dean sighed, sitting up a bit more, but making no move to stand up. He shook his arm, so that Ethan’s hold was jostled a bit, but he didn't let go. “Is the hold needed? I’m not going to run.”

“Yes it is needed,” Ethan replied tensely, “I don’t trust you not to run away, no matter what you say.”

Dean clearly winced, but he didn't try to snatch his sleeve back, allowing Ethan to keep hold of it. He relaxed slightly, seeing that Dean wasn’t going to try to fight him over this talk.

He took a deep breath, Dean wasn’t going to start this, so he had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!! Well.... I never left... But you had to read... So... Moving on!!  
> Yes I am going insane, how could you tell?  
> Sorry, the reason I'm down here is to tell you that should things go okay with editing and life, I should have another chapter for you tomorrow or maybe the day after. Unfortunately, It might be a hot minute (Depending on how things go) before the chapter after that is written due to lack of plan, and getting to the complicated bit. IDK it may be fine, we'll see. I just thought I should warn you while I remembered to.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PEOPLE!! THIS IS EXCITING!! I have posted something every single day this week, including a fair few of chapter of this.  
> I'm sorry, I'm just proud of myself and decided to tell you for some reason....  
> I don't think I have anything else to say..... Yeah I think I'll just let you read.

“Why have you been avoiding me?” Ethan asked, his hand tightening on Dean’s sleeve unconsciously and his voice filled with an entire week of hurt.

Dean felt his heart squeeze in response, hating himself for causing his friend so much pain. It wasn’t Ethan’s fault, but that didn’t mean Dean was just going to go running back to him. It wasn’t Ethan's fault, but fault didn’t change anything, Dean still had to do this.

“I haven’t,” Dean lied. He knew that Ethan wouldn’t take it as an answer - he hadn’t met Ethan yesterday or anything, that guy was stubborn - but it was always worth a try.

"Yes you have. That isn't up for debate, what I'm asking is why."

Dean winced, Ethan sounded angry and despite that being what Dean wanted, it still hurt to hear. He cared more about Ethan than he had ever planned to, more than he had ever expected was possible anymore.

"I had to," Dean answered cryptically, refusing to give a straight answer unless it was being ripped out of him. Being difficult was an easy way to get people to leave him alone, and that's all he needed. It would hurt, but in the long run it would be so much better for everyone involved.

"You had to," Ethan parroted back, his tone showing how annoyed and borderline angry he was. "You had to avoid me. You had to ignore all the people who count you as a friend."

“Yes, I had to,” Dean snapped, getting close to the end of his patience with just one unimpressed glance from Ethan. The other boy had more power over Dean than he’d ever be comfortable with, just another reason he was almost glad he now had a reason to avoid him.

“Either give a better reason, or stop it,” Ethan said evenly, his obviously forced calm all that Dean needed to tell that Ethan was as frustrated about this as he was. Good. He would have hated it if he was the only one being affected by this.

“Castiel.” Dean answered before he could stop himself, “I betrayed Cas. That’s why I had to.”

Dean started standing up, wanting to get as far away from Ethan as he could now that he had spilled his secret. He just told the guy who he kissed, how much Cas was still affecting his heart. Ethan could do whatever he wanted with that information, including but not limited to teasing him or telling him that he was an idiot for clinging to the love of a ghost. 

Ethan didn’t do either of those things, he just gripped Dean’s sleeve even tighter so that Dean couldn’t escape, clearly carefully thinking over his next words.

“I understand your heart is with Cas,” Ethan said carefully, “and I’m sorry if it ever seemed like I was trying to take his place.”

Dean let his head fall back until he was staring at the sky, the brightness of the sun blinding him slightly and making him see spots even when he let his eyes drift closed, all of his senses ridiculously aware of Ethan. He tried to stop himself from snorting, it was just such a mess. Ethan said he had never wanted to take Cas’ place, but that was the problem wasn’t it. Even if Ethan hadn’t meant to, he had been taking Cas’ place. He had almost become Dean’s best friend, a place held by Cas since forever. He had allowed himself to get too close and now his only chance of survival was too run away before it got any worse.

“I’m sorry all this happened but can't we still be friends?" Ethan asked, his voice wobbling a bit and causing everything inside of Dean to wish he could say yes, "can't we just go back to how we were on Friday?"

"No," Dean said, his voice crackling with hate which he didn't feel. Which he had never felt for anyone other than himself. "Leave me alone Ethan, I don’t want to be your friend, why can’t you just accept that?”

Dean tried his best not to allow Ethan’s hurt look to brand itself on his heart, but he should have known he would never be that lucky. This was Ethan and no matter what Dean wanted, the guy was important to him. 

But that was just another reason why Dean needed to get out. Ethan was important to him, but if he stuck around he would just mess everything up. Ethan would just get hurt.

Without another word, Dean stood up, and walked off. Ethan's grip on his sleeve was limp in shock and caused no resistance.

Dean didn't look back once. He just walked until he was alone again and then sat down, staring blankly. He didn't cry, he wasn't even sure he was able to anymore. His mind was empty, better than it had been for weeks.

Despite the fact it was the middle of the day, Dean found himself pulling his phone out of his pocket and dialing Gabe. He didn’t care if he made it to Chemistry on time or not, he just needed to talk.

And not to just anyone, he needed to talk to Gabe.

The phone rang twice before he heard the click of Gabe picking up. “Shouldn’t you be at school?” he said in lieu of a greeting.

“Not important right now,” Dean replied easily, even though he knew no one else would agree with that statement.

“Okay then,” Gabe answered, clearly trying to avoid a fight. He hated arguing with Dean, especially on days like today, “Why did you call me?” he asked.

“You know what day it is today,” Dean replied, his voice shaking slightly.

“Of course I do,” Gabe agreed, “But it’s the middle of school, you never call me at school unless it’s something worse than normal. We were going to call tonight, so you calling now tells me something is wrong beyond just the date.”

“Another year gone,” Dean said simply, “another year without him.”

“Dean, please don’t tell me you’ve done something stupid.”

“Me? Stupid? Never.”

“Dean,” Gabe sighed and Dean allowed himself half a second to feel sorry for Gabe, having to put up with him all these years. “What did you do?”

“Nothing,” Dean said again, “though I might have lost all my friends at once.”   
  
“Please don’t tell me this is about the guy you kissed.”   
  
“It is,” Dean sighed, Gabe’s disappointed tone making him feel even worse than before. He knew he did the right thing, but that didn’t make it any easier. “I told him to leave me alone, and I don’t take it back. I betrayed Cas, it just took until now for me to realise that avoiding him won’t solve my problems, I need to make sure he will leave me alone-”

“Dean, can you even hear yourself?” Gabe asked, cutting through his rambling, “Cas wouldn’t want this. He’s been gone nine years today. I’m not telling you that you have to move on, but you can’t live like this anymore.”

“You too,” Dean whispered harshly, “I thought you were on my side!”   
  


“I am, I miss him too,” Gabe assured quickly, but Dean didn’t want to hear it. Gabriel had made himself perfectly clear, and that was okay. But Dean wasn’t going to stick around to hear it.

He pulled the phone away from his ear and hung up, he really was well and truly alone.

How it was always meant to be.

The universe took his best friend for a reason after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How many times can I say I'm sorry in e end notes before you guys stop believing me?  
> Because, I'm sorry.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have chapter!!  
> *Cheers to myself in an empty room like normal people do*  
> Thank you people who commented last chapter!! It means a lot!!  
> This chapter has progress!!   
> Hope you like it!!

Ethan was tired. That was the only nice way he could put it. He'd barely slept since Dean told him he didn't want to be friends. Everytime he tried to get comfy and fall asleep, Dean's face would flash through his mind. The pain which had filled the other boy's eyes was stuck in his head and for the life of him, he couldn't figure out why he cared so much.

Dean had been horrible, he had made his stance very clear and even if Ethan didn't agree with his reasoning, he couldn't argue with it either.

Castiel. That's what the problem was, that's who stood between Dean and happiness, Dean and a normal life. Ethan knew it was horrible, the poor kid was kidnapped, probably dead, none of it was his fault, but Ethan hated him. He didn't want to, but he did. Maybe he should be hating whoever kidnapped Castiel, but really, no one knew who it was. The only person Ethan could blame for Dean's sadness, was this Castiel guy.

Maybe he was lovely, maybe he was the most amazing person in existence. But he left - it didn't matter if he meant to or not, whether he had a choice or not - he left Dean and now Dean was sad.

And Ethan didn't like anyone who made Dean sad.

He shouldn't care this much, but he did, he couldn't change it, and if the only thing he could do with his care was hate on some poor vanished boy, then he would feel bad about it, but he would do it anyway.

Yeah, even Ethan knew his logic was awful, but it was what it was and he was sticking to it.

Dean was his best friend, even if Dean didn't agree anymore. He just wanted to help, but Dean wouldn't let him. 

Dragging his mind back to the present, Ethan stared down at his paper. He was sitting at his desk, at home, avoiding his parents and trying to draw. The problem was his mind wouldn't stop thinking about Dean, and he couldn't figure out  _ what  _ to draw. He had an empty page, a sharp pencil, and a head too full of thoughts.

He hated it.

The annoying itch under his skin - the one which had been coming and going ever since he first met Dean - was back, and the longer it took him to figure out what was going on, the more and more annoyed he was getting.

It was something to do with Dean, it was almost definitely to do with his magic - though why it was acting now, after all this time, still baffled him - and it wanted something. Unfortunately, he hadn't figured out what it wanted yet.

He pushed himself away from his desk for a moment, closing his eyes and following the weird feeling. He wasn't going anywhere, but it almost felt like he was falling. Falling inwards, like a collapsing star.

Purple light filled the back of his eyes, pushing him back away, back up to the top, away from the feeling. 

Away from the answers.

Ethan blinked his eyes open slowly, unsure whether he had just fallen asleep, or if that was all real. He growled in frustration, the light in the room taking on a slightly blue hue before fading back to normal; it was too slight for anyone who wasn't looking to notice it, but Ethan could  _ feel  _ it. He could feel something stirring with his frustration and his sadness, his emotions heating something inside of him.

He closed his eyes again, searching, not stopping when the purple light tried to blind him away, he just kept on going.

Images, nonsense pictures and sounds and feelings and words filled the space he found, but he didn't stop. The purple was there and if he stopped to look it would force him back out. He wasn't here for them, he was there for…

There. Blue. Shining.

That was what he was looking for. The lock holding it back breaking with just a thought as it surged forwards, melding with whichever part of Ethan was there.

The purple caught up, forcing him back out, but he deed had been done.

Ethan blinked his eyes open for a second time, his eyes hurt and once again he questioned what had happened. Had that been a dream? Had Ethan fallen asleep? He knew how he could find out, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to. For as long as he ignored it, nothing would have changed. If he did look, then there would be so many questions he would have to answer. So many problems he didn't know how to solve.

For now, he turned back to his art. Picking up a pencil and sketching wings, hugs black ones which he believed were raven wings. He scratched people, barely even noticing as he worked, the only noise in his room the scratching of grathate was transferred to the paper, creating a shape which Ethan couldn't name, but knew was needed.

By the time he was finished, he was left breathless, staring down at a piece of artwork he was sure he couldn't have drawn. It was… achingly familiar while also being a complete unknown. He didn't draw like this, it wasn't his style.

And yet he knew it…

Castiel. The name flashed through his mind completely unbidden. That's where he knew the style from. It was the style of Dean's lost friend. The style from the sketch book which had sparked Ethan's déjà vu. The style of Ethan's new enemy.

Okay, so calling Cas his enemy was possibly a bit extreme, but that wasn't the point here.

Was his magic something to do with copying? Was that what he just released? Except… Why would it copy someone's art style? And why would it copy something from before he released it?

And, possibly more important than all of that combined, what was the purple light? What was it that was keeping everything hidden, chasing Ethan away.

Stretching an arm out, he called his magic firth, asking it to form on his fingertips like he'd seen so many other people do over the years. Despite never having done it before, it worked, and blue light appeared, cupped in his palm.

His mouth curled into a grin, a feeling of completeness filling him up.

Something was going on, something was hidden from him, but he knew he could get to the bottom of it. With his light in his palm, his friends and… and Dean. If he had all of those things, he knew he would be able to do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look guys!! We have progress!! We have slightly less stupidity!! Only slightly... but it's there!!


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up Readers! It's me! Your possible insane author!! I come baring a chapter, and a promise of more plot and also Idk.... I'm not really offering anything other than a chapter....  
> But I think it's a nice chapter if that counts for anything!  
> Yeah... I'll just let you go and read.  
> ENJOY

Sam was glaring at him across the table. Now, Dean wasn't going to lie and pretend he didn't deserve to be glared at, but he did believe he deserved to be allowed to eat his mac ‘n cheese in peace, the glaring could wait until everyone was done eating.

"What?" he snapped, dropping his fork onto his plate and crossing his arms, glaring right back at his brother. 

Unsurprisingly, Sam wasn’t phased in the slightest. "Nothing," Sam said, though Dean could tell that if their parents hadn't have been there, he would have been given a much more colourful answer. "I was just thinking, that's all."

Dean glared back for a moment, before turning back to his food. Neither of his parents understood what was going on - they probably thought Dean had just pranked Sam again - and Dean was not planning to tell them any time soon thank you very much, which left him unable to talk to Sam about this until after dinner.

Because yes, he deserved to be glared at, but that didn't mean he wanted to, nor that he was going to just let it happen without at least pretending he was annoyed about it.

He deserved it, but he would never admit it. Because for as long as he made people think that he believed he'd done the right thing, he would be able to at least believe he hadn't made the biggest mistake of his entire life.

He'd chosen Cas over Ethan and he would do it again in a heartbeat, but that didn't have to mean that he was completely okay with his decisions.

He was, maybe just possibly, a bit lonely. He'd spent so much time ignoring any feelings like that, but it seemed his short time of not ignoring it was enough to bend the cage and render him incapable of locking it away again.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As soon as they had finished eating, clearing up and putting stuff away, John and Mary headed off to watch the news, leaving Sam and Dean alone in the kitchen and free to talk.

"What the hell Dean," Sam hissed, clearly not in the mood to beat around the bush.

"What the hell, what Sam," Dean replied. Unlike Sam, he was very happy to beat around the bush and play as dumb as humanly possible. He would ask Sam who Ethan even was before he would happily talk about this.

"You know what," Sam said, walking right into Dean's personal space and freeing his magic, turning his eyes yellow and making the air around them feel heavier and suffocating.

"Stop it!" Dean snapped, grabbing Sam's arm and trying to break Sam's concentration. He wasn't scared of Sam, but his magic was definitely something to be wary of and Sam had been practising for years to be able to use it properly.

Sam didn't stop it, not fully, but the atmosphere in the room lightened and the yellow disappeared from Sam's eyes. Dean breathed slightly easier, even though he knew Sam could still probably read his feelings, there was no chance of his internal dialogue being heard.

"Look, I've been talking to the others. Ethan won't tell the full story, but I get the idea."

Dean shook his head, feeling uncomfortable. "It doesn't matter," he muttered angrily, "it doesn't change anything."

"Dean!" Sam said, and his voice was practically a yell, "stop this! You don't need to live your life based on a dead guy!"

Dean stared at his brother in shock. He knew that Sam felt that way, he wasn't exactly subtle about it, but it still hurt for it to be vocalised. He stared for a couple of moments before clearing his throat to reply.

"What's the point?" he asked, his voice quiet and full of defeat. "Even if I try to move on… I loved him, Sammy. I will never love anyone else. How could someone love me when I will never love them back?"

Sam gaped for a moment, clearly fighting for words to say in response, but Dean didn't stay to listen to them. Sam couldn't say anything to make it better. His words would be empty and useless, if Dean wanted empty and useless he would just go and look in the mirror. 

He bolted out the room, out the house, down the sidewalk. He didn't know where he was going, he just needed to get away. It wasn't anything new, his conversation with Sam, they'd been arguing about stuff like that for years, it was just… Ethan.

When Dean had been asking how another could ever love him, he'd been thinking about Ethan.

When he wondered about how he could ever love another, he'd been thinking about Ethan.

When Sam said he had to move on, he'd been thinking about Ethan.

He… despite leaving everyone. Despite isolating himself and doing everything he could to distance himself, he was still betraying Cas in his every move, his every thought.

Without even meaning to, Dean found himself at the park. He normally avoided parks, any parks, but here he was, the sun shining down and making the grass sparkle as he slowed from his run to a jog and then, eventually, a walk.

The park was full, the nice weather pulling in people of all ages. He could see at least five separate dog walkers without even looking around, and the play area part of the park was full of children enjoying the weekend by playing out with their friends. Dean made sure to take one of the quieter paths, trying his best to avoid everyone he possibly could.

He was here to think, not listen to children scream about whatever children scream about.

He tried his best to avoid letting his feelings show on his face, but he wasn't certain he managed. He was definitely getting some odd looks from the people he passed on the path. Sometimes he wondered what they saw. He'd spent most of his life not caring about anything, including what people thought about him, and he still didn't really care, but that didn't mean he never wondered. Could they see how awful he was? Was it written all across his face in permanent marker?

Could they all see what he did?

Could they see the betrayal written all over his being?

Then again, was it even betrayal?

Gabe would say it wasn't, Sam would say it wasn't, actually now that he thought about it… only he believed it was a betrayal.

Could they be right?

He knew that he felt something for Ethan, something which he was sure he would only ever feel for Cas. It was'nt love, no that was still something he still had only ever felt for Cas. It was more like… the potential for love. The step just before. It was still closer to love than he ever expected from himself, and it was still more than he believed he deserved to be able to feel.

But… Cas.

He had done everything in his life for Cas. He had abandoned his magic, because what was the point of it if it couldn't save the only thing he needed to save. It didn't matter if it wasn't even properly developed. It didn't matter that it hadn't specialised yet and that all it could do was colour and spark. No, it had failed him. That's all that had mattered.

He had abandoned his friends for Cas. His mind convinced him that if he just isolated himself from everyone else, Cas would return. Cas had never wanted him to be alone and lonely, so if he made himself alone and lonely then Cas would come back to help him.

Except…. Wasn't that against his whole point? He was betraying Cas by liking Ethan, he was betraying Cas by being happy and moving on, but that was all Cas had ever wanted for him. All Cas wanted was for Dean to be happy, and all Dean wanted was for Cas to be happy.

He'd been doing all this wrong the entire time! Cas… Cas wanted this for him. Cas may never come back, but he still had this. He still had friends. He still had Ethan. As long as they would take them back, he could have them.

He still had his magic.

For the first time in just under a decade, he purposefully called his magic to the surface. It surged up willingly, time and a lack of practice doing nothing to change something which had come so naturally to him when he was younger.

As the green sparks surrounded him, Dean started to run. But not out of fear, not anymore. He ran out of exhilaration. Not joy, he wasn't quite ready to accept the joy back, and he knew even now he would still never be truly happy without Cas. He could still only ever love Cas… but that didn't mean he couldn't really like Ethan.

And maybe… maybe Ethan could really like him back.

He stops running suddenly, his focus suddenly locked onto the area of the park he'd just run to. It was a wooded area, but it was… it was dying. It was grey and dried out and dead.

Not for much longer.

With the closest Dean had got to a smile in years, Dean reached his hands out and summoned his magic to the forefront. He dropped to his knees and pressed his still sparking hands to the slightly damp ground, allowing his power to run through him, from his core to the core of every single plant within his range. He felt then all crying out, accepting the help he was giving them and using it to live.

By the time Dean opened his eyes again, what could have been seconds, minutes or hours later, his grey and dead surroundings were no longer grey and dead. Life and colour filled the plants which his power had helped, the brightness of the area making his heart fill.

This was it. This was what his power was made for. He could feel it, the plant's gratitude. He made a silent promise to come back at some point, to make sure that the place didn't fall back into ruin once he was gone.

He stood back up fully, the knees of his jeans damp from the ground, but life filling every pore of his being.

He felt alive, he felt free.

He heard a twig snapping behind him, the sound of retreating footsteps. Momentary panic filled Dean at the thought of someone else seeing his little show, someone else outside of his house knowing what his powers could do, but the panic quickly faded.

This was okay.

He was okay with people knowing now. He was allowed to use his powers, so why would it matter who knew what he could do.

He twisted around, watching the silhouette of the other person disappear past the tree line and out of sight. He couldn't tell anything about them, just that they were running away for some reason.

It wasn't Dean's problem. He had bigger things to think about.

Step one. Get his friends back.

The rest could come later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well would you look at that, the plot is really speeding up right now isn't it!  
> Any ideas on who the silhouette is? Because you are probably right, but you won't know until I next update because that's how this whole thing works. :D :D  
> Also was I the only one picturing Elsa from Frozen during that whole 'using magic for the first time in a while' bit.... Because I was reading this to edit and my brain was just like... Elsa... And also the entire Let It Go song.  
> ANYWAY I'll see everyone soon I hope!! THANK YOU ALL FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ THIS STORY OF MINE!! YOU'RE ALL AWESOME!!


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this chapter is a hot mess.... but... It's a chapter and I don't hate it so here you are!!  
> Hope you're having a good weekend!!

Ethan sprinted through the trees, his legs desperately trying to get him away from the scene he had just witnessed in the woods. He hadn’t meant to spy on Dean, hadn’t even realised it was him at first. He had just decided to go for a walk through the park to try and clear his head, and maybe sneakily find out what his magic did if the opportunity arose. He’d been walking along, enjoying the sun and the view, when suddenly he had felt something. He hadn’t known what it was, but his magic had been practically dragging him towards it, so he did the normal thing and decided to follow it. It wasn’t like he had anything better to do than follow weird feelings anyway.

And that was how he had found himself there, for the first time ever, he had watched Dean perform magic, seeing his true magic - instead of just hints of it - for the first time ever. And... then he’d ran.

He couldn't stay, he couldn't wait and talk to Dean like he'd been planning to when he first realised who it was, before he'd realised what he was seeing, he couldn't do anything but run, because there was a feeling. He didn't know what it was, he didn't know what had caused it, but somewhere in his heart he knew what it meant.

There was a feeling.

A feeling like coming home.

Like a warm blanket or a tight hug.

He had seen Dean's magic - his true magic - and he felt like everything in his life had just clicked back into place. He had watched Dean restore life to that patch of wood and it felt like his life was being restored to him as it did so.

His mind raced, a small headache forming behind his eyes as he tried to remember, to figure out what he now knew he had forgotten. His magic was swirling behind his sternum, it knew the truth. It knew what Ethan didn't, but that didn't help him in the slightest because he  _ still  _ didn't know.

He knew. But he didn't.

He could feel it. But he couldn't translate it.

He ran faster, his legs burning as he dashed between the trees, the soft dirt below him being tossed up behind him as he went.

It was Dean. He knew that. Dean had always been Dean. Why did this feel like a revelation? Like something new?

The trees flashed by, his surroundings brightening as he neared the edge of the woods and got closer and closer to the open park.

It was Dean. Not just Dean. Dean was from now, but he was also from… from before.

Dean was from before.

Before he was eight. Before he lost his memories.

He knew Dean before.

His magic knew Dean from before. Before something happened and before they moved away.

But… his parents said they had never lived around here? His parents didn't say anything. In fact, his parents made it very clear he had never used his magic, not even before, so why did his magic know Dean?

He burst into the sunlight, the answer coming to him at the same moment.

His parents were lying.

About what? He didn't know. Why? He didn't know. But they were.

They were lying.

He sprinted through the park, not slowing down until he reached his parents car. He had a licence, so when they were home - which wasn't often - they let him borrow it. He had never been more thankful his parents were home, he just wanted to get home quickly and lock himself into his room until he knew the answer. He couldn't talk to his parents about this, that much was clear, but he needed to be home.

He needed time to think.

The climbed in, doing up his seatbelt while his fingers crackled with sparks. There was something important he was missing. There was something else.

Something bigger than what he already had.

He pulled out of the parking lot, carefully driving home.

Dean had never mentioned him. Dean didn't know him. No one here knew him. Charlie, Sam, people who knew Dean at the same time Ethan would have known Dean.

None of them knew Ethan.

Was he crazy? Had his magic been damaged by being locked up for so long and imprinted on the first magic he saw after being released? Was this all actually in his imagination and nothing suspicious was happening at all?

Maybe before really was just before he hit his head, maybe he really had never been to his side of America. Maybe déjà vu was just déjà vu. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe nothing suspicious was happening at all.

Ethan's magic said otherwise.

Ethan's brain said otherwise as well.

He  _ knew  _ Dean. He….. he remembered Dean! That dream, the dream which had slipped from his mind. It had been of Dean! He knew something else important happened in that dream, but the rest kept slipping away, all that remained was that Dean had been in it. Dean as a child.

It could have been his imagination, but he knew, somewhere in his heart, that it had been actually Dean. The real one. It hadn't been a dream, it had been a memory.

A memory.

From before.

And yet, that just brought Ethan round full circle. If it was a memory, then why did no one know him, why was he never mentioned or recognised.

Unless…

It… it could work. It would make sense. A few things still didn't add up, but more added up than any other theory he had.

He carefully stopped at the crossroads. It made sense. It worked. Did he want to believe it was true?

If he believed it, he would have to act on it. He would have to look into the truth, dig deeper than he ever had before. It would bring his entire life down to dust around him. Did he really want to risk everything for a feeling.

Suddenly, as the lights change and he drives forwards, a face jumps into Ethan's mind. It was Dean, his eyes sparkling in a way Ethan had only ever seen once, just after they had kissed.

He just wanted Dean to be happy. And this? This could make Dean happy. Just recognising that he knew it was true, would free the part of Dean which stopped him from allowing himself to be happy.

Hiding this wouldn't change anything, but not hiding it would. Revealing what he knew, would change everything.

He could only hope it was for the better.

Because he knew the truth.

He knew Dean from before, and Dean knew him. Charlie knew him. Sam knew him.

But they didn't know Ethan. They had never even heard of Ethan. Because even now, Ethan didn't exist.

They knew Castiel.

They knew Cas.

His magic flared, he had accepted the truth, and it was ready. Ready to find the full truth. Ready to find out what actually happened to Ethan. What actually happened to Cas.

There was a squealing of tires, a driver coming from the left, not stopping, going way too fast for the road.

Ethan saw what was going to happen, seconds before it actually did happen.

The diver was going too fast, he wasn't even trying to stop. Ethan didn't have time to slam on the breaks or swerve out the way, he had milliseconds to grace himself and nothing else.

The car slammed into the driver's side door. Into Ethan. Into Castiel.

Pain.

Hot, searing pain.

And then, everything started to fade.

His magic sparked a couple of times, trying to do what it was made to do. It was too weak, too inexperienced. Ethan was too out of it.

He blinked. Once. Twice.

Everything was getting blurry.

Then it faded to black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...... Okay I'm going to say it again... and I doubt you will believe me.... but I'm sorry.
> 
> Comments fuel my typing power.....


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I don't fully know where this fic is going to go, but I think there will probably be between 40 and 50 chapters (This is a monster, help, it wasn't supposed to be this long) so we are probably over half way through!! I just want to thank everyone reading, kudosing, commenting on this fic, it would not be being written without your support so THANK YOU!!
> 
> Now, I know why you are all here... so lets get on with the chapter!!

Dean smiled as he walked back to his house, magic still warming his chest in a way which he couldn't believe he had spent his entire life avoiding.

It still felt weird, to be using his magic. He still felt guilty. He had broken his promise to not use it until Cas was back, but the promise had never been with Cas, that's what he kept reminding himself. Cas had never asked him to do that, Cas had never wanted him to do that.

Dean had decided it on his own.

And now he decided against it on his own as well.

He started to whistle, something akin to a happy smile on his face, causing his brother to do a comical double take when he saw him.

"Are you-" he started, his eyes wide in shock which just made Dean smile wider, "are you smiling? Are you whistling? Who are you and what have you done with my brother."

Dean waved his hand dismissively, "still me bitch," he said, carefully using his magic to help the sad looking plant in the sitting room, which had been too far from his room to be helped before now.

"Okay, not I'm certain it's not you," Sam said, getting into what was probably meant to be a threatening pose, his magic sparking at what he actually thought was someone pretending to be his brother.

"Woah, woah, calm down," Dean yelped, holding his hands out in the universal gesture for meaning no harm, "it's me, I promise. You can check, still me, you don't need to hurt me."

Sam nodded, relaxing his posture slightly as he reached a hand out and pressed it to Dean's forehead. It felt weird, in a way it never had before the few times when Sam had done this in the past. He could feel his magic twisting uneasily in his chest, clearly not liking the intrusion of Sam's magic.

“Huh,” Sam said quietly, what was probably about a minute later, “It really is you.” He seemed confused, like he honestly couldn’t believe that the person in front of him was actually his brother. Thinking of how Dean had acted for the entire time Sam could remember, Dean didn’t blame him.

He felt kind of bad about all that, for acting like that for all those years. He still thought he had a good reason, and didn’t regret it, nor would he change it. But he still felt kind of guilty for making Sam know only that side of him. Then again, he also felt guilty about abandoning Cas now, so maybe what he felt guilty about wasn’t a good basis to live his life on.

“Yeah Sammy,” he sighed, instead of saying anything which was flying through his head, “It’s me. Who else would it be?”   
  
Sam ignored his jab, instead looking thoughtful and asking, “Does this mean you’ve moved on from Cas?”   
  


Dean’s heart gave a painful stab at the mention of Cas’ name and he could already tell that he was going to be even more sensitive about that whole thing for a while. He wouldn’t let it change anything though. Cas wanted him to be happy. This would make him happy. It might take a minute, but he knew in the end, he would be so much happier than before.

“No, not exactly,” Dean said with a shrug, trying to hide the fact he still wasn’t fully sure himself what this would mean. Was he moving on from Cas? He promised he never would, but he also promised never to use his magic. He didn’t want to move on… But maybe it wasn’t his choice anymore? “It means that I still haven’t moved on from Cas, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be happy in other ways?” Dean could tell from Sam’s squint that his younger brother could tell how unsure he was, but thankfully he didn’t pick Dean up on it, so he would take whatever small blessings he was given.

“Alright,” Sam said with a smile, “I’m happy for you,” and then he walked off to his room, apparently done with the conversation. It was suspicious, but he would rather have a brother acting suspicious than an entire interrogation.

Dean walked around the house, smiling as he felt the plants around the house. Apparently, now that he’d properly released his magic, his other skills were coming to light. He hadn’t tried controlling any of the new aspects of his power he could feel under his skin, he’d never really experimented with his magic before and he wasn’t sure he trusted himself not to destroy anything. Normally, children experimented and perfected their powers when they were young and their powers still weak. Dean was older, his magic was strong, and Dean still couldn’t control much beyond the basics where he just threw his magic’s energy at plants and they used it for what they needed most.

He’d have to figure that out at some point soon, how to learn to use his magic without hurting anyone. Maybe Ethan would help him! Then again, Dean wasn’t sure he’d ever even seen Ethan’s magic. Maybe Ethan didn’t use his magic at all… Maybe they could learn to use their magic together?

Dean smiled, there was no reason to get ahead of himself, but he had the feeling that things were going to start getting better now. He was allowing it to get better, so now was the time to start being hopeful for the future.

His phone rang, making him jump a little bit. He pulled it out of his pocket, smiling when he saw Charlie's contact flashing up on his screen. He didn't know why she was calling him, maybe Sam had texted her? But this was good. He could apologise now and if she forgave him for leaving  _ again  _ then everything could be back to normal by Monday!

"Hey Charlie," he greeted cheerily when he answered the call. He waited for a response, for her to say why she was calling, but all he could hear was a heaving sob.

"Charlie? Are you okay?" Dean asked, instantly worried. Charlie didn't cry over things. In the entire time Dean has known Charlie, he can only think of three times she had properly, full on, cried, and all of those occasions had been big.

"It's Ethan," Charlie answered after what felt like hours, "he was in a car crash, he's in hospital now."

Dean felt the floor crumbling beneath him. Ethan was in a car crash.

A million questions danced around his head, was he okay? What happened? Was he awake? Whose fault was it? Do they know what happened? Was he okay? Was he okay?

Was he going to survive?

He couldn't voice a single one of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise it will get better. Probably within the next few chapters. Definitely before the end.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome to 1000 words of Dean being emotionally confused, please enjoy your visit.

Dean felt the tears start to slide down his face. Ethan was hurt, and Dean didn't know if he would be okay. Ethan might not be okay. Ethan might be dying.

And Dean couldn't even gather enough words to ask Charlie for more details.

As though she had sensed Dean's problem, or maybe she had just had the same problem when she found out, so knew how he would be feeling, Charlie started talking again.

"We don't know what happened yet, he is unconscious but will be okay," Charlie's voice sounded as relieved as Dean felt, "his family were called, but they said they have a business trip tomorrow morning so will be leaving then. We will be able to go and visit once they've gone."

"Their son is hurt and they are leaving for business?" Dean asked, disgust filling his voice. He couldn't believe people like that existed. Why have a kid if you are just going to ignore them? Especially when they are hurt. Did Ethan's parents even care if he was okay? Were they visiting him right then? Or would Ethan be alone until his friends were allowed in? The only plus side Dean could see was that Ethan had the best friends. They wouldn't let him be alone. Dean knew that for sure.

"Yeah, I know," Charlie agreed, sounding as disgusted as Dean was. Clearly she wasn't Ethan's parent's biggest fan either. "But we'll be able to see Ethan earlier, so silver linings and all that."

Dean nodded, knowing that Charlie couldn't see him, but he didn't have the energy to vocalise his agreement. Silver linings, Ethan's parents may be leaving soon, but the sooner they leave, the sooner Ethan would get to see people who actually cared about him.

Charlie sighed quietly, probably also counting down the time until she could go and see Ethan. "I have to call the others, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, see you then," Dean agreed, feeling like all of his energy had been sucked out of his body. He heard his phone click as Charlie hung up, but for a moment he didn't move, just holding the phone to his ear and trying not to crumble.

Ethan was hurt.

Ethan was in hospital.

But… he would be okay. That's what Charlie said. He could trust Charlie not to be spouting lies. Ethan was going to be okay.

Dean blinked a couple of times, finally allowing his arm to drop. He walked in a haze up to his room, his mind still thinking about Ethan instead of what was happening around him.

He flopped down onto his bed, the covers bouncing up around him. Ethan was in an accident? How come every time Dean allowed himself to care about someone, something happened to them? The two people he had allowed close to him, had both ended up suffering. And no, he didn't think Cas had been kidnapped because he cared about him. No, he didn't think Ethan had been hurt because Dean had decided to try and let him in.

But it couldn't be ignored that it was a pretty big coincidence.

Dean sighed loudly to himself, his magic twisting in his chest and drawing his attention to something there.

There was something… this hurt. An almost physical ache. Ethan being hurt, hurt Dean. But… it wasn't in the way he expected. It was different.

Closing his eyes tiredly Dean let his mind roam in the hopes he would be able to figure out what was wrong. His mind was telling him nothing, there was nothing wrong in being upset over his best friend - and the guy he wanted to look for happiness with - being hurt, but his heart was implying something wrong.

If not being sad, then what?

Dean almost wished he hadn't spent the last few years avoiding all the emotions he could. Maybe if he hadn't, he would know what this meant, what this was.

He liked Ethan. Liked him a lot. That's why it hurt that he was hurt. That's why this was crushing him.

Except… he almost lost him. He didn't know how bad the accident actually was, but people die in accidents all the time, people die in ambulances or before they get to the hospital, or in the hospital all the time. Ethan could have died, then Dean would have never had the chance to apologise.

He would have never had the chance to tell Ethan he loved him.

Wait what? Dean didn't love Ethan. He loved Cas. Only Cas. No one else. He would never be able to love anyone but Cas, that was the truth he knew it was.

If soulmates existed, Cas would have been his. Cas was his one and only, his past, present and future.

He couldn't love Ethan.

And yet… he nearly lost Ethan. Just like he lost Cas. He was never old enough to tell Cas the truth, did he really want to make the same mistake again? Did he really want to risk it all, just because he loved Cas.

Because… it wasn't illegal to love two people.

This wasn't saying he didn't love Cas… it was just saying Ethan was pretty cool too.

He would always love Cas most in the world… but… maybe there was space for Ethan too?

Dean threw an arm over his eyes, his thoughts racing. Was this actually love he felt for Ethan? Or was it just because he was the first person to see through his act in years. Could he love two people? Dean couldn't see why not. Would Cas hate him for it? Would Cas never come back if Dean loved Ethan? Because that would be moving on. There is no bigger way to move on than to love someone else.

So in that case was Sam right? Had he moved on? Should he move on?

He was just so confused. He didn't know the right answer but he was scared to get the wrong one.

He loved Cas.

He loved Ethan.

He loved both of them?

Did it matter which it was? Did Cas even care what happened to Dean? Did Ethan actually care about him either?

Would Dean ever figure it out?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was exactly what I said it was, hope you enjoyed!!  
> kudos and comments mean a lot to me!!


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!!! And we are finally back with Cas/Ethan!!!  
> I feel like I have more to say... except I really don't have anything to say.  
> Here is the chapter!!  
> I hope you enjoy!!

Everything hurt.

That was the first thing Ethan's consciousness decided to point out as he emerged from the darkness he was floating in.

There was an annoying beeping filling the air, loud and insistent and Ethan wished it would just stop already. It was giving him a headache and seeing as everything else already hurt, it really wasn’t pleasant.

Was it his alarm? He didn't think he was meant to be anywhere today, and his arms felt too weighed down to turn it off. He felt… he felt like his life force had been sucked out with a straw and then he'd been trampled by a stampede and then after that he’d been hit by a plane.

He wanted to sleep, but he'd been sleeping for so long - what time was it now? Why had he been sleeping so long? Why had he been sleeping? Was it night time? - that he also wanted to wake up. He needed to wake up. He was tired, so tired, but he had bigger concerns… he couldn't remember what they were, but they existed. He knew they did.

His other senses started to return. His body felt stiff, fuzzy, but under the fuzziness there was pain. Pain so searing he didn't want to look under the fuzz again. There was something cooling there as well, slowly repairing something. Was something broken?

He couldn't see anything, his eyes were closed. He should probably open them, see what was going on. Find out why he felt like he did.

As his eyes fluttered open - slowly, painfully, his eyelids sticking together. How long had he been asleep? - he started to become aware of his surroundings. His eyes weren't focusing, but he could tell he wasn't alone anymore. In fact… there were at least… four? Different people talking in the room, and probably some other people as well. He didn't think his parents were there, which was just as well, even if he couldn't remember why.

Where even was he?

People wouldn't be in his room like his tired brain had originally assumed. There would be no reason for them to be there. And also why would he be hurting like this if it was his room? Why would he be fuzzy? Why would his alarm still be beeping, they would have turned it off by now.

His eyes started to focus, taking in the startling white of his surroundings. The smell of disinfectant and forced clean. This was not his room. This was a… hospital room.

Why was he in hospital?

What had happened?

"Ethan?" A voice asked and it took Ethan a good minute of thinking before he realised it was Charlie who spoke. Charlie. Who was standing by his bedside looking worried.

"Charlie? What are you doing here? What am I doing here?" he asked, his voice a rough croak. Charlie quickly dashed forwards, grabbing him the glass of water from his bedside and putting the straw between his lips, quietly muttering ‘slowly’ as he drank it.

"You don't remember?" Another voice asked, Kevin. It was Kevin. An equally worried frown sat on his face and he was bookless for probably the first time since Ethan had known him.

"No, why are you guys here?" Ethan said again, his voice marginally better but still sore. He ignored it, he just wanted to figure out more of what was going on.

"We came to keep you company and check you were alright. You were in a car accident a week ago but your parents had to go, so we came. We've been here after school as often as our parents would allow." Charlie explained, clearly annoyed about his parents just leaving him, but Ethan had bigger things to worry about. At least that explained the dry throat and the heavy limbs.

"A car crash," Ethan echoed, "I was in a car crash. I was coming back from the park… I remembered something important…"

"What did you remember, Cher?" Benny asked when Ethan fell silent, his memory hitting a wall.

"I can't remember anymore," Ethan sighed, "it was important, I know it was." He could tell his friends were concerned, probably all wondering what counted as important when you had just survived a car crash, but Ethan knew it was big, he just didn't know why.

His mind raced, he'd been at the park. He'd seen….

"Dean? Where is Dean?"

"Dean?" Jo asked, "He was here earlier, but he had to leave, he didn't say why, but he hasn't come back yet."

Ethan nodded, his mind still trying to remember. He'd seen Dean doing magic, healing the woods, and then when he'd been driving back he'd remembered that he was… he did… It was something to do with Ethan's past.

His parents were lying?

But… what about?

It was important, he knew it.

"Hey guys, I'm still kinda tired," Ethan said quietly, feeling slightly guilty for going to sleep so soon after waking up, but he was tired, and he felt like if he slept he might remember what had happened.

"That's alright," Charlie said, "we'll still be here when you wake up. You were in a car crash, it's expected that you would still be tired."

"Thanks," Ethan muttered, thankful that he had such awesome friends.

He closed his eyes, allowing sleep to drag him down.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


_ "19, 20, ready or not, here I come" _

_ A scared green gaze. _

_ Golden illusions. _

_ Ice cream. _

_ Drawing. _

_ Purple sparks. So much purple. It burned the drawing, melted the ice cream, crushed the illusions, drowned out the green. _

_ It turned his memories into dust, locked them away with the blue of his being. _

_ "That's not important for now." _

_ Castiel. Cassie. Cas. _

_ Locked away, replaced. _

_ "We have a plan." _

_ A plan. _

_ A plan for him. _

_ A plan for the blue? _

_ They wanted something, something Castiel couldn't give them. Not as he was, not where he was. _

_ They needed him. _

_ So they took him away, took his magic away, kept him away. _

_ The purple kept it away, locked out if sight, out of feeling, out if mind. _

_ Kept Ethan as Ethan, and Cas a missing boy who would never return. _

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ethan woke up with a gasp, his stomach rolling and threatening to rebel as his mind processed what had just happened in his dream.

Except… it wasn't a dream. It was too vivid, too real.

It aligned perfectly with what Ethan already knew.

However much he wished that it was just a dream, he knew the truth in his heart. However much the purple sparks tried to drown the truth out, he remembered.

He was Cas.

His parents had kidnapped him.

They… they weren't his parents.

That was what had happened, the gap between before and now. The gap between Castiel and Ethan.

He still had so many questions, but the biggest one had to be, what now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!!!  
> Comments and kudos give me life!!!


	30. Chapter 30

Dean wished he knew what was going on.

He wished he knew how Ethan was doing.

He wished he knew a lot of things.

He'd spent nearly an entire week by Ethan's bed side, waiting for him to wake up and trying to pay attention at school in between.

John and Mary seemed to understand why this was so important to Dean, or they at least knew they wouldn't be able to convince Dean to leave. They had allowed Dean to spend as much time at the hospital as he could, but had made it very clear that Dean had to look after himself or else they would stop him from going.

Dean didn't think they would be able to stop him, but he wasn't going to say that. They could believe they could control him if it made them feel better.

Unfortunately, he'd had to leave the hospital, too much happening for him to stay with Ethan and all their other friends.

He'd apologised to them all, and they'd excepted him back fairly easily, apparently they didn't even know why Dean had left, but hadn't been angry either. Dean hadn't told them. He couldn't tell them. All he could do was hope Ethan woke up so that he could have a second chance for a life filled with love.

His magic was… unsettled to say the least. When he had first released it, it had been amazing, he'd felt amazing. It was like wearing too small shoes for hours, and then finally being able to take them off. Now though, now that Ethan was hurt he was only just holding on, every plant in the hospital was probably bursting with health by now.

His magic was volatile, but so was he.

He was pretty much ten minutes away from a panic attack at any one time. This was like being thrown back in time to when Cas went missing, all over again. He wasn't alone any more, he had so many people surrounding him now, he didn't have to hide away.

Which was exactly why he was back in the wood he had refreshed a week ago. Huh… a week. A single week without Ethan and it already felt like it had been years.

There was no one else there, he was alone with healthy trees which recognised him as the one who had returned their life to them. They were thankful, the natural force they created by living was flowing through Dean as he flowed his magic through them. It was a circle of energy, relaxing Dean and staving off the imminent panic attack, attracting animals of all kinds from the park to surround him and fill the wood.

The life which was filling the previous dead area was making Dean smile, filling him with the kind of hope he hadn't had all week.

His life was bad and it kept getting worse, but it had to stop soon and right now this felt like rock bottom. Ethan hurt, bouncing between school and the hospital and occasionally home for a change of clothes and a few bites of food. His life was nothing but waiting for Ethan, just like how before he met Ethan his life was just waiting for Cas.

What a horrible piece of irony his life was.

Why Dean though was probably the worst part, was he knew he would wait. He would wait for Ethan as long as he would wait for Cas.

And no matter how much it scared him, he knew it was true.

He squinted, an odd feeling filling a gap in his sternum which he hadn't even been aware of. There was… something there? No… not here. There had been magic, not recently, but a magic had been here and the remains of its presence had been dragged into the circle of power, dragged round and round until it gained enough momentum and power for Dean to feel it.

And it was… it was…

No.

There was no way he was right.

There was no way he knew the magic like he thought he did.

He was just moving on, he thought he was doing well. He hadn't hallucinated for years, not since he had given up once and for all.

He couldn't tell whether it was the fact he'd gained some hope for a better future which was causing this, or the similarities between now and back then, but he hated it. He hated the fact that now he was ready, now he was finally healing, this was coming back at reminding him what he was losing.

Reminding him what he was giving up if he did this.

Standing up abruptly, Dean broke the circle, allowing the hallucination to fade back into the surroundings, no longer powerful enough for him to feel. He was slightly worried that due to the fact it wasn't actually there, it wouldn't fade and would continue haunting him. Luckily, probably the first good thing to happen to him all week, the hallucination faded along with the rest of the power in the circle.

He wasn't going to let this ruin anything, not after everything he had promised himself, not after everything that had changed in the last few months.

He loved Cas.

He always would.

But he loved Ethan as well, and right now only one of them was an option.

He wasn't going to let a stupid hallucination of power ruin it.

He shook his head, trying to focus back in on the important things. He was better now, no panic attacks on the edge of his consciousness, he could go back now. He could go and find out if Ethan was okay.

He knew that it was unlikely that Ethan had woken up in the few hours he'd been away, but he couldn't help the feeling that he needed to get back to Ethan, he needed to see that he was alive and here, even if he wasn't awake yet.

He needed to know a lot of things.

He needed to know that Ethan was okay.

He needed to know what was going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!!  
> Comments give me the motivation to write!!  
> See you all next chapter!!


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!! I'm back!!! I have chapter!!  
> Enjoy!!

"Are you okay?" Charlie asked in concern, reminding Ethan that he wasn't alone in the room. He didn't know how long he slept for, but clearly his friends were still there.

"Yeah," he sighed, still feeling slightly tired, but the weight of his new discovery outweighed his fatigue. "Just an… odd dream."

"A nightmare?" Jo asked, her voice also concerned which made Ethan just want to smack his head off a wall. All his friends ever seemed to be was worried at the moment, and Ethan didn't want that. He felt bad enough for them spending so much time in the hospital, never mind the fact he just seemed to be worrying them.

"No, not exactly," he said awkwardly, actually not sure how he would explain it, "just a bit shocking."

Everyone nodded, clearly okay with that explanation for his sudden awakening. Then again, he was in hospital, he could probably say something which made no sense at all and they would all agree.

"Hey guys," Ethan said slowly, feeling like he needed to be alone but not quite sure how to ask without being rude. He needed time to get his head around what he had remembered and actually figure out what this all meant.

"Let me guess," Benny drawled with a grin, "you want some time alone?"

Ethan gaped, unsure how Benny had figured that out. Could Benny read minds? Had Ethan been that obvious?

"Calm down Cher," Benny laughed, "you kept on glancing at the door, it didn't take a genius to figure it out."

"Well yeah," Ethan said with a slightly awkward smile, "I'm not trying to be rude-"

"You're not being rude," Kevin quickly interrupted before Ethan could finish his sentence, "we've been hovering for hours, we understand you wanting some alone time."

Ethan grinned thankfully, "thanks guys," he said, getting hugs from everyone as they slowly trickled out, leaving him alone with the low beeping of the machines and his own thoughts.

He wasn't entirely sure being alone with his thoughts was his best idea ever, but whether it was fun or not, he needed to do it.

He needed to understand how he felt about this, and to do that he needed some space to think.

He was Ethan.

But he was also Castiel?

He remembered being Castiel now, but he also remembered all these years of not remembering, of not knowing.

So the question remained, was he Castiel? Was he Ethan?

Ethiel?

Cthan?

Yeah, he was confused. He didn't know what to call himself. He didn't know who he was. He didn't know what this meant.

Everything he had ever known was falling down around him, leaving him stranded. A flood of feelings and memories and things which he had forgotten but also somehow always known surrounding him and trying to drag him under.

His magic was sitting behind his sternum, a physical reminder that he was Cas, but his entire life he had been Ethan. He couldn't be both… well, clearly he could… but sooner or later he would have to choose and he wasn't sure he wanted to do that.

For years, practically his entire life, he hadn't even known his magic was there. Sure, in theory he knew it must be, but he had never felt it, never felt even the tiniest spark which implied he would be able to use it. He wasn't even fully sure it was there, he had wondered so many times about whether he was just odd and didn't have any, and that's why his parents told him to keep it locked away.

And then he met Dean.

And something, be it their shared past, the feelings Ethan was certain he had always felt for Dean, or something deeper and more magical, caused everything to change.

Dean's very presence woke Ethan's magic up, bit by bit until he could sense it, until he could… until it overwhelmed him and it bubbled out of him that day with Charlie. They'd never talked about it since, but that was it. His magic had thrown her away, but had it done something else as well? Was it the reason Charlie wasn't hurt?

Ethan shook those questions away, they were problems for another day. A day when he knew what he was actually going to do about all the rest of this mess.

Something had wiped his memory, made him forget his magic and Dean and his home, and yet he had remembered. Something had been strong enough to overwhelm the walls keeping those memories away, and however much it worried Ethan, he knew it couldn't have been his own magic.

It had been years of keeping it locked away, Ethan had never - even as a child - used his magic, it wouldn't be strong enough to overwhelm whatever was keeping his memory away.

Oh yeah, and there is Ethan's next problem.

What was blocking his memory?

Was it the purple sparks? They did always seem to be there forcing his memory away and his magic down… it lined up.

But if it was, then the next question would be what caused the purple sparks? Was it someone's magic? Was there someone out there, who for most of his life, had used their magic to force him to forget everything?

It seemed… unbelievable.

It was one of those situations where Ethan knew somewhere within him that it was true, but he couldn't help but believe that it must be a dream, a hallucination, anything but true. It couldn't be true because that couldn't be his life.

Apparently it was his life though.

And he wasn't sure there was anything he could do about it.

He spread his palm out, wiggling his fingers and allowing his magic to spark across his fingers and allowing the gentle tingle to calm him down a bit. He had his magic now, he had his memories, he had his friends.

No matter what happened, he would be able to face the truth.

A gentle gasp game from the doorway and Ethan looked up just in time to see Dean, staring at Ethan with shock and recognition in his eyes before he turned tail and ran, disappearing from view before Ethan could open his mouth to call him back.

Dean knew everything. Ethan could tell that clearly from his friend’s reaction, now he just had to hope this wasn’t going to ruin everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I've definitely said this too many times for you to still believe me... but I am kinda sorry for that one...
> 
> In Other News!!  
> Thank you all for reading!!  
> Kudos and comments mean the world to me!!  
> Next chapter should be up in.... one moment.... three days? If everything goes well?  
> ANYWAY!! See you all soon!!


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to find out what Dean thought of this whole mess!!!  
> Thanks to the people who commented last chapter, your comments give me life.

Dean sat in the parking lot for longer than was probably necessary, tapping his fingers against the wheel as he tried to get his emotions under check. He hated being so emotional, he hadn't felt anything like this for years, normally his main emotion was emptiness, but it was like Ethan had woken something up inside of him, and now that Dean didn't even have Ethan to lean on in this time of newfound magic and real actual emotions, well… he hated it.

He hated it so much.

To make matters worse his brain had apparently decided to try and guilt trip into feeling bad for trying to move on and the closer he drove to the hospital, the stronger the hallucination of magic became. It still wasn't strong, still just a soft whisper in the back of his mind, but it was becoming more and more insistent and it wasn't even real, it was just his brain trying to remind him why he had been doing this all these years, just when he was trying to move on with his life.

It was just a hallucination, Dean had dealt with worse in his life and he would deal with this in exactly the same way he had dealt with all of that before.

Denial and a false bravado.

Okay, maybe it wasn't the best plan, but it was the best one he had at the moment. Fake it till you make it was basically Dean's way through life by now and unless something drastic happened, he'd keep doing that until he made it.

With a deep breath to steel his nerves, and a tap of Baby's wheel for good luck, Dean swung the door open and climbed out his car, whistling merrily as he walked in through the front entrance and did his best impression of someone who wasn't hallucinating the feeling of their lost friends magic.

He thought he was doing great. He was getting one or two odd looks, but that was probably due to the song choice rather than people thinking he was insane.

The elevator was right there, but Dean decided to take the stairs up to Ethan's room, the exercise would do him some good and he really wasn't in the mood to be stuck in an enclosed space with a load of strangers. He didn't put it past himself to randomly start telling his hallucination to go away, and that would definitely get him sent to a psychiatrist, never mind the fact Dean didn't know if it would get any worse. Would it have morphed into a full blown hallucination of Cas by the time he got to Ethan's room? Who knew, he didn't, he wasn't going to risk it.

Just as he expected, he only met a couple of people on the stairs, most people choosing to take the elevators and those who he did see were too caught up in their own thoughts to pay much attention to what Dean was doing.

By the time he arrived at the door to Ethan’s room, his hands were shaking and the hallucination had still not progressed beyond the power, but the power had definitely become stronger. It was just a hallucination, but he could practically taste it in the air.

He didn't knock, assuming that Ethan would still be asleep, instead he just pushed the door open.

Surprisingly enough, the first thing he noticed was that everyone else was gone, and it was only Ethan and him in the room. For some reason, he even has enough time to wonder whether now would be a good time to talk to Ethan about the whole 'I like you, do you still like me" thing, before his brain properly registered what he was seeing.

Ethan was using magic.

And yet…

He knew that magic. He could never forget that magic.

He promised himself he never would forget that magic.

And yet even with that promise, he hadn't expected to see it again. Not really… And definitely not here, coming out of the hands of the second guy he'd ever loved. The guy he was changing everything for.

Dean's thoughts quickly jumped to the hallucination. The hallucination of the power which had appeared in the woods and then reappeared when he got closer to the hospital. It… wasn't a hallucination? It was real? And it was coming from Ethan?

He looked up, looking directly at Ethan and saw Ethan's eyes widen and his mouth open to say something. He didn't stay around. He had to get out of there, he needed to figure out what was happening.

Except… they weren't Ethan's eyes. Well, they were, Ethan hadn't just magically lost his eyes or anything. But they weren't just his. That was Cas' magic he had seen, that he had felt. Dean knew that. He would always know Cas' magic, and that was it. The only thing was, it was impossible to take someone else's magic. It was one of the basic facts, magic is within a person, you can't take it from them anymore than you could take someone's soul. It wasn't a tangible thing you could remove, it was pure energy. But if that was Cas' magic, that left only one option.

Ethan was Cas.

Cas was Ethan.

All this time. His best friend, the one he'd been waiting for all these years, he was right there.

And yet, Dean was running.

Before he even realised it, he was inside Baby and her tires were squealing as he practically flew as far from the hospital as he could. He was careful, making sure not to cause any accidents, but he was still not certain he should really be driving. He was probably too out of it to be doing anything safely, but he needed to get away and Baby was his best chance. Walking would take too much time which he didn't have. 

His mind was reeling, racing, refusing to believe what he had just felt yet not even able to form the thought that it wasn't real. Because it was. No matter how much it felt like a dream, it was real life and that was actually Cas' magic.

He didn't know why it felt so impossible to think about how that meant that was Cas. It just… he knew it was true but the thought wouldn't form. It was like as long as he only connected Ethan to Cas' magic, he might actually have time to figure out what was going on.

He didn't know at what point he decided to go to the park, in fact, Dean wasn't even sure he did decide to. But either way that's where he found himself, parking at the park and already knowing he would go back to the clearing - his clearing. Maybe it would help, maybe it wouldn't, either way he was here and at least he would have some quiet to sort his thoughts out in.

He just had so many questions. 

If Ethan was Cas all along, why didn't he say something? Why didn't he return to Dean as himself rather than as Ethan. Did he want to avoid Dean? But then why would he become Dean's friend? Why had he never used his magic in Dean's presence before? That would have solved this so much quicker, but then again. It still wouldn't have solved any of these questions. Did he still care about Dean? Did he ever care about Dean? Is this even still his Cas? Or did he not introduce himself because something happened to him and he was no longer himself at all? Okay… he knew that was a bit extreme… but worst case scenarios and all that jazz.

He just had so many questions and no answers.

And by this point, he was almost scared to think about what some of those answers would even be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeez I'm sorry, I just can't stop doing this to them.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again everyone!!  
> Hope you've all had an awesome week!!

It was about a week later that Ethan was released from the hospital. Dean hadn’t returned once and although he had asked all his other friends to check if he was alright, talk to him, all of the others said that they couldn’t get a hold of him. Every. Single . One. It was the same problem every time, he wouldn’t pick up, wouldn’t come to the door. The only person who had seen Dean all week was Sam, and even then he said that Dean would barely speak to him.

Ethan was worried, to put it lightly.

Dean knew, he knew that Ethan was his long lost friend, but that was all he knew. He didn’t know why Ethan hadn’t told him, he didn’t know why Ethan didn’t use his magic, he didn’t know anything other than the fact Ethan had been Cas all this time, and he hadn’t said anything.

Ethan was just thankful that his magic - whatever it was at it’s core - gave him faster healing than normal, and in what felt like forever, but was actually no time at all, he was released from hospital and allowed to go back home. He knew that his parents were still away, the house would be empty and quiet, but to be honest he was glad about that. No one would be there to watch him try to figure out his magic, and try to untangle the mess which ended up with him here, as Ethan instead of the Cas he should have been.

During the time he was stuck in the hospital bed, he had allowed his mind to wander a little bit. He only did it once or twice, not wanting to think about it too much just in case it became real, but he thought about what his life  _ could  _ have been. What today could have been if he had never become Ethan, if he had grown up with his real family as his real self. If he had grown up with magic, with Dean by his side and with none of this mess. What could he have been?

It’s not like he would ever know, but that didn’t stop him from wondering.

What if?

What if?

What if?

What if’s never got you anywhere, but that had never stopped Ethan before and from the look of it, it wasn’t going to stop him now.

He just couldn’t stop thinking, what if he had grown up as Castiel? Would he still be himself? Would he be a completely different person? Would he still love Dean? Would he, would he, would he. He would still never know, he would still not stop wondering.

He was extremely thankful by the time he was allowed to leave the hospital. Lying in a bed all day every day did not help his mental state. He just needed to be moving around and doing anything to distract his mind and keep his thoughts away from the truth.

Well, he needed to figure out the truth as well.

He had so much to do and no idea how to do any of it.

Should he tell people what he knew? But he barely knew anything and the hospital hadn’t said anything, so clearly Ethan was in the system and nothing looked weird there… so how had he gone from Cas, to kidnapped, to Ethan? So should he keep it a secret? But would Dean stay quiet? And surely he owed it to all the people who loved him all this time, to return.

He had so many questions, so many different problems which came together to make the almighty mess which was apparently his life. When he first moved here, his biggest worry was how he was going to make new friends and get used to living here. Now he had the entire mess of a false identity and something which probably went darker than just a kidnapping.

No one steals a child for no reason.

Especially not an eight year old with a fully functioning memory and the ability to tell the police. The amount of effort his kidnappers - he didn’t want to wonder if the kidnappers were his parents, or if he ended up in their care some other way. It was too early, there were still too many mysteries he needed to solve before he even started suspecting his parents - put into repressing his memory and at least partially his magic. It was too much for it to just be a spur of the moment decision.

Whoever took him knew exactly what they were doing, and exactly why they were doing it. Ethan just needed to figure out what it was.

Most of his friends - still excluding Dean - helped him with the move from the hospital to his house. Charlie drove him home seeing as even with his accelerated healing, he was still injured, and his car had been wrecked in the crash and Ethan didn’t actually know where it was now. He assumed it would be at a garage if it was salvageable, but no one had told him which one and he hadn’t gotten around to asking. By the time they made it to Ethan’s house, there were multiple cars parked outside, and his other friends were milling around. He could smell that someone - probably Benny knowing his friends - was cooking something delicious, while everyone else were doing odd jobs, including some cleaning which had accumulated while Ethan had been away.

He wondered for a moment if he should tell them all his problem, but even if he did decide to, now wasn’t the time. Everyone was here celebrating Ethan getting out of the hospital, now really wasn’t the time to confess that someone more than just Ethan had left the hospital.

Except… Saying it like that made it sound like Ethan and Castiel were different people. Like Castiel was some kind of disease he picked up while he was injured. But that wasn’t how it was, Ethan and Cas were one in the same and nothing had changed about that, Ethan just became aware of his old memories.

Maybe he should be trying to embrace this, instead of just ignoring it. Maybe he should accept that this wasn't going to go away, he had opened this can of worms and now he had to deal with it. Maybe he just had to realise that this really wasn’t a bad thing. After all, he had hated Castiel not that long ago for being the one thing standing between Dean and happiness. Now he realised that he was Castiel, so he was the only thing standing in Dean’s way, so he could change things.

He could make Dean happy.

He could solve everything.

If only Dean would actually talk to him.

Ethan could feel himself physically deflating, the mental reminder that Dean knew he was Castiel, and was now avoiding him because of it, felt like a physical blow to the face. 

It was almost funny wasn’t it. All this time he had stood in his own way, it had been Cas after all who Dean had felt like he was betraying by kissing Ethan, he had somehow been two sides of a love triangle. But now that he finally knew the truth, now he finally had a chance to break the love triangle apart, Dean was avoiding him.

Ethan didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or cry.

“Hey Ethan,” Kevin called, walking into the living room where Ethan was relaxing on one of the armchairs, “Is this yours? We found it just inside the door when we arrived.” Kevin was holding a rectangular object which Ethan couldn’t identify from that distance, so he held his hand out for it.

As soon as Kevin passed it over, he knew what he was holding. It was Dean’s sketchbook, no… It was Dean’s prized possession, Cas’ sketchbook. It was his sketchbook.

Dean had given him his sketchbook back.

He honestly couldn’t tell if this was good or bad. Was it a positive, a sign that Dean knew and was happy about it, or was it a negative? Dean returning the one possession he had left to try and cut all ties?

By this point, it could be either or, and Ethan knew the only way to find out would be to ask Dean. But that would involve Dean actually talking to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!!
> 
> Now, I'm not trying to be one of /those/ people, but I've not had an amazing day, and comments always make me smile, so no pressure or anything, but if you have time and don't mind, a comment would really make me smile.
> 
> ANYWAY!! See you soon I hope!!


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! I'm back!! Are you proud?? I've learnt how to post consistently and regularly!! Depending on how this Covid situation progresses, this might continue until the end of this fic!!
> 
> At the start I was updating pretty much once every two weeks, and look at me now, pretty much once every three days!!
> 
> ANyway!! You're not here to hear about posting schedules!! On with the story!!

Dean hated everything. 

He hated the fact that Cas and Ethan were apparently one person, but Cas hadn’t said anything to him, he hated that he didn’t know who had known all this time, and who had been tricked like him, he hated that he didn’t know who to trust now, he hated that he couldn’t even hate any of his friends properly, he hated that the bolt he was working on wouldn’t tighten properly.

He hated everything, but he didn’t even know what he hated most.

The bolt finally tightened and after checking everything he’d been working on that morning one more time, Dean put the spanner down and slid back out from under the car, squinting at the sky while he stretched the aches out of his back. He’d been under there for a couple of hours, wishing his thoughts were as easy to fix as a car.

A car was simple. It was routine. Every part had an algorithm to follow to fix or change and every problem could be fixed by replacing one part or fixing another.

Feelings however? They were millions times more complicated. You couldn’t follow an algorithm or some instructions, you had to ‘follow your heart’ which, what the hell did that even mean? How was he supposed to know what to do, when no one would tell him? Following your heart didn’t help when not even your heart knew what to do.

Dean couldn’t help the small smile as he took a few steps backwards and looked over the car. It wasn’t finished, not even close, but it was better than it had been at first. Better than it had been when Ethan - no, Cas - was pulled from it by paramedics after the crash.

It wasn’t done, but it was closer to being done that Dean’s tangle of feelings.

If he continued going at the pace he was going at the moment, he should have the car up and running by the end of the week. Saying that, he doubted that Bobby would continue to allow him to work on the car for much longer, he was just letting him help because Dean was not good at hiding when he was stressed.

By Monday Bobby would have actual qualified engineers working on the car, and Dean would be back at school.

Everything would be back to normal and Dean would have to act like his entire world hadn't just imploded in on himself. Like everything he had believed in hadn't turned out to be false. Like the metaphorical rug hadn't been dragged out from under his feet.

Footsteps echoed through the garage, warning Dean that someone was approaching. He knew it was Bobby, no one else was around but Bobby had some paperwork to do so had come in over the weekend, letting Dean in to mess around with some cars to hopefully calm himself.

"You done for the day?" Bobby asked, tossing Dean a rag to wipe his hands on, "I've finished the paperwork so if you don't have anything else to do, I'll lock up."

Dean nodded, not saying much as he walked out of the garage and climbed into Baby, waving goodbye to Bobby as he pulled out. Working on the car had definitely helped, but it still wasn’t enough. He was still drowning in stupid feelings which made no sense. He should be overjoyed! Cas had finally returned to him! So why did he only feel betrayed?

Why did he just feel like everything was ruined?

Why did he feel like this was a negative instead of the ultimate positive?

By the time he arrived back home, everything working on the car had done was gone and he was just as confused and messed up as he had been before.

Everything was bad, everything was wrong, and somehow the one thing he had hoped for most of his life, felt like the worst thing in existence.

He wanted to talk to Gabe, but he couldn't. He'd chased Gabe away and it hadn't even been that long since then, but it felt like it had been years. So much had changed since they had last talked, and by this time he wasn't even sure what anything was anymore.

He pulled his phone out, bouncing it in his grip for a minute, chewing on his lip as he tried to think this through. Gabe had stuck with him all these years, the likelihood was that this wouldn't be any different. If it was different and Gabe suddenly hated him, then he had brought it on himself and he should try to fix it, not just hide away.

He had to be a bigger person than before.

He had to be better.

Because, if he kept going the way he was, then where would he end up?

Before he could overthink it any more, he paused his bouncing of his phone and called Gabe. It rang three times, Dean's certainty dissolving a little bit more with each one, until Gabe finally picked up.

"Dean?" Gabe greeted him, sounding confused but happy, like he wasn't sure why Dean was calling him but was glad anyway. He sounded like he had never expected Dean to call again. Dean felt awful. He had done this, he had made his friend, the only one who had been by his side all this time, be wary. He had made his friend think he was going to leave him, even though they had been each other’s support systems all these years.

"I'm sorry," Dean said, his voice quiet but steady. He hadn't really thought things through when he had pushed Gabe away, he had just been angry and hurt. He thought Gabe was trying to move on, like it was a bad thing, and then Dean had gone on to do the exact same thing, except when he tried to move on he had just found Cas all over again.

Cas.

Should he tell Gabe?

_ Hey, you know your brother who has been missing for nine years? Yeah turns out he's Ethan and isn't dead after all. _

Yeah, he was not going to do that. He guessed it made most sense to leave it up to Ethan, if he wanted to say who he was, he could, and if he didn't then Dean wasn't going to force his hand.

"You have nothing to be sorry about kiddo," Gabe assured him, the words making Dean's eyes start to sting. After all these years, everything he did, everyone he pushed away just allowed him to come back. "Now come on, did you take my advice? Did you talk to the boy?"

Dean's eyes went wide and a humourless laugh bubbled up unbidden, "Well kinda," he muttered quietly, "I was going to tell him, but then everything suddenly got really complicated."

"Really?" Dean could hear that Gabe had no idea what he meant, but he wasn't going to press, not unless Dean offered up the information. He wasn't going to offer it up, but the fact that Gabe would be okay never knowing, made him smile lightly.

"Yeah, I don't know what's going to happen now," Dean continued honesty, "but it made me realise that I had pushed you away, and I needed to talk to you."

They talked for another fifteen minutes, catching up and talking about Cas for a bit, but Dean wasn't really fully there. It just felt weird, to be talking about Cas when he knew where he was.

"I'll talk to you soon Gabe," Dean promised as he hung up, a silent 'maybe sooner than you think' being added by his brain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!! Hopefully I'll see you soon!!


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a new chapter for you!! Hope you like it!!

Once Ethan was settled, and everything was in place, he was finally left alone. Charlie had offered to stay, actually Charlie, Benny, Kevin and Jo had all offered to stay, but Ethan had turned them all down, saying he wanted a bit of peace and quiet. It wasn’t a lie, he desperately needed some alone time, but it wasn’t for the reason they were all thinking.

They thought it was to get away from all the coddling due to his injury.

It was actually more like, he wanted space to figure out who he was and what he could do and maybe untangle some of this mess which was apparently his life now.

Yeah, he was not going to tell anyone about that. Not yet anyway. Thinking about it now, he really should tell someone soon. He had an entire family who had been mourning him for nine years, the least he could do was return to them soon, but they had been waiting nine years, hopefully a few days more wouldn’t ruin anything.

He just needed a few days. A bit of time. 

He had barely managed to get his own head around this mess, how was he supposed to explain it to anyone else?

Now that he was alone though, he knew what he had to do. He finally had the space to do what he’d been itching to do since Kevin had handed the sketch book over.

Gently placing the book on his lap, he started flicking through it, turning the pages with the same amount of care as Dean had last time Ethan had seen the book. Last time, on that one day. The last time Ethan had a civilised conversation with Dean, funny how quickly things could change. Every single picture was the same as last time, but they felt different. They held a different weight than before. These weren’t just drawings done by Dean’s old friend. These were done by Cas.

These were done by Ethan.

These were done by him.

These were done by his own hand, many years before, but each pencil stroke was done by very hand now holding the book.

Every single line, curve, hard press, soft press, colour, grey scale, every single one had been done by Ethan, by Cas, by him.

Looking carefully now, Ethan could see it. He could see the similarities between these drawings and the drawings he did now. He could see clearly that they had been done by the same person, even if it was two parts of the same person.

The nostalgia he had felt last time he saw these - the impossible feeling that had told him he knew these drawings even though he thought it was impossible - was back, even stronger than before. He could feel the story behind every picture, feel but not remember. He knew he drew these, could feel the pencil between his hands as he sketched and dreamed and improved, but he couldn’t remember it. Couldn’t remember where he was, who was with him, who he was.

The final drawing, the one of Dean drawing a cat, the one which had never been finished yet… Ethan sighed to himself. He was an idiot. Why hadn’t he seen this before? That day in art, he had drawn Dean. Not the Dean from this drawing, or… the Dean from this drawing but in a different setting. He was eating ice cream, and Ethan knew, even from his limited memory, that it had been real. He had drawn a memory.

All this time.

So many drawings.

So many memories he had dismissed as weird drawing inspiration. Even when he hadn’t remembered, he had drawn the truth, even when he'd been too blind to see it.

He jumped to his feet walking carefully, so he didn’t aggravate his injuries, but purposefully as he reached his room, grabbing his new sketchbook out and flipping to a new page. He settled down in his chair, propping the old drawing up in front of his for reference as he slowly started to sketch.

It didn't feel right to finish the old version, he still wasn’t that boy and wasn’t sure he ever would be, but he was Cas, and he was certain that this was what he wanted, so that was this. This was his sign. His promise to Dean that he may not be the same boy as was kidnapped all those years ago, but he was still Cas.

He still wanted Dean.

And he just hoped that Dean wanted him back.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

He sketched for hours, the lines strengthening and taking shape and growing.

His hand cramped, but he only allowed himself a moment of rest before he was back to it, grabbing his colours and starting to colour, shade, add depth and feeling to the drawing.

It wasn’t exactly the same as the original, small changes which you wouldn’t notice unless you knew the two pictures, other than the fact one of them was complete of course. Dean would be able to tell when each one was drawn, but a random stranger? They would probably say they were perfect copies of each other, one half done and one complete, but still the same in every other detail. It made Ethan - no. It made Cas smile, to see the picture finally being finished, see the image from his memory finally shape into the drawing it had always meant to be all those years ago.

It was getting dark by the time he finished, adding the last stroke of colour to young Dean’s hair before he leant backwards, stretching his back with a low groan. His back hurt from being hunched over his desk for hours, his hand hurt from gripping his pencils so tightly, his eyes hurt from staring so intently, but his heart had never felt lighter.

He had never felt freer.

Fishing his phone out of his pocket, Cas pulled up his text conversation with Charlie, sending a quick message asking if she had Gabriel Novak’s number. She didn’t ask any questions, probably assuming it was about Dean, just sent the number and waved off his thank you when he sent it, saying it was no trouble.

He thought about calling straight away, but it was late and he knew better than to try and have an important conversation while half asleep. This needed to be done face to face, but that wasn’t really possible, so a call would have to do, it was better than a text anyway.

Tomorrow, some point tomorrow, he promised himself as he locked his phone, crawling to his bed.

Tomorrow he would call Gabe, tell him the truth.

Tomorrow he would well and truly rise from the dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it!! Kudos and comments give me life!!


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, I'm sorry.  
> I just managed an actual schedule of sorts, but then I fell into a writing block hole and here I am... a day(?) late.... I don't even know... Have your chapter, I'm going to go and find a hole to crawl into. I really need to stop posting these while sleep deprived.

Ethan woke up slowly the next morning, his tired brain taking a moment to figure out what was going on. He had an odd sense of dread, but even with that nagging feeling that he’d forgotten something, once he remembered he wished he never had. Even with the annoying anxiety forgetting something gave him, he wished that he had never remembered and had stuck with that baseline anxiety instead of switching to the full on fear and confusion reality gave him.

He sighed as he looked around his room. It had only been his for the short months he had spent here, but it still felt weird realising he shouldn't have ever been here. This wasn’t where he was meant to be, Ethan wasn’t even who he was meant to be. Remembering that whole mess really had been fun. Everything he had ever known was a lie, and he had a feeling that only waking up after his parents had left was the only thing which had saved him.

He hated thinking about it, these were his parents he was supposed to trust them and love them and believe that they want what’s best for him. And yet here he was, questioning if maybe they were dangerous.

Then again, what kind of non dangerous couple have a stolen kid as their ‘biological’ child. If they had told him he was adopted, then maybe it would be understandable, but they hadn’t. They had told him he was their child. And yet he clearly wasn’t.

He dragged himself out of bed, groaning and trying to fight against the urge to just crawl back in. His life was too complicated, he just wanted to hide from it in the safety of his bed for just a little bit more. He practically sleep-walked out his room in search of breakfast, only smiling slightly when he saw the drawings still placed carefully on his desk. His past and his present, two drawings, two times, hopefully they would be merging soon.

Yeah, soon. Soon, that had been what he promised, Ethan doubted it was going to happen, he wasn’t very good at the whole self-encouragement thing, his mind just reminding him of all the things which could go wrong over and over again.

His past and his present would merge as soon as Ethan - Cas managed to find the courage and strength to sit down and make that phone call.

It wasn’t that he was procrastinating, except he definitely was. First there had been sleep, now there was breakfast and cleaning and he needed to do this and that and wherever he could find around the house which wasn’t making the phone call, to the point where he managed to avoid making it all morning, until he was trying to clean his desk and found the drawings sitting there.

It was quite funny actually. He avoided it for so long, doing anything he could to not have to make the call, yet that entire time he hadn’t forgotten it, not once, he just kept thinking about it, even as he did all his other tasks, thinking about what he was going to do and say and how Gabe was going to react.

Often the reactions he thought up were negative, his greatest fears coming out and making him imagine Gabe calling him a fake and yelling at him and hating him. Every new - and worse - situation made him dread the real call just a little bit more, made the thought of it just a little bit worse.

But he had made a promise to himself, and he was going to keep it. No matter how much he really didn’t want to.

He sank into his desk chair, knowing that if he didn’t do it right now, he never would. He spun his chair in a couple of circles, kicking at the floor to keep it going as he fished his phone out of his pocket. He slammed his feet onto the floor, stopping his spinning suddenly as the weight of this moment fully hit him. He was going to do this. He was going to call Gabriel. 

He was going to call his brother.

With a deep breath, and one last stare at his drawings, as though they would give him the strength he needed to do this, Cas pressed the call button.

It rang once, twice, three times, and Cas started to wonder if anyone was going to pick up or whether after all the build up, it would just ring out and he would be left with voicemail. And wouldn’t that just be the best voicemail to leave behind? Hey, sorry I missed you, I just wanted to let you know that I am your long lost brother, call me back when you can? Bye.

Yeah, he was not going to do that anytime soon.

The phone rang once more before the line clicked, a happy sounding voice floating down the line and making Cas feel like he was having an out of body experience.

“Hello,” the voice said, an obvious smile in his voice, making Cas freeze. This was him. This was Gabriel. This was his brother. The one he remembered from his dreams - his memories - the one he had loved and was just now realising, from hearing his voice, that he still loved. This was brother, and wasn’t that a thought Cas had never expected to think back when he was Ethan.

“Hello? Anyone there?” the voice continued - Gabe continued - and that was the moment Cas realised he hadn’t said anything yet, his side of the line had just been silent, even though he called first.

“Gabe?” Cas eventually managed to choke out. He couldn’t force out any words, but it was a start, it was something.

“Yes? Who is this?” Gabriel asked, and Cas could tell that he was getting to the end of his patience. Actually, Cas was shocked the call had lasted this long after he hadn’t said anything for so long.

“My name is-” Cas started. He just needed to say this, and then the truth would be out there. Gabe would know who he was, he would be Cas again. “Ethan,” Cas said quietly, “I- I think I have some information about your brother.”

“About Castiel?” Gabe asked breathily and Cas actually felt bad for not telling him the whole truth. He had tried it- it just hadn’t come out. It wasn’t the right way to say it, he just couldn’t tell it like this.

“Yes, I… I think I know what happened to him,” Cas whispered, feeling weird to be talking about himself in third person. “He’s alive. I think I know where he is.”

“He’s- he’s alive?” Gabe echoed and Cas could hear the tears in his voice. It shocked him to hear someone reacting like this to the fact he was alive, but then again, Gabe had probably never expected to hear from Cas again, even if he didn’t actually know it was Cas talking to him. “How do you know this? How did you get this number?” Gabe sounded suspicious, and hopeful? Like he desperately wanted to believe ‘Ethan’ but couldn’t quite.

“Charlie gave it to me,” Cas said quietly, “I’m her friend. And I know this because-” he breathed carefully, his gaze locked onto the young faces of his drawings. It’s now or never, and it has to be now.

“Because I’m Castiel.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Jazz hands**


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be honest... I didn't edit this... so please tell me if you see any mistakes.  
> I just really wanted to get this chapter posted! I'm also partway through the next chapter so we will see how things go but I might be able to double update today! I'll see.  
> ALSO I've got a complete plan for the rest of this fic!! Some of my chapter plans might split into two chapters, that has happened a couple of times, but I now actually know where this is going, and somehow there is an end in sight!!   
> Anyway, enjoy this chapter!! I'll hopefully see you soon!!

“Because I’m Castiel.”

The words ring through the line, complete silence following them from both lines and leaving Cas picking at his nails in worry.

Cas was about to open his mouth to say something more, maybe he would have asked if Gabe was still there, maybe he would have asked if Gabe was okay, but whichever it would have been, he never got to find out because it was at that moment that Gabe spoke up.

"Is this a joke?" Gabe hissed, his voice filled with nothing but hate and anger, "do you think it's funny to come here, get my hopes up, and then pull some kind of prank on me?"

"No, that's not it, I promise," Cas said quickly, tripping over his words in his haste to get them out.

"This is an awful prank to pull," Gabe muttered, clearly not believing a word that Cas was saying. "There is a difference between funny and cruel, and this is definitely cruel," Gabe scothed and Cas could tell he was about to hang up on him.

"Wait! Please don't hang up! I can explain everything," Cas begged, just needing to keep his brother on the line for long enough for him to convince Gabe he was telling the truth.

"You want me to continue to listen to your lies?" Gabe asked, disgust in his voice, "listen to your stupid prank."

"This isn't a prank," Cas muttered helplessly, "on the day I was taken, you had taken me and Dean to the park to get ice cream. You created an illusion of a rabbit before we left and always made illusions of whatever I asked you to. We made a game of it, I used to ask for more and more complicated illusions and you would manage them each time."

The line is silent again, but it's less of an angry silence this time, more of a wondering silence, like Gabe is trying to figure out if he was telling the truth or not.

"What did you ask me for every single time?" Gabe asked and Cas could tell this was a test. If he got this wrong he would not be given another chance.

Luckily for Cas, this was actually one of the things he remembered. If Gabriel had asked about one of the many things which Cas had yet to fully remember, then he wouldn't have been able to answer. And then Gabe would be certain he was lying.

"I always asked you to make a swarm of bees who would make shapes based on how they swarmed and I would guess what they were."

There is another block of silence down the line, but this time it was broken by Gabe's voice quietly uttering, "Cas?"

"Yes Gabriel, it's me, I promise this isn't a joke," Cas replied, feeling like he needed to make sure Gabe knew that this really was real.

"Where have you been all these years?" Gabe asked, his voice watery.

"Well I didn't remember any of this and I thought my name was Ethan,” Cas said with an empty laugh, “I didn’t use my magic and I spent my entire life - until now - living on the other side of America.”

“Wow,” Gabe murmured, “So you’ve sorted it out right? The people who took you are gone now?”

Castiel chokes on empty air, coughing a couple of times before muttering, “No, no, they’re still around. Well, they are away for work at the moment, but they don’t know I know yet.” 

There is silence again, and Cas grimaced. Okay, so now that Gabe said it like that he realised that he really needed to sort that out, but he'd been a bit busy with the whole 'I'm not who I thought I was' thing to worry about what he was going to do next. 

“Who have you told about your true identity?” Gabe asked after what felt like an eternity.

Castiel shifted in his seat, thankful that Gabe couldn’t see his blush, “I’ve told you, but I’m fairly sure Dean knows as well, he saw my magic and then-”

“Wait,” Gabe said suddenly, cutting Cas off, “Dean? Dean Winchester?”

“Yeah, I’m at least forty percent sure that he was the reason my magic woke back up, but that’s not the point.”

“You’re Ethan,” Gabe realised quietly, a chuckle echoing down the line, “This is the complication he was talking about.”

“Yes I am,” Cas replied, just a little bit confused, “I used to be anyway. I don’t know what complication it was, but I assume my identity did complicate a few things.”

“Wow, Dean really is an idiot,” Gabe hummed before quickly changing the subject before Cas could ask what he meant. They talked for a bit longer, deciding that Gabe would fly up to see Cas and hopefully help him solve the mystery of what happened.

“See you soon Gabe,” Cas said with a grin, barely even able to believe that this was his brother and he wanted to help him.

“See you,” Gabe replied, an obvious smile in his voice.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Cas paced hesitantly outside Dean’s house. The drive was empty and it was during the school day so Cas was fairly sure the house would be empty, he just had to gather the courage to walk forwards and post the drawing.

It was the new one, the one he had drawn the day before, the old one was still at his home on his desk, and he was terrified. What if Dean hated it? What if he saw it as an insult to his Cas’ memory?

What if he hated Cas?

What if he wished Cas had never returned?

His thoughts spiralled, getting worse with every new fear his brain decided to think of.

He needed to do this, if for no reason that for the answer. All he had to do was post one thing and go home and either Dean would be happy, or Dean would hate him. Simple enough and he would do it in a heartbeat if the stakes weren’t so high.

He didn’t ever want to lose Dean. But what if he already had?

He took a deep calming breath, staring at the envelope in his hands.

It would either go well or it would go badly, he couldn’t control that.

He walked forwards, stopping when he reached the door.

He could do this.

His heart practically beating its way out of his chest, he lent forwards and slipped the envelope under the door, pushing it with enough force that it would clear the doorway and wouldn't be stepped on when people got home.

It was done. He wasn't going to get that back.

Now he just had to wait, and hope, and wait some more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!!!  
> See you all later!!  
> Kudos and comments make my day and speed up my writing!!


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it guys!! Here is the second chapter I promised you!! And yes... I am back with the late night updates... I still really need to stop doing these... Anyway, chapter, here, enjoy!!

Dean drove slowly back from school, doubling back on himself and basically doing whatever he could do avoid going home. Sam had been nagging him for weeks to go and visit 'Ethan' and if he didn't stop soon Dean was certain he was going to do something he would regret later.

Something like admitting out loud that the person he'd been waiting for years to return had returned, but now he was too much of a wuss to go visit him.

Or talk to him.

Or in any way acknowledge that he existed and that Dean knew who he was.

And okay, maybe this wasn't the best way to deal with his problems, but he'd returned the sketchbook, now it was Ethan's move.

If he was still any sort of Cas, then that sketchbook was now his. If he decided he wanted to be Ethan and he hated the thought of being Cas, then Dean was still returning the sketchbook and Ethan could do what he wanted with it.

It wasn't like Dean could keep it.

It was Cas' book, Dean had just been looking after it, and now it was Cas' job to decide what happened next.

He had managed to stretch the normally short drive home to about thirty minutes before he pulled into his drive and finally had to return to his family.

He had homework to do, which he didn't really want to do at all and just ripping it up seemed like a great idea, but it would give him an excuse to hide away and not interact with people, so he would grit his teeth and do it.

And wasn't his life just a joke now? He wanted to do homework for the singular reason of hiding away. Not because he wanted to do well. Not because he didn't want to get in trouble. But because he didn't want to talk about it, but no one would leave him alone.

The door squeaked as it opened, the sound of his parents drifting through from the kitchen. He couldn't hear Sam, but he assumed he was probably in his room, possibly waiting for Dean to get home so he could nag him.

There was an envelope propped up on the stairs, his name written neatly on the front of it. He couldn’t figure out who had sent it to him, but he had the feeling that it was important, something about the way it was sitting on the stairs like that making him feel like the contents shouldn’t be taken lightly.

Just as he picked up the envelope, Sam came barrelling down the stairs, like he was summoned by Dean’s curiosity.

“Who’s this from?” Dean asked before Sam could even open his mouth to say anything. He assumed someone had given it to Sam - Dean had been avoiding all his friends after all, so they couldn’t exactly give it to him.

“No idea,” Sam said with a shrug, “I was hoping you would know, it was here by the time i got home from school.”

Dean frowned, trying to figure out who it could have been, when suddenly he froze.

He knew that handwriting. Saw it daily in Chemistry, saw it on every single pair task they did.

Without another word Dean started running up the stairs, the envelope held carefully in his hands. It was too light to be the sketchbook being returned, but he had no idea what else Ethan would want to send to him.

He could hear Sam behind him, yelling because he wanted to know what was going on, but he ignored him. This was between him and Ethan. Him and Cas. And until he knew what this meant, he wasn’t going to even think about telling anyone else, especially not Sam.

The bed groaned as he barrelled into his room, the door slamming shut behind him before he leapt onto his bed. He bounced a couple of times from the force of his jump before he managed to settle, the envelope still held protectively in the air. 

This was it. Whatever was in that singular envelope would - almost definitely - tell him how Ethan felt about this entire mess. He had no proof about that, for all he knew there could be a letter about how much he liked bees, but it did kind of feel like it was going to be more important than that, and Dean was willing to trust his gut feeling.

He gently set the envelope down on the bed, staring at it as he tried to convince himself to just open it.

All he had to do was open the envelope and look at the contents.

It was just… what if it was negative. What if it turned out to be Ethan telling him he never wanted to be Cas again. Why if it was Cas saying he now hated Dean?

But also…

What if it was Cas saying he wanted to be Cas. That he loved Dean. That he wanted to go back to how things were before.

Did he really want that?

Was that really the outcome he wanted?

He thought the answer would be yes, but looking at the situation now, with that as an actual possible outcome, he wasn't sure he did want that.

He sighed loudly, annoyed at his own uncertainty, as he finally ripped the envelope and tipped the contents out, his eyes screwing up of their own violation. He wanted to see what was inside. But he also really didn't.

All he had to do was look, but if it was something he didn’t want to see, he would never be able to unsee it.

He sighed even louder. He just had to open his eyes. No matter how long he took to look, the outcome would always be the same, so he might as well get it over with.

His eyes slipped open, instantly focusing on the drawing on the bed in front of him. It was the drawing from the sketchbook, just completed.

Except no it wasn’t.

It was redrawn. Nearly exactly the same, but still slightly different.

Ethan had drawn this, taken the drawing the old Cas had started, and had redrawn it, finishing this time. Same drawing, same artist, yet somehow different people.

Unless… Unless this was a sign. A sign from Ethan that he was still Cas. Slightly different, but whole, and him, and still the eight year old who promised to give him the picture.

If that was what this meant… then all Dean had to say about it was that he was right.

Ethan was Cas, his Cas, and no matter what the circumstances were, if Cas wanted to talk, Dean would happily listen, just like Cas used to always do for him.

It was time to stop avoiding the truth. It was time to appreciate the miraculous second chance he had been given, and embrace it.

Cas was back, so it was time for Dean to actually acknowledge that this was real, and no matter what it meant to Cas, it meant everything to Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked that!! As long as everything goes well I will see you guys in three days!!


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sup everyone!! I'm back with a new chapter!!!  
> Thanks to everyone who has left comments on this fic!! I love reading every single one of them!! You guys make my day so much brighter every time!!

Castiel sighed as a loud knock woke him up. He’d been having a lovely dream, bright colours and joyous smiles, Dean by his side and his family there as well. The kind of life he should have lived if he hadn’t been taken away.

He closed his eyes, sleep starting to slip back over him, dragging him back to the dream, before the knock came again, louder than before. Clearly whoever was at the door didn't care about the time, they were there and they wanted to be answered.

Cas had no idea who it would be, he didn’t get many visitors to the house, even when his parents were home, and with them away there was no reason for anyone to come. His friends would text before coming round and no one else really cared about his existence.

The knocking continued, so Cas pulled a warm hoodie over his pyjamas and walked downstairs, holding onto the banister as he waited for his body to get used to being awake. Most of his injuries from the car crash had healed already, his magic speeding it up enough that most of them hadn’t even scarred. However, he still had a few aches and pains left over, a fair few of his joints attacking him every time he moved, but even they would be sorted out soon with a bit more rest and the help of his magic.

The door was locked so Cas had to grab the key from the hall before he could even start letting the knocker in. While he was grabbing it, he peeked out the window, his breath escaping him in a whoosh when he saw who was out there.

They were short, with golden blonde hair down to their shoulders, bright clothes, and a lollipop in their mouth, and even with the age changing their face and time shifting the memories which Cas had only even started to access recently, Cas knew exactly who it was.

Running back to the front door Cas shoved the key into the lock, having to try multiple times before he managed to get it in because his hand was shaking so much. By the time the door swung open tears were pooling in the corners of his eyes, sliding down his face the second he met the gold flecked eyes of his brother.

“Gabriel,” he whispered, taking a small step backwards, just far enough for his brother to get inside and for him to let the door fall closed, “it’s you.”

Gabe seemed to be in an equal state of shock, his eyes wide as they flickered from one part of Cas to the other, from his eyes to his hair to his hands and his feet, like he couldn’t believe that he was truly seeing his brother grown up.

“I believed you,” Gabe whispered, his voice hoarse, “on the phone, I knew you were telling the truth, but seeing you here,” his voice trailed off, his eyes shining as they locked onto Cas’ equally glassy ones, “It actually is you, you actually are here, you actually are alive.”

Castiel nodded, reaching up to wipe some of the tears off his face, “It really is me,” he whispered, his voice just as thin as Gabe’s had been, “I’m back.”

They jumped together, pulling each other into a tight hug, arms squeezing and breath escaping, but neither brother let go, even as their tops began to dampen from tears and sobs turned to hiccups, they never let go.

“I missed you,” Gabe whispered, breaking the silence, after what could have been minutes, hours or days, no one had been counting, “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too,” Cas said with a small grin, “I didn’t realise it, but I was always missing people, and now that I’m meeting people from my old life, I realise it was them I’ve been missing all this time.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Castiel curled up on the comfiest armchair in the living room, a cup of cocoa which Gabe had made for them - he had a special recipe which he had perfected over the years. Cas had to admit it was the best cocoa he’d ever drank - and was just waiting for Gabe to sit down before they continued their conversation. After their teary greeting, they had moved to the living room for Cas to explain everything that had happened while he was Ethan. He had finished explaining everything that had happened so far, when Gabe had announced that he needed cocoa before they could continue this.

“Alright then,” Gabe started from where he was sitting, his own mug cradled in his hands, “So you don’t know why they took you yet?”

Cas shook his head, staring at his hands so that he didn’t have to look at Gabe, “No idea, but I think it was something to do with my magic. I can’t see any other reason for them to keep it locked away. I’ve spent all this time thinking they were my real parents, my magic wouldn’t have changed that.”

“Maybe they were worried that your magic would remind you what had happened?” Gabe suggested, squinting into the distance as he tried to add all the clues they had together, to figure out what was going on.

“Maybe,” Cas agreed, “That was what happened in the end, but I feel like things would have been different if it hadn't been locked away for so long, I think it would have been just as clueless as me if it hadn’t been locked away, so all it knew was my past.”

Gabe hummed for a moment before asking, “It specialised right?”

“I think so,” Cas admitted with a shrug, taking a sip of his cocoa before he admitted, “I don’t actually know. I haven’t used it for so long, I’m scared about what it might do.”

Gabe was silent for a moment before he said, “So you don’t know what your magic does?” Castiel silently shook his head, so Gabe continued, “In that case I would say that it’s our best bet to assume that’s what they were after. Whatever your power is, it must be important.”

“But how would they be able to tell?” Cas butted in, “They stole me years before I would have specialised, and I haven’t used my magic since then, how would they have known I had the magic they wanted?”

Gabe thought for a moment before saying, “Colours.” When Cas just looked confused, he clarified. “The colours of our magic means stuff. Not exactly what we will be able to do, but Dean’s was green so we all knew he would be to do with plants, mine was gold so everyone always knew it would be to do with visions - just like all versions of yellow are - I just turned out to be able to bring them to life to create illusions.”

Cas nodded along, “Wait, so what does blue mean?”

“That’s the thing,” Gabe sighed, “We couldn’t figure it out. Blue is normally water related, but even unspecialised we could tell your magic wasn’t anything watery, so we were just going to wait until you specialised to find out.”

Castiel blinked a couple of times, “Well then, I guess we know why I was taken. All we have to do now is find out what I actually can do,” he sighed as he said it, trying to figure out how he was going to do this. Most people had been doing magic since they could talk, since it was just a few sparks and couldn't do much more than a dim light in the dark. And sure, Cas did that too, but eight years of sparks and then eight years of nothing did not give him much confidence for being able to control fully specialised, fully powered, unknown magic.

“That's not all we have to do,” Gabe said. Cas opened his mouth to add all the other things he knew they had to do, Gabe continued before he could say anything, “Dean.” Castiel blinked a couple of times, squinting at his brother. “You need to talk to Dean,” Gabe elaborated, “This isn’t negotiable. I’ll help you with all of this, but you need Dean as well.”

Cas didn’t even bother arguing. He knew it was true. He needed Dean just as sure as he needed food and water. “Alright, I’ll talk to Sam, see if he can figure out where to find him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this is a good chapter to tell you all that YOU ARE AWESOME!!! Thank you so much for reading this fic of mine, I wasn't expecting that many people to like it, but looking at the number of kudos... I'm just shocked.  
> Anyway... Thank you guys more than I can express in typed words!! Hope you enjoy this chapter!!

Dean was sat in his clearing again. He had found himself coming here increasingly often since Ethan had been in hospital, and now that he knew about Cas and was avoiding everyone to try and stop them from talking to him, he was here even more.

He was certain now that he was happy with Cas being back, but that didn’t mean that he was used to it, nor ready to talk to him. It was no longer anything to do with Cas, no longer the lies or Dean trying to avoid the truth.

Nope. He’d been ready to go and talk to Cas and sort this out.

But then he had remembered something. And suddenly, he wasn’t ready all over again.

Even if he wasn’t any more, he used to be a bully. He’d picked on innocent people, he’d been friends with Ruby, Lilith, and Alistair. He’d been the exact opposite of a nice person, and the exact opposite of a person who deserved their friend to come back.

So sure, Cas was back now. But he wasn’t back for Dean and Dean knew that if he tried to go back to him, well, one of two things would happen. Either Cas would tell him to go away, or he would let Dean stay and he would ruin Cas. Two times Cas had been hurt, and both times it had been when Dean had let him into his heart. He didn’t think he could survive watching Cas get hurt a third time, and he wasn’t sure Cas could survive getting hurt another time either.

So Dean was still avoiding Cas, and in doing so he needed to avoid Sam as well, and everyone else just to be on the safe side.

Shame he somehow forgot how to be alone, that would have been a good thing to still be able to do right about now.

With a sigh that echoed around all the plants in the clearing, Dean lay back, the slightly damp soil was cooling behind his back, while he dug his fingers into it, opening the magic cycle between him and the plants, allowing their peace to wash over him as his power healed them and helped they grow tall and strong. A few flowers started blooming, filling the area with the fresh scent of pollen, and some birds chirped as they flew over.

He could hear some footsteps, but he didn’t react, expecting whoever was walking nearby to walk straight past, people using magic wasn't exactly a big deal and no one would think twice at seeing him laying in the dirt glowing green.

Okay. People would probably think he was either insane or an alien, but either way they wouldn’t bother him and they would probably not be too worried when they felt his magic.

What he wasn’t expecting was a familiar, gravelly voice to echo around the hollow when the footsteps stopped a few metres away from him.

“Hello Dean,” Ethan said, making Dean jump, a few roots breaking through the soil. He paused what he was doing for a moment to stare at the roots. He knew that he had done that, what he didn’t know was how. Could he control roots? Is this what he could do if he did more than just sharing his magic with the plants? If he actually tried to do something with it?   
  
Shaking his head to stop his buzzing thoughts, Dean turned to look at Ethan - Cas - his face a confusing mixture of a smile and a grimace. He didn’t know how Cas had found him, but he guessed that it meant no more avoidance for him. He actually had to talk this out now.

“You gave me a heart attack,” he sighed instead of saying any of the things in his head, hoping it wouldn’t be awkward if he acted like everything was fine, “warn a guy before you randomly appear and scare people.”

Cas looked perplexed for a moment, looking down at where Dean was still lying on the ground. The sun was behind Cas, framing him in golden light and making Dean have to squint, like he was looking at something more than a mere human.

“I’m sorry,” Cas rumbled, dropping down onto the ground so he was sitting crossed legged in front of Dean, breaking any illusion of him being a higher being and leaving behind just Ethan - good old simple kind Cas. “I will try and walk louder in the future.”   
  
Dean was unable to hold back a laugh, Cas just sounded so serious, like he was actually planning to walk louder so that he didn’t startle anyone. Knowing Cas, he probably was. Knowing Ethan, he probably was. Knowing both of them were one person, he definitely was. Dean was seriously wondering how he hadn’t figured it all out earlier, even after nine years and a different upbringing, Cas was still Cas through and through.

“Don’t ever change,” Dean said with a laugh which quickly died down. Who was he to tell someone to never change? He changed more often than Sam changed books, and Sam was a quick reader.   
  


“I still care about you,” Cas said quickly, his gaze directed at the ground instead of at Dean. Dean was glad, he wasn’t sure he was going to survive this conversion if he had Cas’ bright blue eyes locked on him.

Dean just snorted. “Why? I’m a horrible person and I was shocked enough when Ethan didn’t hate me. Now I know that you are Cas as well,” he shrugged slightly, shifting his gaze to the sky, “I know I’ve done nothing to deserve the care of someone as amazing as you.”

There was a shuffling noise next to him, and next thing Dean knew Cas was standing right next to him, towering over him again, his bright blue gaze glaring down at him with righteousness and anger in his gaze.

“Shut up,” he growled, “you’re a good man Dean Winchester, and you don’t get to decide whether you deserve care from me or not, I do. And I have decided that you do deserve it.”

Dean blinked up at him helplessly, not sure how to respond to that. Did Cas really not hate him? Could Dean really be that lucky?

“I’ve always cared for you,” Cas continued, softer now, “Always cared for you a bit more than friends, and that never changed. Even when I couldn’t remember you. There had always been a gap in my heart, and only recently did I realise it was there for you.” His voice was little more than a whisper by the end, but Dean heard every word, and felt each one like a tight hug mixed with a punch to the gut.

“I’ve always cared for you too,” Dean whispered back, his voice rough but the words still fairly clear, “Cared about you a little more than friends. That’s why I pushed you away before. I cared about you - about Ethan - in a way I’d only ever cared about Cas. It scared me I guess.”

Cas smiled softly, dropping back onto his knees so he could pull Dean into a tight hug. “You don’t have to be scared any more,” he whispered, “I’m here, properly here, and I’m going to stay by your side whatever happens.”

Dean nodded, reaching a hand up to wipe his slightly damp cheek. “Me too. I’m with you, no matter what happens.” And he really meant it. No matter what happened, no matter what caused Cas to be here as Ethan, no matter who took Cas or what they had to do to get him back properly, Dean would be by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!! Here is the fluff I promised!!


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... this chapter is unedited... I'm sorry, I just had a busy day but really wanted to give you a chapter, so here we are.  
> If you see any mistakes, please point them out in the comments!!  
> Hope you enjoy!!!

Castiel was normally pretty unbothered by how long his parents spent away on business trips. Sometimes, he was even annoyed by it, being left in a too big house, on his own, for weeks at a time. They always expected him to look after himself, and sure, he could, but sometimes he didn’t want to. This time though, he was glad his parents were going to be away for a while. He had no idea what he would do if they came back now, with Gabe staying in one of the guest rooms, and Cas almost completely healed from the car crash which had only been a few weeks ago, not nearly long enough for a normal person to recover.

Not to mention they were almost certainly the cause of Cas thinking he was Ethan for nine years, so he really couldn’t trust that they wouldn’t ruin all his progress and cause him to forget everything all over again. 

He couldn’t do that.

No matter what happened, he refused to forget again. After all this time, he finally had everything back, and he would sooner die than go back to his normal life with no knowledge of everyone here.

There was a knock on the door, but Castiel ignored it. Gabriel would go and check the door, Cas had more pressing concerns. Namely, how he could learn to use his magic without hurting anyone. He didn’t even know what his magic did, so it would be hard to control it when he didn’t even know what he was controlling. 

“Cassie!” Gabe yelled up the stairs, the old nickname making Cas smile, a warmth blooming in his chest. It made him feel noel again, like he hadn’t been kidnapped at a young age and like he hadn’t spent the last nine years with no idea who his brother was. It felt like he was just a normal kid with an annoying brother.

He liked it.

He really liked it.

He walked down the stairs, passing Gabe half way down. That meant it must have been someone they knew at the door, he doubted Gabe would have left any random person unattended on the doorstep.

Cas hoped he wouldn’t have anyway.

“It’s your boyfriend,” Gabe said as they passed each other, “He said he wanted to talk to you.”   
  
Castiel rolled his eyes but didn’t argue, carrying on downstairs to see what Dean had to say. Things were kind of weird between them, both of them liked each other, but neither of them really wanted to do anything about it yet. Cas wanted to sort out the mess which ended up with him here first, and although he didn’t know why Dean was waiting, he got the feeling Dean needed a bit more time. He still felt like he didn’t deserve Cas’ love after all that he had done, and needed to sort that before they could date.

Even with both of them waiting, Castiel spent half his time wishing he could kiss Dean, and the other half wishing he could pull Dean into his arms and never let him go. They had sent years apart, and now Cas didn’t want to waste a single moment they could be together.

“Hello Dean,” he greeted his friend as he reached the door, smiling wide, just like he always did when he saw Dean. Every night he remembered a little bit more of his old life, and every bit more he remembered just increased the love and affection he felt for Dean. He hadn’t though it was possible, but each day that passed he felt a little more.

“Hey Cas,” Dean grinned back, only pausing for a moment after saying hey to try and figure out what name to use, which was a big improvement from before. Although Dean had known of Cas forever, he just wasn’t used to connecting that name to the seventeen year old in front of him. For him Cas was a little eight year old who he never saw grow up, and the seventeen year old was Ethan.

"Gabe said you wanted to talk to me?" Suddenly realising that they were still talking on the doorstep, Cas took a few steps back, waving Dean in and closing the door behind him.

"Ummm, yeah," Dean replied, looking at the floor instead of at Cas. "I was just thinking, you don't know how to use your magic right?"

"Yes, that's right, I'm trying to figure out a way for me to learn without hurting anyone, but I haven't thought of anything."

"Well I was just thinking," Dean started, one of his hands coming up to rub the back of his neck while the other played with the hem of his shirt.

"Thinking? Don't hurt yourself," Cas joked, hoping to calm his friend down a bit.

Dean looked slightly offended for a moment, before he grinned and muttered, "Asshole. Anyway, do you want to work on our magic together? We could go to a field or something without anyone else who could get hurt, and practice magic."

Cas grinned, that did sound like something he wanted to do. There was just one issue with the plan.

"What if one of us hurts the other?"

Dean looks slightly embarrassed, shifting from foot to foot with a bright red blush staining his cheeks, as he said, "well, I don't know about you, but I don't think my magic would hurt you. Even if I couldn't control it."

Cas blushed as well, the implications of their magic not being able to hurt the other filling his mind. It should be impossible, for magic to be choosy like that, but Cas knew what he felt, and his magic was as fond of Dean as he was. His magic recognised Dean, and Cas knew that it would never hurt him, even if Cas tried to.

He wouldn't, but the point was still there.

"I'd like that," he said quietly, a smile spilling across his face as Dean smiled back. "Do you have a place in mind?"

"Yeah I do actually, are you free now or should I come back another time?"

Now?

They were going to learn how to use their magic now? Cas could feel himself freeze up slightly at Dean's words. He wasn't ready to use his magic, he'd just break stuff and hurt people, he didn't even know what it did for goodness sake, how was he supposed to control it?

"Hey, it's okay," Dean said, clearly noticing Cas' fear, "it doesn't have to be anytime soon, we can wait as long as you need before we try this."

For some reason, that was all Cas needed to hear.

"No it's okay, let's do it now," Cas said, his voice steady, even as a fair amount of fear still ran through him.

Dean was going to be there. They would do this together. Everything was going to be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it!!  
> Kudos and comments mean the world to me!!  
> Have an amazing day/night!!!


	42. Chapter 42

Dean smiled softly, sneaking glances at Ethan - Cas - as they walked up the drive together, piling into Baby so that Dean could drive them both somewhere to practice their magic. Dean was planning to take them to the clearing, hopefully if he asked the trees, they would be able to create a force field of sorts for Dean and Cas to practice inside, so that they didn't destroy anything or hurt any passerbys.

The second the doors closed and Dean started Baby up, Cas' eyes went a bit glassy, like he wasn't fully there. Dean started driving anyway, assuming that Cas would have told him if something was wrong, but that didn't stop him from glancing at Cas every chance he got, making sure he was still okay.

And alright, maybe he still couldn't fully believe that he was back and right next to him, but it was mainly just checking he was fine.

They were almost halfway to the park before Cas blinked a couple of times, his eyes clearing as he looked around, disoriented.

"Dean?" he said slowly as he tried to look at Dean.

"Yeah," Dean replied, glancing over quickly, "is everything okay? Do I need to turn back?"

"No, no, I'm fine," Cas muttered, a confused expression spilling across his face, "I think your car just triggered a new memory."

"Oh yeah? What was it?"

"We were sitting in the back seat together, we looked about five years old, both your parents in the front and Sam in a booster seat next to the window. I think we were going to the beach? I just remember being excited."

Dean grinned, a content feeling sinking into his bones as he thought back on that day. "I remember that. You weren't meant to be coming, but I begged my parents until they would let you come along, they made some joke about us being together forever, but I didn't really think about it, too happy that you were coming with us."

He saw a soft smile spread across Cas' face, whether that meant he remembered the context or he just thought it was cute Dean didn't know, but either way he was smiling and Dean was shocked to realise that he missed that smile. Even if it had only been a few weeks since he had last seen it.

"Did that happen often?" Cas asked, his voice slightly weird, like he felt a bit weird talking about himself like this. Dean had to agree, it was kind of weird, but it was still nice to talk about.

"Oh yeah, all the time. If we ever had to go to separate places we would try to bring the other along, and the few situations when that wasn't possible we would be sad the entire time until we got reunited," Dean sighed happily, "we or better as we got older, but we would still spend most of our free time together."

Cas' smile only grew the more Dean talked, "I'm looking forward to remembering more," he said, his voice little more than a whisper, "it sounds amazing."

A comfortable quiet settled over them for the rest of the drive, the music playing quietly between them as the gentle purr of Baby filled the rest of the silence. It was one of those quiets which could have been super awkward, but when it was with Cas nothing had ever been awkward, and it seemed like that hadn't changed."

The park was fairly quiet when they got there, the grass a bright green from the sunlight shining down on it, and the air had a crisp freshness in it. They only passed a few people - mainly dog walkers and a few small families - on the way to the clearing, the number of people decreasing the further into the park they went.

"This was where you were practising your magic," Cas said as they walked into the clearing, his words causing Dean to pause.

"That was you?" Dean asked in surprise, "the person in the woods was you?"

"Yeah, that was basically what kick-started my memory. I already had my magic back, and I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't figure out exactly what it was until I saw you doing magic and I started to remember."

Dean's eyes widened, a million different thoughts dancing round his head too fast for him to even catch a single one of them. The most prominent one of all though was simple.

Why had his magic triggered Cas' memory? Did he even want to know?

That was such a stupid question.

Of course Dean wanted to know.

"Should we start?" Cas asked just then, breaking Dean's thought train and bringing him back to the present. He could think more about all this later. For now, he had magic to do.

"Yeah, how much of your magic can you access right now? You don't need to control it, just access it."

Cas clearly thought for a moment, his eye going unfocused as he seemed to check his magic. "Quite a bit, I don't know how you measure magic, but probably enough for whatever you are planning."

Dean nodded happily, grabbing Cas' hand without even thinking as he dragged him towards one of the trees.

"Alright, here's what we are going to do. Give the tree some magic, thinking about how you want to make a force field as you do so. If it works then the trees should be able to make a shield for us to practice behind."

Cas' face seemed to light up, "perfect," he grinned, "that should work perfectly."

Dean nodded happily, laying one of his hands on the tree's bark, sending his magic through his arm into the very core of the tree. His eyes were tightly closed, trying to tell the tree what he wanted for once, instead of just letting the tree do what it wanted. He could feel Cas doing the same next to him, the crackle in the air as both of them tried to use their magic on a more controlled level than before.

He felt something in the air change, a shift in their surroundings which caused him to slowly open his eyes, a happy smile escaping him when he saw the green and blue seedling done stretched between the trees.

"It worked," Cas breathed beside him, clearly shocked that he had been a part of making it. "We did that!"

Dean grinned, "yeah we did, and now it's time for us to do so much more!"

Cas' laugh rang in the space between them, filling Dean with a weird mix of nostalgia, joy, and loss. He couldn't figure out which one he felt most, so he decided to leave it, closing his eyes and allowing himself to enjoy the moment for what it was.

It was a miracle.

Cas' miracle.

Dean's miracle. 

And no matter how he felt, Dean was glad. He had never expected to be in this situation, doing magic with his best friend who he never expected to see again.

It was perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *That noise shark films make when the shark is slowly getting closer*


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello I'm back and I have a chapter for you lovely people!!  
> It's been a while since I last said it, so just so you know, thank you to all of you who are reading this!! You are all awesome and literally the only reason I didn't abandon this fic back in March.  
> I hope you like this chapter!!

"Ready?" Dean asked, walking backwards into the middle of the clearing. The slightly damp earth was sinking where he stepped, leaving a trail of footsteps for Cas to follow. It felt significant, following Dean’s footsteps into the very centre of the clearing, ready to do magic, yet still he didn't move. He didn’t know if it was because he was scared, scared about what his magic could do, or scared to do something he had never done before. Despite only having a tiny bit more experience with magic that Cas had, Dean looked at ease where he stood, the green and blue barrier surrounding him on all sides as his hands started to spark.

Castiel nodded, then shook his head, then nodded again. To be honest he had no idea if he was ready or not. Creating that barrier had been the most exhilarating thing he had done for a while, the weird feeling of pins and needles which spread over his entire body only adding to the rush of doing magic. And yet, he wasn’t sure if he could do it on his own. What if he hurt someone? What if he couldn’t do anything? What if the whole experience left Cas feeling bitterly disappointed.

But then again, every time he felt the sparks jump, every time he saw even a glimpse of what he now might be able to do, it gave him an adrenaline rush better than the biggest roller-coaster. Even if all he could do was make a few leaves fall off the trees, wouldn’t it all be worth it? It would still be who he was, it would still be a part of him, and having it back would still be worth it.

He didn’t know how he had lived this long without using it, the years which had passed without him trying to use his magic now just felt like a waste, like a filler year while he waited for his life to really begin. But now he had it back. Now his life was really starting again, and he had a lot to do, a lot to work through, but bit by bit he would work through it all, and first things first he was going to work hard to get his magic under control.

And then everything would be exactly how it was meant to be.

“Yes,” he said firmly, following Dean’s footsteps into the middle of the clearing, creating his own set just to the side, to stand next to Dean. There were now two sets of footprints, both leading to the same place. Two sets of footprints, two boys ready to take their magic back as theirs. “Let’s do this.”

A wide grin split Dean’s face, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he grabbed Cas’ hand and squeezed tightly. He slowly reached his free hand out, reaching out to the nearest tree and scrunching his face up in concentration. Cas watched with his breath held as he waited for something to happen, for Dean to use his magic, to see what he could really do beyond just knowing that he had a connection to plants.

His hand started sparking and Cas could feel the other boy's magic like an electric current right next to him, but for a moment nothing happened. Cas could see that Dean was about to give up, a frustrated frown taking over his face.

“You can do it,” Castiel encouraged, squeezing Dean’s hand tightly, “I believe in you.”

Dean nodded quietly, the sparks around his hand increasing in brightness and number, when suddenly there was a loud groaning sound and the tree Dean had been pointing at started to move, one branch starting to reach out until it’s very tip was pressed against Dean’s hand.

The clearing seemed to go still for a moment, both boys seemed to just freeze, the trees seemed to stop moving in the breeze and even the birds seemed to stop singing.

It only lasted a second before everything was back to normal, it was as though nothing had ever happened, except for the tree which was still stretching to the middle of the clearing, and the green sparks which were still fading from Dean’s hands.

“Wow,” Cas muttered quietly while Dean broke out into a pleased laugh, gently stroking the tree tip. His eyes were bright and Dean could tell that Dean hadn’t actually expected that to work. He kept on blinking hard, looking between Cas and the tree, squeezing Cas’ hand, and reaching out to touch the tree he had made move. Cas could see that Dean was overwhelmed so stayed quiet, smiling happily and squeezing Dean’s hand back whenever he thought it was needed.

They stayed like that for what could have been five minutes, Dean trying to get his head around all this and Cas waiting patiently for him to be ready, before Dean quietly said, “your turn?”

Cas stood frozen for a moment, unsure if he was really ready for this, but Dean squeezed his hand reassuringly with a promise that he would be right by his side so Cas took a few deep breaths and nodded.

“But I don’t know what I can actually do,” Cas said quietly, “I don’t know what to focus on.” Dean let go of his hand, stepping to the side so that he was standing in front of Cas, his hands on Cas’ shoulders. 

“Cas,” he said, his tone serious as he peered into Cas’ eyes, his green gaze too piercing for Cas to look away from, “It doesn't matter. Focus on your magic, focus on how you feel, and we will figure out what you can do together.”

“Together?”

“Together.” There was an unmissable promise in Dean’s voice and hearing it made Cas relax, if only a little bit. Dean didn’t make promises lightly, that much was clear, and Cas knew that if Dean was promising to help him figure this out, that meant he would help figure it out, no matter what happened.

“Alright,” Cas sighed, stretching both his arms out to the sides, “alright, I can do this.” He could feel a slight tingling starting, pins and needles starting at his fingertips and slowly spreading down his arm. It was uncomfortable, trying to focus on his magic when there was so much feeling coming from everything else, but he just shut his eyes, focused on the steady sound of Dean’s breath and the warmth in his sternum which was slowly spreading outwards.

He didn’t know what he was doing, he didn’t even know what he wanted to do, but he could feel the sparks starting to form at his fingertips, the blue manifestations of his magic dancing through the air as his magic started to gather enough power to do something.

Just like before, the woods seemed to freeze, even the wind seemed to go still, even as animals started to gather on the edge of the force field, attracted by the slowly growing force hidden behind the blue and green.

It felt like something was about to happen. Something big. And no one would even realise how thankful they should be there was a force field keeping it contained.

Castiel was oblivious to all of this. He didn’t see the animals, nor did he notice how silent everything had become. He was focused on the warmth inside of him, the gentle sound of Dean’s breathing, the sponginess of the ground underneath him.

Something inside of him released, his power starting to spread outwards, escaping in a flurry of light and sound and power.

An almost searing warmth appeared on his back, causing a choked off shout to escape from his lips until it calmed slightly, settling down into more of a gentle warmth.

He could feel his magic surrounding him, gentle feather light touches to his back, twirling around his feet, shining in his eyes, crackling through his hair.

He couldn't see Dean, but he knew he was there, he could feel his presence, even while the force field blocked the rest of the world from his senses.

"Cas!" The word echoed through the clearing, loud yet quiet at the same time. "Cas you have to turn it off! You have to get it under control!"

Dean sounded concerned, but Castiel couldn't figure out why.

Nothing bad was happening.

He had his magic back.

It was filling all his senses, filling him up, just like it was supposed to.

"Cas you have to come back to me, please."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Evil laughter*  
> I'm actually not sorry this time....


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry guys! I have no idea what happened. I had this chapter all written up yesterday, but I just forgot to post? I don't even know. But it is here now, and you will still get the next chapter on the day you would have got it if I wasn't late, (so Friday)  
> I hope you enjoy this one!!

Magic wasn't bad.

But it wasn't good either.

Magic just was. Like water, or fire, air, earth. 

Sure, they could destroy, they could kill and hurt and obliterate everything in an area within seconds.

But they weren't bad.

It was just how they were.

They were natural.

They created and destroyed at the same time and no matter how hard you tried, they couldn't be tamed.

Magic was a bit like that.

It could create, it could destroy, and it all depended on who was using it and how. 

And, just like those natural elements, they could easily drag you under if you allowed them to. If you didn't respect then, and be careful, you could easily lose yourself in them.

"Cas, please!" Dean yelled, his voice starting to go hoarse. Cas' magic was powerful, so powerful that after spending so long locked away with no way to escape, it had gone crazy. As soon as Cas had tried to use it, all of its pent up power had escaped, trying to drown Cas and filling the force field.

Dean had never been more thankful that they had decided to add that extra layer of protection.

"Cas," he yelled again, but just like all the other times Cas didn't react, just carried on staring out into the distance while blue flames surrounded him and blue wings which seemed to be made of light wrapped around his shoulders. The flames didn't seem to be burning, and the wings seemed more like illusions than solid wings, so at least that was one less thing for him to worry about.

“CASTIEL I DIDN’T WAIT NINE YEARS JUST FOR YOU TO BE CONSUMED BY YOUR OWN POWER,” Dean screamed, unable to keep it in any longer.

This time something happened, a flicker in the power, only small, but the magic felt just a tiny bit less uncontrollable. Taking a deep breath, Dean kept on screaming.

“CAS I WAITED FOR YOU, YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME NOW.”

“DON’T YOU EVEN THINK I WILL EVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS IF YOU DON’T COME BACK.”   
  
“FOR GOODNESS FUCKING SAKE CAS.”   
  
“Please Cas. I need you.”

Between one blink and the next the magic changed, calmed, shrank. Somehow, Castiel managed to wrangle his control back, and now he had it, he should be able to control it from now on, as long as he didn’t lock it away for the next nine years all over again.

“Dean,” Cas breathed out in relief, rushing over to drag Dean into his arms. Dean couldn’t help but smile, Cas was back. “You’re okay! Wait- how are you okay?” Cas sounded really confused, and now that Cas mentioned it, Dean was pretty confused as well… Except… he knew exactly why he was okay.

“I told you your magic wouldn't hurt me,” Dean laughed in relief, “you can’t hurt me, no matter what.”   
  
Cas grinned happily, the sight filling Dean with a warmth he didn’t normally feel. “I’m glad about that, I never want to hurt you.”

They shared happy smiles for a minute before Dean released that they really needed to talk about this whole mess. Just because the force field had kept it contained, didn’t stop what had just happened.

The clearing was decimated, Cas’ eyes had glowed with power, he’d had actual wings, and Dean was certain that if he hadn't been immune, he would be dead, and if the force field hadn’t been there, there would be a lot more damage and a lot more deaths.

“Do you have your magic under control now?” Dean asked in concern, reaching his own magic out to give to the plants in the clearing which were still alive. Hopefully his magic would be able to save everything, he would be sad if his clearing was destroyed because of all this.

“Yeah, I think so,” Cas murmured, blue sparks gathering as Cas tried to gently use his magic. Dean didn’t know what he did, but the clearing started healing even quicker, the grass which Dean had assumed was a lost cause turning green under their feet.

“What are you doing?” Dean asked hesitantly.

“I- I’m not certain,” Cas admitted, “but I can feel the life force of the plants. I think I’m healing them, strengthening their life force.”

“You can do that?” Dean asked, a mixture of shock and excitement coursing through his veins.

“It appears so,” Cas grinned, turning in a slow circle to watch the blue and green slowly start to heal the clearing until it looked just as healthy as it did before they used it for magic practice.

“Well,” Dean laughed, “we seem to have the control mastered, at least the basics of it anyway. Now we just need to figure out what you can do.”

“What about you?” Cas asked, and he sounded genuinely confused, dropping down to sit on the newly healed grass, breathing the clean air deeply into his lungs.

“What about me what?”

“Why don’t we need to figure out what you can do?”

“Because I know what I can do,” Dean said with a shrug, “my powers are pretty run of the mill, you on the other hand can’t even tell what your magic is based on the colours.”

Castiel tilted his head in acceptance, “alright then,” he sighed, “I guess that’ll be next.” There was a moment of silence before Cas continued. “Tomorrow though. Now, I just want to sleep.” He lay down on his back, his face pointed skywards and Dean watched as the blue disappeared from the force field surrounding them.

Dean nodded in agreement, “tomorrow,” he grinned, lying down next to Cas with a soft hum, reaching upwards and watching as the green disappeared from the sky, the final parts of the force field draining away.

Castiel started shifting closer, his eyes fluttering lightly as he curled himself towards Dean.

Dean was unable to keep his smile to himself as he also shifted closer. Within minutes they were completely wrapped around each other, cuddling in the middle of the clearing, the healthy energy of the plants surrounding them as they tried to get their energies back after using their magic for the first time in years.

In the future, as they got more used to it, they would get better, but for now they just wanted to sleep.

They could worry about the rest later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all have an awesome week!!  
> See you in a few days!!


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good news I'm actually on time!! Yay I'm doing okay. I hope you like this chapter!! And I'll see you at the end!!

Castiel woke up slowly, his back stiff from lying on the ground and his neck aching. You'd expect him to wake up in a bad mood, he hurt, it was cold, and his clothes were at least slightly damp, but Dean was lying next to him, his head pillowed on Cas' chest and such a soft, unburdened look on his face that Cas would happily sleep on the forest floor for the rest of his life if he got to see that face more often.

It was a good bit darker than when they went to sleep, still not properly dark, but not light either. It was fairly dusky, the sky was still a light blue colour, but Cas couldn't see the sun and he expected it to start getting properly dark sometime within the next hour.

Castiel closed his eyes again, figuring that Dean needed the rest and this was finally a chance for him to really think about things. Ever since he had got his memory he'd been busy, he'd been deciding who to tell and what was going on and now that he finally had a moment to stop he realised how weird it was.

He had all the memories from being Ethan. He remembered first meeting Dean, he remembered hearing about Cas, he remembered having no idea what his past was.

But he also remembered his past.

He remembered the events which Charlie had told Ethan about, but he also remembered how he had felt when he had been told about them. When he was hearing them as someone with no connection.

He remembered Dean as the happy eight year old, but he also remembered the scary bully, but he also remembered the slowly healing Dean who was slowly opening up to his friends once more.

He remembered two different lives, and although the different years separated them, it still felt like he had lived twice, and he didn't know which one he truly was.

He was Cas, he had accepted that, but it felt like he was not saying that he wasn't Ethan anymore, yet he still was.

He remembered remembering but he also remembered not remembering and all he could hope was that it got easier as he got older.

The wind blew slightly harder and a cold shiver cut through Cas, goose bumps covering the exposed skin on his arms. He stayed as still as he could so that he didn't disturb Dean, but if he had his arms free he would have been rubbing his own arms to try and get some warmth back into the chilled flesh. They would have to go home soon, but Cas just really didn't want to wake Dean up. Even without how cute he looked, he probably wouldn't appreciate being woken up so suddenly, and Cas did not want to know what he would do now he had free use of his magic.

Closing his eyes, Castiel focused on his own magic, very carefully gathering a little bit of it and using it to wake Dean up slowly. If he did it correctly it would be like he was waking naturally, Cas just made it happen now rather than whenever Dean was going to wake up. He squinted in concentration, his tongue peaking out from his mouth as he used his magic, desperate not to lose control like he did last time. He didn't think he would, but he didn't want to risk it, especially not when Dean was involved. Even if his magic wouldn't hurt Dean, he didn't trust it not to do something which would then create a chain reaction which would eventually hurt Dean.

Maybe he was a little paranoid, but it was Dean. He had spent years missing Dean without even realising it. He was not going to allow anything to happen to him.

Dean started shifting, his eyes opening into little slits, glimpses of sleepy emerald green, as he woke up. He stretched his arms above his head, a pleased hum escaping his throat as he stretched his own aches out of his back. He started just a little when he felt Cas under his head, like he had forgotten where he was and who he was with. Dean froze for a moment, and Cas realised that he was still half asleep and really did have no idea what was going on.

"Hello Dean," Cas said, knowing that his voice would tell Dean who was there, without him giving away the fact he knew Dean had been about to start panicking, "did you sleep well?"

Dean coughed a couple of times, clearing his throat, before he answered, his voice still scratchy with sleep. "Yeah thanks, did you?"

Castiel smiled, slowly starting to sit up and brush the dirt off his clothes. "Yes thank you," he said, waiting for Dean to move before he stood up, "however I think it would be best now if we return to my house and talk to Gabe before we get too cold."

Dean nodded in agreement, also standing up and brushing himself off. His posture was relaxed and open, but there was something off in his eyes, like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. "Yeah, we probably need to solve the whole evil parents thing now," Dean said, a hollow laugh filling the words.

Castiel winced, "we don't know if they really are evil," he offered weakly, "they could have saved me from the person who stole me?"

Dean shook his head, a sad smile on his face. "Cas, if they weren't evil, wouldn't they have tried to find your real parents? Wouldn't they have told you that you were adopted?"

Castiel looked down at the floor sadly, "yeah," he whispered, his voice breaking as he finally had to accept that it was really true, "I guess they would have. Are you sure it isn’t possible?"

“I’m sorry Cas,” Dean said, and he actually did look sorry, “but the spell keeping your memories locked away would have worn off years ago if you weren’t in close contact with the spell caster. You said that you’ve moved around a lot, that means that the spell caster has to be one of your parents.”

Cas nodded, feeling stupidly upset now that he knew without a doubt that his parents were evil. Everything they had ever said about them caring about him, or doing stuff for him, was all a lie. His entire life was a lie.

"Hey, it's okay," a heavy hand lands on Cas' shoulder, a reassuring weight, "o understand this is hard, they did basically raise you."

A few moments passed, Castiel was thinking hard, trying to take the fact that his 'parents' were evil and kidnapped him and make it a fact. He knew that he would still care about his parents, but that didn't matter. They had to be stopped, and that was more important than any leftover care he still had for them.

"Alright then," he said, clenching his hands into fists next to him, "let's get home, I'm sure Gabe will be able to help us make a plan."

"A plan for what?"

"We need to find out what my parents wanted to do," Castiel answered, striding out from the clearing and back towards Dean's car, "and then we need to stop them."

A wide smile spread across Dean's face, "hell yeah," he whooped, "let's fucking do this!"

Cas rolled his eyes dramatically, but couldn't stop a matching smile from spreading over his own face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!!  
> Have an awesome week and I'll see you soon!!


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhh I'm here.  
> You very nearly didn't get today's chapter... I didn't have much writing time and literally finished this and edited it straight away and now I'm here.  
> Anyway!! Either way it's here now! Hope you enjoy!!

Dean drove them back to Cas' house, an excited air filling the car, similar to the one which had been there when they had last been in the car hours ago, but completely different at the same time. Last time they were excited about using their magic, excited about being able to work together, excited about finally getting the chance at being their full selves once more. This time they were excited about there being an end. They had finally found an escape for the madness that was their life. A happy ever after was finally in sight, and they refused to let it go again. They could take down Cas’ parents, and the mess which had been part of their lives for the last nine years would be over.

Dean hoped so anyway. It was all he hoped for at the moment. He didn't even need his dream future, even though it would be nice, he just wanted the happy, easy life everyone else seemed to be allowed. He just wanted to be allowed to live his life.

The idea of taking down Cas' parents, the people who separated them for so many years, was exciting. The very thought that Cas would finally be free, free to be Cas, free to be happy, filled Dean with so much joy of his own that he would happily take on an army to make it happen. He would do anything, and he was excited about getting the chance to do something, so long as he didn't look into the details of it, so for the sake of not falling into a depressing spiral Dean was studiously not thinking about the details. When it was just an abstract concept, a promise, a wish, it was fine, but as soon as they tried to figure out the details, Dean knew how it would be.

Details made it real, and reality made it impossible.

They were fully grown adults who had used their magic for their entire lives, they almost definitely had some kind of plan because they seamlessly managed to steal a child from a crowded park, and although Dean couldn't even start to try and understand, he knew they probably had a darker motive then anyone could imagine. It was going to be all of that against what Dean and Cas had. 

Heart, friends, and hopefully the element of surprise.

They would come up with a plan, with Gabe's help, and they would win. They were teenagers, they had more to lose than Cas' parents, they had more to gain as well. Dean just had to keep believing it, because it was his only shot at getting Cas back, and he refused to lose him again. Not after just getting him back.

And okay, maybe Dean was absolutely terrified, but he would hold onto his hope for as long as he was able to. Because he believed in Cas, so he believed they could do this.

"Hey," Dean said, suddenly realising something, "What are your parents' names? I've just realised you never told us."

"I guess it never came up," Cas said with a shrug, which Dean couldn't argue with. Parents' names really never did come up in basic conversation. "My mum is called Naomi and my dad is Marv, though after everything that has happened I don't know if that's their real names."

Dean nodded, he hadn’t exactly been expecting to recognise their names, but he was still disappointing. It would have been great if he could have heard their names and known even a little bit about them, other than what he already knew which was just that they kidnapped Cas and had no problems leaving him alone after a car crash, so he guessed they were pretty overconfident and secure in their ability to keep everyone in the dark about all this - whatever _this_ really was.

By the time Dean parked Baby outside Cas’ house, the stupid long drive no less stupid than it had been all the other times Dean drove along it, he was ready to make a plan. He wasn’t ready to take Cas’ parents down, even the thought of it was more terrifying than everything else in his life ever, but he was ready to plan it, to decide what they would do and try and find out more.

Maybe they would finally get some of their questions answered.

Maybe they would finally find out why they took Cas away all those years ago.

"You coming?" he asked Cas, trying to make his tone as even as possible as he climbed out the car. He couldn't let Cas know how worried he was, or else Cas would start apologising or something equally annoying and Dean refused to let that happen. It didn't matter how scary this was, it was worth it to have Cas back.

"Yeah," Cas replied, but didn't move from his seat for a moment, picking at his fingers in what looked to Dean like worry. He walked round the car to stand next to the passenger side of his car, opening the door so that he was right next to Cas.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just…" Cas sighed loudly, "I'm fine, it's just that as soon as I walk inside that house we are going to start planning how to beat my parents. I know this should have become real ages ago, I just feel like as soon as I walk in it's going to actually be real. This is going to be my real life."

"Maybe it will be," Dean agreed quietly. He had no idea how scary this must be for Cas, but he knew it was pretty damn scary for him and he wasn’t even the one who had been kidnapped and raised by the people they were planning to beat. "But I'll be here with you,” he promised, gazing into Cas’ bright blue eyes in the hope it would show the other boy how sincere he truly was, “and Gabe will be with you, and all of our friends will be with you too."

"Our friends?" Cas echoed in slight confusion, his forehead wrinkling as he squinted at Dean. "Are we going to bring them in?"

"I want to say no," Dean answered, thinking for a moment before he said, "but they would kill us if we left them out, and we are going to need their help to even find out what's going on. Not to mention I prefer the chances of six teenagers and Gabe over two teenagers and Gabe."

Castiel laughed, "yeah, alright," he smiled, "let's do this." With that he climbed out of the car, cautiously linking his hand with Dean’s. Dean didn’t miss a step, even as his heart filled to bursting, just squeezed Cas’ hand and walked inside, looking for Gabriel.

“Did it go well?” Gabe asked when they walked into the living room. He was lounging on one of the armchairs, a smirk blooming across his face when he saw their clasped hands. “I’m going to assume it went very well.” He even added a lewd smirk on the end which just made Cas roll his eyes harder and from the look of things try to ignore the desire to use his magic against him.

Luckily Dean didn’t have the same reservations so all he had to do was concentrate for a moment and seconds later a branch from one of Cas’ parents decorative bushes had reached out and yanked Gabe onto the floor.

“We need your help,” Castiel said before Gabe could either retaliate or start an argument with Dean, “when I tried to use my magic the first time it went crazy, nothing was broken because we made a force field, but if it hadn’t been there-” Cas didn’t finish the sentence, everyone could figure out what he meant on his own. “We need to stop my parents, and we need your help to do that.”

Gabe nodded, instantly sobering as he stood up and sat down properly. “Alright, who do we have who can help? Just us lot?”

“We have friends,” Dean answered quickly, “they will want to help.”

“Give them a call, we will need them here if we are going to figure out what we are going to do.”

“This feels like something best explained face to face,” Dean pointed out slowly, “I’ll gather everyone together, Cas you will have to be the one to tell them what’s going on.”

Cas nodded. “Alright. I can do that.”

Dean smiled, turning to walk back outside, “I know you can,” he said, closing the door softly behind him. This was the weirdest thing that had ever happened to him, but he was a hundred percent okay with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot is really coming now! See you soon!!


	47. Chapter 47

Castiel sat at the top of the stairs, nervously biting his nails. Dean was out there, collecting up all their friends, so that Cas could tell them that he was not actually Ethan, he was in fact Castiel, their long lost friend.

The very thought was terrifying to him. He was their friend, as Cas, he was their friend as Ethan, but what were they going to think when he realised they were one in the same?

Yeah okay. Castiel knew he was overthinking this. There was no reason for them to have a problem with it, except Cas was not only going to turn up and basically come back to life. They thought he was dead, or at least never coming back, and yet here he was.

The problem was after they accepted that Cas was back - or maybe if they accepted Cas was back - then Cas was going to have to ask them to help him. He was going to ask them to put their lives on the line to help him escape his ‘parents’ and Cas was a good ninety percent sure they would agree, they were all too nice for their own good.

But his ‘parents’ were dangerous. They stole an eight year old, they were not the kind of people Cas wanted to let his friends near, but he couldn’t do this by himself.

He was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

He had no idea what to do. He needed to keep his friends safe, when he had nothing, they had been there for him, brightening his life and showing him that his life could me more than it was so far. They gave him something he’d never had before, a real family, who actually loved him. They had accepted him into their group when he was alone, trusted him when he said that Dean wanted to be better, helped him in the normal parts of teenage life, but now he needed help. Now he was asking them to help him in a situation they would be miles away if they had never made friends with him.

He could hear the front door open, the sound of his confused friends walking in. He was at the top of the stairs, out of sight of the door. They didn’t know where he was, and for now he was glad about that.

He just needed a little bit more time to get used to the fact this was his life.

He was Castiel, and in a few moments he was going to go downstairs and tell his friends who he was, and ask them to help him.

He could do this.

“Ethan?” It was Charlie, probably wondering why they were at his house, yet he wasn’t there. Being called Ethan, his - he didn’t want to call it his real name, it wasn’t, he was Cas - but the name he’d become used to in the last nine years, it was weird, but definitely familiar, if not the exact definition of comforting.

“I’ll be down in a minute,” Cas yelled back, running his fingers through his hair.

This was okay. This was fine. He could do this.

He took a few deep breaths, steadying himself, before he walked downstairs. There was no point putting it off any longer, it was like a plaster, best to just rip it off quickly.

"Hello everyone," Castiel smiled as he walked into the room with all his friends in it, reverting back to overly formal now that he was uncomfortable. Gabe was upstairs, probably looking through Cas' stuff, but Dean was here, smiling reassuringly.

"Ethan? Is something wrong? All Dean would say was that you had something to tell us." Jo sounded worried, like she'd spent the entire drive thinking up worst case scenarios.

She probably had.

"What's going on Cher?" Benny asked after Cas had been standing there in silence for what was probably a minute, but felt like eternity.

"I-" Cas started hesitantly, the words sticking in his throat, "I'm not who you think I am." He could see the confusion on all their faces, every single one of them wondering what on earth he could mean, except Dean, who was still trying to reassure him with facial expressions.

"What do you mean?" Kevin asked, his brow furrowed as he tried to figure out what the hell Cas - Ethan - could mean.

"I'm not Ethan," Cas sighed, his heart clenching painfully. He saw his friends shift their stances, sparks appearing as they looked at who they thought was a threat. "Not like that!" he gasped, punching the bridge of his nose.

"Then what do you mean?" Charlie asked, no longer sparking, but still suspicious.

"I am the Ethan you know, and I've been Ethan for the last nine years." He saw the exact moment they started to understand. The exact moment they realised what he was saying.

"And before that?" Jo prompted.

"Before that my name was Castiel Novak."

The room went silent, the only sound filling it was breathing, and even then it was quiet, like no one was even daring to breathe normally in the aftermath of Cas' bombshell.

"You're Cas?" Charlie whispered, her eyes going wide as she looked at Cas again. "What am I saying, you're clearly Cas." She started laughing, but there were tears mixed in, like she wasn't sure if she should laugh or cry, so was doing both.

"Yep, this here is Cassie, and now we need your help to stop some psychopaths," Gabe said as he walked into the room, his magic making firework illusions to surround him. He really was always one to make an entrance.

"Gabriel?" Charlie said in confusion and joy, at the exact same time Benny said, "Psychopaths?"

Gabriel laughed, it was the kind of sound only made by someone who knew how crazy everything was, and had just got used to it by now.

"Yes it's me, Cassie called me, and psychopaths because what sane person would steal an eight year old?"

There were noises of agreement, but once they quietened down, Kevin spoke up.

"What do you need us to do?"


	48. Chapter 48

Dean, Gabe and Cas quickly got everyone caught up on what was going on, telling them everything they knew and mentioning where the blanks still were, so everyone knew what they were looking for. They took it in turns to tell their part, Cas told them about what his parents were like, what he remembered and what he knew based off of that. Dean added in what they knew about Cas' magic being repressed for so long, and what happened after it was released, and Gabe told them how they still didn't actually know what Cas could do with his magic. By the time they finished, everyone else was speechless, looks of equal part shock and determination plastered all over their faces.

They might be caught out by how crazy this was, but they were going to help stop it.

Dean had known all along that they would help, they were Ethan’s friends, and more than that, they were good people. Dean snorted quietly to himself, that was a lie, they were great people. He had avoided them for years because he had known they were too good for someone like him, and time and time again they proved how right he had been. Back then, before Cas came back - before Ethan turned up - and made him realise that he didn't have to be like that, he barely even deserved to share a school with their friends. They would always agree to help someone, the fact that this was one of their best friends only added to that.

They cared about Cas, and they cared about Cas being safe and happy and away from the people who kidnapped him and might be trying to use his magic as a weapon to destroy half the world. Yeah that probably also helped their enthusiasm, they had to live in this world, it would be a bit worrying if it got destroyed.

“Eth- Cas, do your parents have a computer that they keep here?” Charlie asked, jumping straight into business, her eyes lit up in a way which told everyone that she was ready to do her bit to help her friend. Her magic may have been fire, not exactly the most useful when they were just researching to try and find missing facts, but she had other skills. Computer skills which the others couldn't even dream of reaching. Even Kevin, who was as book smart as they come, couldn't do half the things Charlie could with a computer and some spare time.

“Yes I think so,” Cas answered hesitantly, his brow furrowed as he thought, probably trying to figure out what his parents left behind when they normally went on business trips. "It’s in the office,” he gestured blindly down one of the halls and Dean couldn’t stop the small smile which spread across his face. Cas was just adorable. 

Charlie nodded, her own face filling with glee as they basically gave her the go ahead to do a load of illegal stuff. It didn't matter if it was legal or not, if there was a computer here, then Charlie would be able to find out anything they were hiding on it. It's not like it changed much anyway, Dean highly doubted that kidnapping was the only crime which Naomi and Marv had committed.

"You two go check with that," Gabe told them with a wave of his hand, obviously deciding that as the oldest, he was now the leader. "The rest of us will check your parent's collection of lore books." He was addressing Cas, apparently deciding that anyone who wasn't a Novak didn't need addressing. Dean thought it was pretty funny actually, he was looking forward to seeing what happened if Gabe tried to directly tell Jo what to do.

Dean stopped for a moment, realising that while thinking about everything else, he had missed one weird detail. Cas' parents had lore books? The only person Dean had ever known to own lore books was his pseudo-uncle Bobby, and that was because he was just like that. Studying lore had basically been his job, Cas' parent's clearly weren't using the lore for their jobs. As far as he could tell, Cas' parents were, well, psychopaths, and not the kind of people interested in lore just for the joy of it. Actually… looking at it that way… Dean could see exactly why they would have lore. They needed to get their crazy facts from somewhere.

"Your parent's have lore books?" Kevin asked, apparently having the same question as Dean, but without the ensuing answer.

"Yeah, I've never read most of them, a few of them are even in other languages, but by the fact Gabe knows they exist, despite the fact I never told him, I'm sure he'll be able to show you where they are." Cas said, walking out the room with Charlie in tow.

"Even better," Kevin grinned, causing the rest of the room to grumble good naturedly.

"That's it," Benny decided with a grin, "you can have all the  foreign ones, we will read the American ones like normal people."

Everyone nodded, following Gabe down the hall to the library. Dean smiled as he walked, humming a tune under his breath. He was glad they had decided to include everyone else, already this would be so much harder without their skills and knowledge, and they had known for five minutes tops.

Dean was not amazing at research, but he would happily research forever if it kept Cas safe, he almost wished Sam was here, but the kid was only twelve and Dean was not going to bring him into it. Jo seemed to agree with Dean when it came to her attitude on researching, she grumbled plenty, but she was speeding through the books, looking for anything that could help. Kevin was obviously streaking through his pile of books, reading all sorts, Dean was fairly sure a few of them didn’t even use the same alphabet as they did, but Kevin didn’t seem to notice. Benny was reading through his own pile at an average pace, but whenever new books needed fetching he would be off, red sparks surrounding him as he used his magic to move faster than any of them could. Gabe was surrounding them in golden sparkles, but even though he was usually too hyper to sit still, he was sitting there reading the books like a starving man would read directions to free food.

Dean looked up for just a moment, moving yet another useless book to the read pile and picking up a new one. They were all dotted around, sitting in different ways, reading at different speeds, but all there for one reason, one working towards one goal. Despite the silence, despite the weight hanging over each of their shoulders, Dean had never felt such a sense of comradeship.

People always talk about finding silver linings and all that, and Dean had to say, this was definitely a silver lining.


	49. Chapter 49

Cas walked slowly through his house, it was weird to think that he hadn't actually lived here for very long. His parents kept everything in the same place where'er they lived, so no matter how many times they moved Cas always knew exactly where it was. Even his parents' office which he was forbidden to enter. He'd always just assumed it was because they were worried he would mix their important documents up, and maybe that had been a big part of it, or maybe he wasn't allowed in because they were hiding things, and they didn't want him to know.

“Here we are,” he said with a small grimace as he pushed the door open, waving his hands to herd Charlie into the room. Just as he’d expected there was a laptop sitting in the middle of the desk, looking unassuming and normal, even though Cas knew it was unlikely to be as simple as that. The way his life was, that laptop probably held more secrets than he could ever comprehend.

Charlie nodded silently, beelining directly to the laptop and taking a seat on the comfortable looking seat and tucking her feet underneath her, clearly getting comfortable before she started doing what she did best. 

Castiel leaned back against one of the walls, taking the time to look around the room while Charlie cracked her knuckles and set to work. The desk Charlie was sitting at was a dark mahogany colour, clearly expensive and heavy, Cas momentarily wondered where his parents got it from, but he quickly shook that thought train away. He was here to look for clues as to what happened for him to end up in this situation, not judge his parent’s furniture.

Actually… now that he thought about it, he really needed to stop calling them his parents. They weren’t his parents, even if he had been raised to think that they were, so it was basically reflex by now to call them that. He could call them by their names, he guessed, but he didn’t even know if Naomi and Marv were their real names, and he had just called them Mum and Dad all his life, so calling them anything else was just… well probably about as weird as figuring out that he wasn’t Ethan had been.

He sighed quietly, turning his attention back to the room around him in the hopes he would be able to stop thinking about that whole mess that is his life. The books around the room were a lot less depressing than his life.

He could hear Charlie making pleased noises, so Cas could only assume that things were going well for her. Cas wished he’d be able to help, but unfortunately he didn’t know anything about computers. He could use one, but hacking was definitely not something he had the skills for. He wanted to help, he desperately wanted to help everyone as they tried to help him escape. He just… felt useless right now.

“How’s it going?” he asked quietly, not wanting to disturb Charlie if this was a vital moment, but needing to fill the silence that had filled the room, and seemed to be suffocating him under the weight of all its meanings.

“Pretty good actually,” Charlie replied without looking away from the laptop, still typing away as she talked. “Your parents do not have amazing security, it’s good, but not better than me. It will probably only be a few more moments.”

Castiel hummed a vaguely positive sound, but he couldn’t find it within himself to be truly happy. He just wanted this to be over. He wanted to be free, he wanted to be happy, and he wanted life to go back to normal.

But no, apparently the universe hated him and a normal life was too much to ask.

Instead he had stupid bright blue magic which no one knew what it meant, he was kidnapped, had his memory wiped, you know, just the average life for a sixteen year old. By sixteen every normal person had enjoyed at least one of the above.

“I’m in!” Charlie’s sudden shout broke him back out of his thoughts, the pure pride in her voice being enough to chase the darkness away, for just a little bit. Charlie had such a pure way of being proud, it was like she was proud of everyone who helped as well, even if all they did was show her to the office. That was all Cas did, Charlie did the rest, and she was somehow managing to sound proud of the whole room.

“That’s great,” Cas grinned, pushing off the wall to go and stand next to her, leaning against the desk this time. “Alright Mum and Dad, let’s see what secrets you keep over here.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Charlie clicked from one file to another, trying to find anything that might be useful. After the tenth folder of just boring work files, Cas was almost ready to give up.

Luckily, Charlie was a lot more persistent than he was.

A few more minutes, a normal looking email address, and a bit more hacking, and Charlie had something.

“I think this is it,” Charlie grinned, scrolling through a few years of undeleted emails without clicking on any of them. A few of them had attachments, they all had normal enough subjects, but without even looking closer Castiel could tell that this would hold the answers they needed. “They must have been very confident that they wouldn’t be found out,” Charlie hummed, clicking on one of the emails which had the subject ‘your son’. Cas nearly choked before the email had even owned, scared about what would be inside, but he didn’t look away.

He couldn’t.

“Why do you think that?”

“They didn’t delete the emails,” Charlie shrugged, “they must have assumed no one would come looking.”

Cas opened his mouth to reply, but the words dried in his mouth, like water in a desert, when the email suddenly loaded. The black words stole the breath from his lungs as his eyes scanned over it, reading it at least twice before he even began to comprehend it.

He stared at the screen, his mind devoid of any thoughts, the only thing filling it was certain lines from the email. Small ones which jumped out at him and squeezed the life out of all his vital organs.

**_Metatron and Naomi Shurley._ **

**_Your duty to Heaven._ **

**_Looking after the weapon._ **

**_The time is coming._ **

**_Chuck Shurley_ **

“What is this?” Cas asked, his voice cracking as he finally tore his eyes away from the screen, turning to face Charlie instead.

“Give me a minute,” Charlie replied, not unkindly, clicking out of the email and looking through some of the old ones. Not a single word of the next few emails registered to Cas, his kind frozen in what he hoped was shock.

“Oh- oh no,” Charlie whispered, looking up at Cas with a gaze filled with pity, shock, confusion along with a million other emotions Cas couldn’t even begin to understand. “We need to talk to the others.” Charlie stood up, grabbing Cas’ hand and pulling him out of the office and following the noises of the quiet talking from the rest of the group. Cas barely even noticed. He was numb. Empty. Confused. He didn’t know what was happening.

He didn’t know what it all meant.

Metatron? Was that his dad? It made sense, except his dad’s name was Marv. His dad’s name had always been Marv, but apparently it wasn’t.

Shurley? That was the surname of everyone on the email. Ethan’s surname hadn’t been Shurley… Was anything about his previous life real? Apparently not.

Heaven. Time is coming. Weapon. What did it mean? What did any of it mean?

Dean was there, pulling his hands away from his hair which he couldn’t remember grabbing. “It’s okay,” he was muttering, even though it really wasn’t. “We’re here, we will stop them, you don’t have to worry.” Dean didn’t know what he was talking about.

It still made it slightly easier to breathe though.


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!!! I have a new chapter for you all!! Just a warning that real life is going to start stacking up soon, so I'm going to have to go back to weekly updates. That isn't yet, and I should be still updating again in three days, but just warning you that it will be happening before the end of the story.
> 
> Now that I've said that, ON WITH THE STORY!!

Dean had probably read more books while in Cas' parents library than he ever had in his life. Technically he only skimmed them, he didn't fully read them all, but the point still stood. There were a lot of books.

When Dean was younger, he had actually enjoyed reading, but then the whole mess happened and Dean fell off the rails, and a part of that was that he stopped reading. Now he still enjoyed it, well, he didn't really enjoy the lore books which were surrounding him, but he still enjoyed the story lines, but after so many years of not reading, he couldn't read quickly, nor was he very good at concentrating. So he just kind of didn't, but here he was and his only job was to skim read lore books looking for something which would tell them why Castiel was kidnapped, out of everyone in the world, why did they take Cas?

"I think I've found something," Kevin announced, his voice distracted as he continued reading, even while he spoke. It was just one of those things Kevin did, he talked about things without looking away from his book.

"Really? What?" Jo asked, sitting up quickly and flipping her hair over her shoulder. She sounded as excited as everyone else was feeling, but they were allowed to be excited, this was a big thing. If they could just figure out why they wanted Cas, they might be able to figure out how to stop them.

Dean leaned forwards, trying to get a look at the book's spine. It was in a different language, obviously, so Dean couldn't understand it, but the picture had some kind of winged being on the front of it, the wings looking freakishly similar to the wings Cas' magic had given him earlier.

"Nevermind," Kevin sighed, "this is just a book full of prophecies and fables, nothing real."

Dean frowned as well. He wasn't as certain as Kevin seemed to be. That picture, the blue magic, the wings, it looked just like Castiel's.

"Prophecies are more real than you think," Gabe said, "even if it is fake, at least we will know what the legends say about it."

“I don’t think it’s going to be all that fake,” Dean said slowly, unable to look away from the image on the front of the book. He could pretty much hear the confusion in the room, so he quickly elaborated. “The picture on the front of the book, that’s what Cas looked like when he lost control of his magic.”

“Really,” Kevin asked, his eyes lighting up, “that’s great. Benny, I’m going to need you to get any other books they have by this author.” Kevin held up the book, so that the author’s name - Chuck Shurley - is clearly visible. Benny nodded and quickly ran around the library, looking for more books like that one, but Dean is stuck on one simple thing.

“Kevin? What language is that written in?” Dean asked slowly, growing at the spine of the book Kevin was still holding.

“I don’t know,” Kevin admitted, “It’s some kind of dead language. I can read it, but I don’t know what it is.”

“So how does it have a book written in it? And more importantly why do Cas’ parents own the book? Surely they can’t read it?”

“I don’t think they need to,” Benny announced, reappearing suddenly and dropping another couple of books next to Kevin, all of them with the same art style on the front, just depicting different things.

“What do you mean?” Gabe asked, suspicion in his voice like he had an idea what he meant, but didn’t want to believe it. Dean personally had no idea what was going on, but he stayed quiet, hoping that someone would explain without him having to ask.

“These books haven’t been read,” Benny shrugged, “the spines aren’t bent in the slightest, the pages are as clean as new.”

“So they have the books why?”

“Because they expect someone to be able to read them in the future,” Dean said quietly, the realisation making him freeze. They had this here to show someone one day… but who? Cas couldn’t do the language thing, and he definitely couldn’t read a dead language.

Before any of them could say another word, Cas was there. He was pulling at his hair, his eyes wide but unseeing as he stumbled into the room. Everyone went silent for a moment, a few seconds of stillness as everyone tried to figure out what they were seeing, before they all jumped back into movement.

“Cas? Castiel?” Dean shouted, trying to stay calm but failing miserably. Gabe sent him a glare, and he knew what it meant. He took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself before he tried to calm Cas.

“It’s okay,” he started muttering, hoping that the soft tone would calm Castiel, if not the words themselves. He walked forwards slowly, making sure not to startle Cas with quick movements, even if Cas seemed to have no idea what was going on around him, and gently pulled Cas’ hands away from his hair before he would actually hurt himself. He held onto his hands, linking their fingers together. “We’re here, we will stop them, you don’t have to worry.”

It took a couple of minutes but Cas started breathing easier, calming down bit by bit until he was basically back to normal, as long as you ignored the tear tracks running down his face.

“You back with us?” Gabe asked quietly, while Dean just silently ran his hand up and down Cas’ back, offering his support the only way he knew he wasn’t awful at. He may not be able to talk about feelings, but he could be there for people, even if it was more being actually, physically there, rather than being much help.

"Yeah, I'm good," Cas muttered quietly, leaning heavily into Dean's side.

"What happened?" Jo asked, slowly walking over to stand next to them, one of the books held in her hand.

It was Charlie who answered, probably because Cas was too emotional to speak.

"Cas' parents' real names are Metatron and Naomi Shirley, they seem to be working for some kind of cult, called Heaven, and from what we can tell, Cas was meant to be their weapon."

"That's why they made him suppress his magic," Dean realised, "because as soon as he used it, all the pent up magic exploded out of him and would have been destructive if the force field hadn't stopped it."

"I'm a monster," Cas whispered, his voice hoarse, "I was raised to destroy." Dean felt his heart ache, as he shuffled as close to Cas as he physically could.

"No you're not," he whispered, tightening his arms around Castiel's side, "you're whatever you want to be, and you are not a monster."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!!  
> Thank you all so much for reading!!!  
> See you soon!!


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ummm.... so yeah... so it turns out that I still haven't figured out how to keep track of days in quarantine.... Sorry about that.....  
> But here we are!! New chapter!!  
> As always, unbeta'd so if you see any mistakes I'm sorry, please either ignore them or point them out to me in the comments.

The room was quiet for a long moment, everyone thinking through what they had learned and what that meant. Castiel wasn't sure how he felt about any of this. He still believed that he was dangerous. He was brought up to be a weapon, if the force field hadn't been there when he lost control, then he would have killed people, and destroyed everything in his magic’s range. If anyone other than Dean had been there with him, they would be gone, and Cas wasn't sure he would have come back.

Without a word, they all slowly started migrating to the living room. Kevin was still holding the books in his arms, even though Cas couldn’t really see what use they would be when Kevin was the only one who could read them. They all spread out across the room, everyone finding a place to sit or stand - depending on which they preferred - but no one had the words to break the silence.

Castuel found himself collapsing onto one of the couches, Dean pressed against his side just as he had been back in the library. Dean didn’t seem to want to move away, but that was fine with Cas, he didn’t want Dean to move away either. His magic was there, vibrating under his skin, and now he knew what it could do, it scared him a little bit. Dean’s presence calmed it down, as well as him, and that was what he needed if they were going to talk about this.

“What are we going to do now?” Gabe asked quietly, his normally hyperactive nature subdued by the weight Cas could see hanging on everyone's shoulders. This was bigger than any of them had signed up for, and Cas could see that it was worrying them all. This wasn’t just random people stealing a child, this was a cult whose goal was destruction.

A couple of people offered ideas, but none of them were enough. No one knew how to take a cult down, especially when they didn’t even know how big it was. Was it just a few crazy people? Or was it world wide? Was it even possible for a group of teenagers to do anything to even create a dent in the cults hold?

Castiel suddenly realised what he had to do. There was no way they could take the cult on, and not be completely obliterated. A couple of adults had seemed like an impossible task, only made possible by the rest of their friends. This though? Six teenagers and Gabe couldn’t even hope to try it. Best case scenario they would all have their memories wiped and Cas would be moved on once more.

Worst case scenario? Castiel refused to even think about it.

"Everyone go home," Cas sighed tiredly, shuffling away from Dean. He knew that if he stayed where he was, pressed against Dean, he would never be able to let him go. He didn’t want to move, but he needed to keep Dean safe, and that was all he needed to get the strength to move. He needed to keep them all safe.

"Cas?" Gabe asked in confusion, leaning to the side like he was trying to catch Cas' eyes, to see what he was thinking, or why he was doing it, but Cas made sure to look away before he could.

"Yes, you too," he said, his voice not getting any louder. It didn’t matter than even thinking about being left on his own again filled him with fear. Everyone else came first. "All of you need to go."

"Why?" Jo asked, and she sounded angry, like the very thought of leaving now was enough to anger her. Castiel didn’t know why, it wasn’t like there was anything to be angry about.

"Don't you see?" Castiel laughed, but it was a hollow sound, empty, just like he felt. "This isn't two psychos who stole a kid anymore! This is a cult, an entire cult, who are trying to make a weapon with my magic."

"We aren't leaving you." Benny said, his voice hard like he thought he had a choice. Like he thought Cas wouldn’t find a way to force them to leave if he had to. He would play dirty if it was what he needed to do.

"One psycho, a group of psychos, it doesn't change anything. We want to help you." Charlie flipped her hair over her shoulder, crossing her arms and leaning against the wall behind her. 

"It would be best if you all went home," Cas tried to argue again, "I can just go back to being Ethan, play along until I can take them down from the inside." It was the safest option. He would be the only one in any danger, everyone else would be okay. 

"Not happening," Dean snapped, and despite the distance between them Cas could feel how Dean was vibrating with emotion, green sparks appearing around his hands as his control slipped a little bit. "You are not going back to that, I will not let you put yourself back in harm's way."

"What? And you expect me to let you put yourselves in harm's way on my behalf?"

"We want to help you." Kevin sighed, hugging the book in his lap like it would protect him. "You're our friend, we care about you, we couldn't help you back when we were younger, but we want to help you now."

Castiel stared down at the ground, not pulling away when Dean shifted back against his side. He wanted to let the help, the very thought of going back to how things used to be disgusted him, and he definitely couldn't do it alone. But… but his friends were important to him. What would happen if they got hurt? Or he panicked and his magic hurt them? He couldn't live with himself if that happened.

He would rather continue as Ethan than let them get hurt.

"Please Cas," Dean's voice was small, what looked like ears gathering in the corners of his eyes, and both of those together was enough to cause pain to flare up in Castiel's chest. "I can't lose you again." If Cas thought it hurt before, he was proved wrong with those five words.

"I'll still be here," Cas whispered, wiping the tears from Dean's eyes, ignoring the rest of the group who had gone silent. "I'll just be using a different name."

"They made you forget once, they could easily do it again," Dean argued back, and Cas could see the fear in his eyes. Dean would never even think about admitting it, but Cas could see it plain as day. Dean was scared. He was scared of losing Cas. Cas wouldn't be surprised if he was scared of becoming the person he used to be as well.

Castiel opened his mouth to argue, but no words came out. There was something in Dean’s eyes, something about the way he was looking back at Cas, something in his eyes. Dean looked- he looked like Castiel was his everything. Like even the thought of losing him would cause him to lose himself as well.

"Okay," he sighed, finally looking away from Dean to gaze around the room. "I'm not saying I'm okay with you guys putting your lives on the line, but I won't stop you if you decide you want to help.”

“I want to help.” 

“I’m in.” 

“You’re not getting rid of me that easily.” 

“I will happily help Cher.”

“You’re my brother, of course I’m going to help.”

Charlie, Kevin, Jo, Benny and Gabe said in turn, the certainty in their tones filling Castiel’s heart with happiness, even as fear appears in his gut. They are really going to do this. He won’t be able to keep them safe if something goes wrong.

“Dean?” Castiel asked, already knowing what the answer would be, but feeling like it would be best to confirm.

“I’m never leaving you again,” Dean shrugged, “that includes here and now.”

Castiel didn’t know who started it, but three minutes later he had Dean in his arms, hugging him tightly, with Benny and Charlie at his back, and Kevin and Jo behind Dean, Gabe tightly hugging Charlie and Kevin to finish up their rib-achingly tight group hug. It felt like safety, it felt like family.

“Well isn’t this adorable!”

Castiel felt his blood run cold.

No.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really love cliffhangers... I'm guessing you've already figured that out though....


	52. Chapter 52

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!!! I'm on time (ish) for this chapter and have to say... I'm sorry for the last cliffhanger, I hope this clears a few things up.

The room instantly went silent. Dean was certain that if it had been a movie, there would have been the sound of someone dropping something in shock, maybe a close up of a plate shattering to really drive home the point of their plans being destroyed.

But this wasn’t a movie. This was their lives. And no one had been holding any plates. They just slowly untangled themselves from each other, no one speaking as they glared at the two newcomers. All of their faces were grim, a couple of coloured sparks appearing. They didn’t know what to do, they didn’t even have a plan, but that didn’t mean they were going to just give up.

Dean looked between Cas and the one who had spoken, trying to figure out what was going on. Cas looked like he had seen a ghost, mouthing the word 'no' over and over but not releasing a sound. The woman who had spoken on the other hand was just grinning madly, her brown hair tied in a tight bun and her eyes filled with coldness. The man beside her didn't say anything, but his eyes were equally - if not more - cold, his curly black hair a mess like he had been running his hands through it.

Maybe he had been. They were home early and Dean very much doubted them arriving home early just after Cas had got control of his powers and they had found out the truth about them was a coincidence.

Somehow they knew what had been going on while they were away, and Dean could tell they would do whatever they needed to to get their little golden goose back.

Dean didn't know how he knew, no one said anything, and he had never even seen a picture of them before, but Dean knew that they were Cas' 'parents'. The people who had claimed to be Ethan's parents for so long.

And they were back.

Who knew how much they had heard, but it had probably been enough. Even if they hadn’t heard anything, they knew Cas was no longer alone, and judging from their faces they did know more. Just looking at the look in their eyes, the look of distaste, they knew Cas knew the truth.

"Ethan dear, what have we told you about guests?" The woman who Dean figured must be Naomi, asked. Her voice was patronising, like Cas was a misbehaving child. It was such a stupid thing tonsay, especially in the circumstace. Who cared about the rules about guests when they knew Cas had been kidnapped. Yet somehow, something so stupid, was also stupidly chilling. She wasn’t panicking. She wasn’t acting like anything was wrong. And that spoke of someone who knew they had the most power, of someone who knew they would win. All Dean could hope was that they might have a few hidden aces that would throw the adults and let them win.

Castiel didn't reply to Naomi’s question. Dean watched as he clenched his jaw shut and tightened his hands into fists by his side, like he was restraining himself from doing something he would regret. He wasn’t going to talk to her, because that gave her the power she was looking for. She wanted Cas to reply, to go back to his role of Ethan, even if just by name. But Castiel wasn’t going to. Dean was glad, he would be more worried about this whole situation if he couldn't see the fight still left in Cas' eyes. Cas would be able to do this, and they would all be right by his side.

Everyone else in the room seemed to have realised what was going on at around the same time as Dean did, their eyes flickering between everyone else in the room like something would give them the rest of the missing picture. Just one more thing that might give them the upper hand they needed. Dean could see Kevin flicking through the last book and Dean hoped that whatever he was reading was going to be useful. He realised that Kevin had never told them what the prophecy had said, never told them the real reason Cas had been taken. In theory it was probably better. 

The less people who knew, the less people who could give away that they knew, and Dean had the feeling that information would be the ace they needed.

"Oh dear," Naomi tutted, shaking her head. Not a hair on her bread moved, every part of her being was so perfectly controlled that it was at least a massive bit terrifying. They had to take this woman on, and they had to win. And they were definitely not ready for that yet. "Have you decided you're better than us? Do you really believe that you can avoid being what we made you?"

Dean felt anger start to bubble up. How dare she say that. How dare she pretend that Castiel was anything less than he chose to be. Castiel knew his best friend, and what he knew from that was that Cas was a loving kid, kind, amazing. He was more than what Naomi wanted him to be, and Dean hated the thought of Cas thinking he was any less.

"Nature versus nurture," Dean snapped before he could help himself, "and I know which side is going to win, because I'm not sure if you've noticed this, but Cas is much stronger than you can even dream of being." A few of the others in their group nodded, not quite smiles spreading across their faces, but it was better than the hopeless looks from before. They believed in Cas, everyone of them. They believed he was strong enough for this, even when Cas doubted it.

"Exactly, that's why we took him. That's why we made him ours." Naomi's voice was weird, almost lyrical. Like she wasn't speaking for herself. Maybe like she was just echoing something she'd been told for years, maybe something darker. Dean wasn't sure he wanted to know. She sounded smug though, no matter whose words she was saying, she was smug about it. She thought she had just proved them wrong, proved to them that their source of hope was all just a sham.

Dean laughed quietly, "I don't mean his magic," he hissed, taking a step closer to Naomi. Was it a good idea? No. Was he doing it anyway? Definitely. He wasn’t scared of her, not when they all had their own strength on their side. Naomi and Metatron may outpower them all in every physical aspect, but they wouldn’t win. They couldn’t win. Cas, Dean, Gabe, Kevin, Charlie, Benny, Jo, they had everything to lose, and everything to gain. They couldn’t lose, they couldn’t let the others win. "His heart is stronger than yours, his will, his morals. He is stronger than you and you will never be able to take him away."

“He is ours, nothing can change that,” Naomi said, but she wasn’t as sure now, her voice less confident. She knew that the upper hand she had been relying on was slowly falling. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to get Cas back as easily as she had obviously been expecting when she first walked in.

"I will never be yours," Cas shouted, pushing slightly so that he stood in front of his friends, glaring at the people who pretended to be his parents. Dean tried to grab him, pull him back, protect him, but Cas just shook him off, pushing him behind his back so Dean could barely even see what was going on, his main view Cas' back.

“We’ll see about that,” Metatron said - and seriously? What kind of a name was metatron? - his voice pathetic and instantly filling Dean with a sense of distaste. He didn’t know who this guy was, but he was way too mouse like - maybe more rat like actually? - to be as harmless as he looked. This was Cas, their biggest weapon. Their entire plans fell on keeping him under control. They wouldn’t protect him with someone that pathetic unless they had some kind of secret power.

Naomi was clearly in charge, but Metatron was not one to be ignored.

“Well your defiance certainly is a bit of an obstacle to get around,” Naomi hummed, “but it’s not big enough. You can’t win like this. You can’t win with defiance and the power of friendship. This isn’t a fairytale.”

“We know it’s not a fairytale,” someone said from behind Dean, “That just gives us more to lose.” 

“It doesn’t matter how much to you have to lose,” Naomi shrugged, “Normally we would just kill you right now,” everybody in Cas’ body tensed, and Dean was fairly sure the rest of the were doing the same thing, “but you are just kids, and Heaven is a fair and just society.”

Before they could say anything, Naomi took a step closer to them, purple sparks starting to fly off her hands as a ball of light appeared on her palm, growing bigger with each moment that passed.

“What the fuck is that?” Gabe asked, pushing forwards so that everyone except Cas and Dean were behind him and he could try to protect them. Cas was still in the front, Dean behind his back being pushed back every time he tried to walk forwards.

“Memory magic,” Cas whispered quietly, the few words filling Dean with dread. That was what had kept Cas away from him for so long, and if it hit them then it would be what made them lose each other again.

There was nowhere to run, no way to escape.

The purple magic flew towards them, crackling with power, like a wild animal stalking its prey. Naomi’s eyes widened with glee, she knew this was it. She knew this was all her problems solved in one moment.

Dean grabbed onto Cas’ back, wrapping his arms around him and clinging on tightly. If this was it, if this was his last few moments of remembering Cas, he wanted to spend them holding on with all he could. One of Cas’ hands reached back, grabbing onto Dean’s and squeezing tightly.

Purple sparks exploded, light filling the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This cliffhangers are really getting old aren't they.... I would stop but I just find them too funny so fair warning, this fic is cliffhanger central.


	53. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Peeks out from behind a rock* Hi guys....  
> Yeah, sorry I haven't updated yet... life got busy, and I forgot how time worked... but I'm here now! And I'll try to update in time this time!! (However I am going back to school on Monday so we'll have to see how that one goes.)  
> ANYWAY!! Here we go!!

He blinked his eyes slowly, his eyelids sticking together from being so tightly closed for so long, even if it had only been a few seconds at most. It felt like so much longer. The bright purple light of his mum’s spell had filled the room and had been viable even with his closed eyes, and was now leaving bright spots in his vision and causing him to still be mostly blinded as he looked around. He could see the floor, and people’s shoes, but other than that everything was obscured by the patches of light.

He blinked hard a couple of times, trying his best to clear his vision so that he could see what was going on. He was in his house, he could tell that from the carpets, and there were a lot of people in the room, but his vision was still not clear enough for him to see who.

The room was silent around him, two people in front, a small group of five behind him, and someone directly behind, pressed against his back, his hand gripped tightly to the person behind him’s hand. His free hand was held out in front of him, tingling and filled with pins and needles and he knew that if he would be able to see it, it would be surrounded by little blue sparks of power.

"Come along Ethan," one of the two adults in front of him - his mother, he recognised the harsh voice which clearly belonged to someone used to being listened to - encouraged him. "We need to leave now if we want to make our flight."

He smiled, looking behind him at the confused, and worried, looking group gathered behind him. They didn’t have to look so worried, but he knew they wouldn’t stop worrying until they knew that everything was okay. His vision was finally clearing, and he was glad to see that everyone else in the room seemed to be fine. He still had someone plastered to his back, but his magic reassured him that they were fine, they just didn’t want to let go yet.

"Where are we going?" he asked his parents, making sure to put on his most innocent face. They wouldn’t suspect anything was up, and that’s how he needed to keep it. Just for long enough. He didn’t know why, but he knew he needed to stall. "I don't remember a flight being booked."

"We are moving house again, remember," his dad said, completely calm. He somehow managed to sound like the most weasley, harmless person in existence, while still having an underlying edge of danger. It was uncomfortable, and he seriously wondered how he had never noticed it before.

"No thank you," he said easily, keeping his voice as flat and even as he could, trying to avoid any of his feelings from sneaking into his voice. He knew that defying his parents wasn’t a good idea, but he didn’t want to go, and this wasn’t right. He breathed deeply, squeezing the hand he was holding even tighter.

"Excuse me?"

"I'd rather stay here," he said clearly, making sure everyone in the room could hear what he was saying. He needed them all to know. He needed his parents to know. He needed the group behind him to know. He needed the one pressed against his back to know. He wasn’t going anywhere.

"Ethan? We are not staying," his mum hissed, her face starting to contort with rage. He couldn’t tell if she’d figure out what was going on or not, but either way she was angry, and he could tell that every moment he refused, she was getting angrier.

But that was her problem, not his.

"Why not? Why wouldn't I want to stay with my brother? My friends?" the group behind him gasped quietly, hope and joy filling their quiet noises and he let a pleased smile spread across his face. They had been worried, but it was okay. He was still there. "The boy I love?" Cas continued, squeezing Dean's hand, his smile only growing when Dean squeezed back even harder.

"You can remember?"

"Yes, I can," Cas smiled, "My magic blocked your magic before it could reach me. The bright light was a bit dazzling, and I had some stalling to do, but it never actually worked.” There was a moment while everyone absorbed the new information. “Give up. We outnumber you, your magic didn't work. Leave us to live our lives."

"You really thought we would come alone?" Metatron laughed, his voice jovial and enough to send an icy stab through Cas' heart. He may have spent years thinking Metatron was harmless, but hearing him now, he had no idea how anyone could think that. Naomi might do most of the talking, and she might be the one with the memory magic, but he was an unknown factor. They didn’t know what his magic was, they didn’t know what he could do, nor what he would do. He didn’t give anything away, easily wrapping everyone around him to believe his pathetic facade, even while he secretly encouraged everyone from the background.

The only problem was, Cas had no idea what he would encourage them to do.

Less than a second later a flood of people were entering the room, walking straight through the front doors like they owned the place. They marched with heavy feet, their footsteps echoing round the entire house, but especially in the living room where they were all still standing. None of them got any closer than the doors, all of them standing behind Cas' parents like a swarm, an army.

A magical army.

At Cas’ parents disposal.

They looked trained, they looked dangerous, and they looked inhuman, their masks covering their faces hiding any sign of expression or humanity they could have. It was just a sea of black, more than Cas could count, and sparks jumping from every single one of them.

It filled Cas with anger. All of that against a group of teenagers. Gabriel was the oldest, and he was only twenty one. The rest of them were fifteen and sixteen. Teenagers. These psychos were pulling out all the stops, gathering a magical army, against a group of children.

"You are outnumbered Ethan," Naomi echoed Cas’ earlier words, "give in, come with us, and your friends will be fine."

"No," Dean said, managing to push past the arm Cas was still trying to use to keep Dean out of harm's way. "We are not your bargaining chips. We are on Cas' side, and we will fight on his side."

“Fine,” Naomi said with a flick of her wrist, “then you will die on his side as well.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to stop doing this, I'm really sorry!! Luckily I don't think it will be so long this time, I will definitely get one more chapter up before I return to school, which should be in three days time like before.


	54. Chapter 54

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm here guys!!! Almost forgot to post (I've had a busy day) but I remembered so here I am!! Hopefully posting on my phone won't mess anything up....

Dean slipped his legs slightly further apart, bouncing on the balls of his feet, slipping effortlessly into a defensive pose. Naomi was trying to scare them into backing down, frighten them enough that they would let Cas go and would let Heaven take their memories.

Dean was not going to let that happen.

A wave from Naomi was all the warning they got before hell broke loose, the trained soldiers spilling into the room as one, moving like a single entity as they turned their magic onto the small group still standing in the middle of the room.

Dean spun on his heels, making eye contact with everyone on his side.

Charlie.

Kevin.

Jo.

Gabe.

Benny.

Cas.

They nodded at each other, every single one of them knowing what to do. Knowing what they had to do.

The multicoloured sparks started to surround them, water, earth, wind, script, sound, ice magic surrounded them from all sides, but they didn't cower.

They could do this.

Dean felt a few tears appear in his eyes when their own coloured sparks joined the fight, every single one of them not letting their age stand between them and where they wanted to be.

Crimson.

Charlie's flames melted all the ice thrown at them, creating a protective barrier stopping any of the close range fighters from getting close to them unless they were fast enough to avoid burns.

Purple.

A gun appeared in Jo's hands, bullets of magic power shooting out the front of it. Dean looked carefully at the ones who were hit, and were glad to see they were knocked out but still alive.

Good.

They were all too young to become murderers.

Gold.

A large dragon appeared above their circle, flying at anyone who tried to take aim at their group. His illusions couldn't hurt, but they were distracting enough to stop any clear shots at any of them.

Red.

Benny's eyes were flashing while he ran through the fire, his speed too much for the flames to get him, using his strength and speed to knock out even more of the other side.

Navy blue.

Kevin was still reading, his eyes flickering back and forth as he finished the page, his eyes lighting up with knowledge as he jumped forwards to whisper something in Cas' ear, a small smile gracing his face. Dean had no idea what he had found, but he could tell that it was going to be useful.

Blue.

The wings reappeared on Cas' back, his eyes glowed as he lifted off the ground. Dean knew his jaw was falling open in shock, but he couldn't help it. Cas was flying.

Flying towards Naomi.

Green.

Dean used his powers to get past the fire, the plants shielding him while he pushed past Heaven's soldiers. He wasn't letting Cas face his 'parents' on his own. They were evil, but they raised him, and Dean didn't trust them enough to let Cas anywhere near them on his own.

He saw Cas disappear through the door after Naomi and tried to follow, but before he could take two steps Metatron was there, blocking his path with stone grey magic surrounding his hands. Dean realised that he still didn't know what Metatron could do, at the exact moment he realised it was too late. He was going to find out.

"Hello there, I don't think Ethan introduced us," Metatron grinned, his eyes cold in a way which sent shivers down his spine. They were the eyes of a man who didn't care if his opponent was a teenager.

"No, Cas decided that you knew more than enough about him as it was," Dean replied, mentally fist bumping himself when the use of Cas' real name stopped Metatron short. "But don't worry Marv, he told me more than enough about you." It was a bluff, but hopefully it would pay off.

"I can't say the same, but I think I know more than enough about you on my own."

Dean did his best to keep his fear off his face. He had to keep Metatron on his feet. He had to pretend that everything was okay, and worry about the rest later.

"I doubt this will take long," Metatron laughed, silver blasts of light spiralling through the air and hitting Dean square in the chest. "I hope you like my story."

Dean could feel the magic slowly start to take over him. He didn't know what it was doing, if he had known what all the colours meant like some people did, then he would have been fine, but grey wasn’t one of the colours he knew. He didn’t know what it was doing, but he did know that his own magic was trying to resist it, reducing the amount of magic he had left over to fight.

Green sparks surrounded him while he did his best to control as much of his magic as he could. He was out of practice, his magic split between defence and attack that he didn't even know which to focus on first.

"How are your friends doing?" Metatron asked conversationally, easily dodging all of Dean's attacks, while his magic continued to slowly break down Dean's defences. Dean looked over at his friends in confusion, knowing that it was probably just a distraction technique, but needing to know anyway.

What he saw was enough to freeze his heart. The advancing soldiers were slowly getting closer, his friends barely able to keep Heaven's soldiers away. They were still fighting back, but they were tiring quickly, the injuries they had all gained were slowing them down, and Dean knew they wouldn't be able to keep going much longer.

He reached out, fear stopping him from even thinking about his actions as he threw all his magic into protecting his friends. It didn't even matter what happened to him now.

As long as they were okay.

The soldiers closest to the circle fell away, vines and branches battering them away before they can do any more damage.

"Goodbye," Metatron grinned, his words dragging Dean's attention away from his friends and back to Metatron. Back to the pain growing under his sternum.

Back to the darkness starting to surround him.

Back to the slowly fading smirk painted on Metatron's face and the light grey glow still coming from his hands.

"DEAN!"

It was Cas. He was in the doorway. The wings on his back were ragged and ripped. He could barely even stand.

He was falling.

Dean was frozen in place.

He couldn't-

He couldn't-

Cas hit the floor with a thump, his breathing slowing down to the point where Dean could barely see it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had not planned this cliffhanger. It was formed while I was writing and here we are.... I am sorry about it though.


	55. Chapter 55

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this week has been exhausting. I'm sorry I wasn't able to update this week, but hopefully as I get more into the routine of school I will be able to. We are in the home stretch of this story anyway, and I'm fairly sure I will have it all updated before the end of September!!

It was chaos. Complete and utter chaos, Cas couldn’t find any other word to describe it. There was magic flying in every direction, all sorts of colours mixing in the air and exploding sparks across the room. Light blinding everyone from all sides.

Castiel chased Naomi out the door and into the hallway, feeling a bit worried about leaving all his friends to fight all the others, but knowing he had to keep an eye on Naomi. She was heading for the office, that much was clear, it was the only room of interest in the direction she was heading in. She was probably planning to send for help, maybe get some more soldiers, or some kind of weapon they could use to get rid of Cas' friends, but Cas wasn’t going to let her get that far. This was his one shot at freedom, and he was not going to throw it away.

He ran faster, trying to cut her off before she could reach the office. He knew that he was younger, and he was a good runner, and as long as he had enough time he could be able to stop her. He could hear bangs and crashes coming from the lying room, but he was so close, the office door was just at the other end of the hall, but he was just behind Naomi.

With a massive jump which Castiel knew he only managed thanks to his magic, he leapt over Naomi’s head, cutting her off and stopping her in her tracks. He could see anger in her eyes, but other than that she managed to look perfectly composed, like everything she had planned wasn’t falling at her feet. Castiel knew it was dangerous, Naomi looked too calm to not have a plan B, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him.

He could do this.

“Hello again Ethan, I should have expected you to follow me,” Naomi smiled with what Cas was sure she thought was a pleasant grin. Her gaze was calculating as she looked around, her icy eyes finally coming to rest on Ethan’s face, something in them telling Cas that she had come to a decision on a plan. Now Cas just needed to figure out what that plan was. He could see her hands start to spark, and he knew that she was trying to distract him for long enough for her to build up enough magic to try and get rid of his memory again. All he could hope was that was all her plan was, after all he was not planning to keep talking for long enough for that to happen.

His entire life had been the pleasantries leading up to this moment, now it was just time to get this over with and done.

“You won’t win, you realise that right?” Naomi continued, “I’ve been training my entire life for this, we all have. Your friends will crumble soon, if you don’t give in now then everything you are fighting for will be no more. And then what will be the point?”

Castiel breathed deeply, willing her words to slide off him, like water over a duck's back. Kevin had promised him that they would be able to do this, he had promised him that he could do it.

Cas trusted Kevin.

“No,” he said quietly, the strength behind the word still causing it to echo around the hall, “we will win, and it will be you who will lose everything you are fighting for.”

He closed his eyes, digging deep inside just like Kevin told him too, looking for the bright ball of light he’d been promised he would find there.

Kevin had found his magic inside the book, found what his magic was, and how he could use it to unleash his full power. In the midst of the fight he had only had time to give Cas the cliff notes version, but it was simple enough.

Cas had the power of a biblical angel. That’s why they had taken him.

The power of an angel.

Power.

Angel.

They had wanted to use him as a weapon, unleash the power Kevin had told him to use in order to take over the world. The difference was that Cas was going to be in control of it. He was going to control it so it only destroyed what he wanted it to destroy, rather than just everything it touched.

He could do this.

He jumped forwards, getting a few non-magical hits in while he tried to find the power Kevin had told him about. He knew it was inside him somewhere, it was just where that was the problem.

Naomi tried to dodge, but she was trying to build up magic at the same time, her attention divided, not moving quick enough to avoid his punches.

A loud scream from the living room distracted him for long enough for Naomi to start fighting back. She was clearly trained in martial arts and now that she was really trying all Cas could do was black and try to get his upper hand back.

He started walking backwards to avoid her hits, not realising how far he had moved until he was walking through a doorway, back into the living room with all his friends.

Dean was laying on the ground, Gabriel standing in front of him and fighting with Metatron, golden and grey illusions clashing together, blocking each other. He had never known what his dad’s magic was, he had never used it in front of him after all, but he recognised the haze of illusions, and seeing how he and Gabe were fighting made him worry about Dean. Clearly there had been a fight going on before Gabe intervened, and Cas felt overwhelmed by the need to check if Dean was okay. He didn’t know what Metatron had done, but he knew it couldn't be good. He shook his head quickly from side to side, Dean looked like he was still breathing, and for now Naomi was still there, his other friends were still fighting a never ending stream of soldiers, even Kevin was doing what he could, and his magic was not violent magic at all. He could worry about Dean later. He needed to finish this, then he could do whatever he needed to.

“You see?” Naomi laughed, “You are losing. Come with us before we destroy your friends like the pests they are. Come with us, and maybe Heaven will show your friends mercy.”

Castiel took a step forward, blue sparks lighting up his hands. The image of his friends fighting the stream of soldiers, them slowly being overwhelmed, them slowly starting to lose, in the back of his mind.

He focused on the ball of power he knew was inside of him. The image of Gabe and Metatron fighting playing through his mind on a never ending loop. Their magics bouncing off each other, gold and grey engulfing and merging as what were clearly two different kinds of illusion magics fought.

He opened his eyes, glaring at Naomi, his gaze flickering to Metatron for a moment, watching as Gabe started to overpower him, before he returned his gaze to Naomi. He could see Dean, just behind Gabe, collapsed on the floor, a small haze of grey covering him as Metatron did something to him.

“I will not go with you, and you will not win,” he said clearly, slowly starting to release his power. "You've held me and my magic prisoner for years. You've tried to raise me to be a weapon," the more he spoke the more booming his voice became, his eyes starting to glow blue with anger and a warmth he now recognised was wings appearing on his back, "you took me from my friends, my family, the boy I loved and my magics other half, and you thought I would let you take me all over again?"

Blue light exploded out from him, flying outwards, directed at the soldiers of Heaven. He was careful to make sure not to kill any of them, he was going to be the bigger man - even if he was just a teenager - and knock them out, though he might have made sure they would have a splitting headache for at least a week.

Everyone left standing afterwards were bruised and cut and at least half of them looked on the verge of passing out, but they were all there, all alive, and Dean was staggering to his feet.

They had done it.

Somehow, they had won.

And Castiel was very careful not to look this gift horse in the mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look... Is that.... Now a cliffhanger?? Ish anyway.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!! Stay safe and have a wonderful week!!!


	56. Chapter 56

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm.... going to say sorry in advance this time.
> 
> Sorry.

Dean blinked his eyes open slowly, ignoring the burning pain in his sternum as he looked around. The light of the room was slightly blue tinted, like even the light had been affected by Cas' magic, and he could see Cas in the doorway, breathing heavily.

Gabe was in front of him, blocking his view of where he was sure Metatron still was, based off where Gabe was looking, and it was clear that once he had fallen - whatever magic Metatron used was not exactly easy to fight against with plants - Gabe had taken over the fight.

All around him, he could see fallen soldiers and exhausted friends, but it left him wondering one thing.

Was this real?

It seemed too good to be true, and he had seen Cas fall. He had watched with his own two eyes as Cas staggered into the room and fell, his wings in tatters and his magic exhausted, and now he was expected to believe that this was real? That Cas had enough magic to defeat everyone?

"Dean? Are you okay?" Cas had apparently walked over while Dean was thinking, and now he was crouched no next to him, solid, present. He looked real,but Dean wasn't sure if he really wanted to take that risk. Maybe Metatron had killed him, and this was Heaven. The real Heaven… not the cult one.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Dean lied, a relaxed grin on his face to cover up all his thoughts. "I just- we won." He pretended the way he was acting was because he couldn't believe it. And it was. He couldn't believe this was real. But not in the way everyone else would assume.

"We did," Cas smiled, reaching out to help pull Dean to his feet, his eyes sparkling with the kind of joy Dean hadn't seen since he fist disappeared. He didn't let go of his hand after Dean was to his feet, and Dean didn't say anything about it either.

"What are we going to do with that lot?" Gabe asked, walking a couple of steps until he was standing right next to them. "We can't just leave them, they might wake up."

"There is a lot of rope in the garage-" Cas offered slowly, a wicked grin starting to spread across his face.

"Enough for everyone?"

"Yeah, I'd say so."

They all started giggling for a minute, the adrenaline from the day starting to drain away and making them tired, and at least slightly delirious.

"I'll go get it," Cas said, squeezing Dean's hand tightly before he let go and started heading back to the garage.

Gabe followed him, muttering something about helping to carry everything, and as soon as they were gone Dean allowed his face to scrunch up in pain. Pain like that probably wasn't good, but he could worry about all that later, once he had made sure everyone else was safe, and once they had sorted everything out.

He walked over to the rest of their friends, the circle of flames they had been standing in were extinguished, leaving a slightly charred circle on the floor and nothing else.

Kevin was on the floor, hugging his knees and his eyes wide. He looked physically okay, but Dean could tell he was going to need a couple of days to get over the fact that this had happened. 

Dean desperately hoped that this actually had happened. He could see a couple of physical injuries, but no one was dead, no one was dying. This was the best case scenario Dean could see, but if this was just a dream, then he didn't actually want to go back to reality.

Benny was sat on the floor next to Kevin, a few surface wounds littering his arms, as well as at least one deeper one on his side. He was panting heavily, clearly exhausted after using his magic speed for so long.

Charlie and Jo were hugging, both still standing, but only just. There was blood on the floor underneath them, but Dean couldn't see which one of them was the one bleeding. Maybe it was both?

He silently sat down between Benny and Kevin, breathing shallowly because it was the only way to stop it from hurting. None of them said anything, even as Jo and Charlie sank down next to them, but there was an air of comradeship between them. They had won, they were all still together, they were all in one piece.

Cas and Gabe walked back into the room a few minutes later. It was probably about five minutes, but to Dean it felt like both five seconds and five hours at the same time. Time itself was broken, the events of the day smothering it.

"People who are hurt come to me," Cas said, passing his bundle of ropes to Gabe, "I can heal you. Anyone who can go and help Gabe tie people up."

Dean sat and waited as Benny, Jo, and Charlie limped over to Cas, who quickly got to work healing them, the blue glow of his hands stitching their skin back together and even removing the bruising. Dean's sternum still hurt, something underneath it was aching, but it wasn't that important, and Dean could see how exhausted Cas was. He could heal the normal way, and give Cas the chance to rest.

Decision made he climbed to his feet, helping Kevin up after him, and together they grabbed rope off Gabe and started to tie everyone up. The others joined them once they had been healed, Cas joining once he had finished everyone, but Dean quickly chased Cas away again. He was swaying on his feet, pale, and looked about a second away from passing out. Dean was not letting him join in just to pass out.

It took them quite a while to get everyone tied up, there were even more of them than they had realised in the heat of the moment, but once it was done they called the police, explaining everything they had found out and giving the address.

With access to the computer, those emails, both Naomi and Metatron, and all those soldiers, the police would have everything they needed to make arrests, and hopefully enough to take the entire cult down too.

Dean crossed his fingers and pinched his arm and squeezed his eyes shut just to open them again. He breathed deeply to feel the pain and grabbed Cad' hand just to make sure it was solid.

It was all real. It had to be. Dean had never had a dream this realistic, nor had he ever heard of an illusion which could be this detailed.

It was real.

They truly won. They actually defeated Cas' parents. They really did free Cas.

"How are you doing?" He quietly asked Cas, pulling him down onto the nearest seat and curling into his side, too overjoyed at winning to be embarrassed over how clingy he was being.

"Like I need to sleep forever," Cas replied, his head leaning against Dean's so that his gentle breaths fluttered against Dean's hair, "I don't think I have any magic left after that."

Dean chuckled. "I might just join you with that sleeping forever thing."

Cas' hand slowly reached up and started running through Dean's hair, relaxing him even more until he was pretty much melting into Cas' side.

They had won.

A sharp pain suddenly tore through Dean's chest, the pain in his sternum exploding outwards until it filled every muscle in his body. He jumped, falling off the seat and onto the floor and just lay there, gasping for air as it got steadily worse.

He could hear people yelling, everyone yelling. Asking if he was okay. Asking what was going on.

He had no idea what was happening, just that it hurt like hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *psst* (only three chapters left and one is the epilogue)


	57. Chapter 57

Castiel smiled as he ran his fingers through Dean's soft hair, pulling any tangles he found out gently, and occasionally scratching lightly with his fingernails in an almost head massage. The other boy was basically melted into a warm puddle against his side, all of his weight nestled against Cas. It was perfect. They had won. Cas was free, and first thing tomorrow, once the adrenaline had worn off, Cas was going to finally ask Dean to be his boyfriend. He'd been wanting to do it for what felt like forever, and he'd wanted it even more once he had remembered his true identity, but it felt cruel to ask Dean when they didn't know how the fight would go. It would just give Dean more to lose. But now that it was all over, Cas was ready to take that step.

Sudden movement jolted Cas from his thoughts and next thing he knew Dean was on the floor, cries of agony falling from his lips as he twisted and turned. His breathing wasn't right, and his eyes were wide open but unseeing. Cas had no idea how much time passed with him just staring down at Dean in shock, his eyes wide as his brain tried to catch up on what was going on.

Everything had been perfect, but now it was all starting to crumble around him.

"What's going on?" Benny asked, appearing next to them in a blur of red as he used his magic to cross the room. His words snapped Cas out of his daze, but it just gave way for waves and waves of panic to crash over him.

"I- I don't know," Cas replied, his voice wavering and breaking in concern and panic, "we were just relaxing and- and this happened." He knew that he wasn't being helpful, they needed to know what was going on if they wanted to figure out what they could do to help Dean. But knowing it didn't change anything. Cas was almost definitely in shock, and doing anything other than staring at Dean was too difficult.

"Could it be linked to what Metatron did?" Gabe asked suddenly.

Castiel felt his heart stop. Of course, how could he have been so stupid. Dean had stood up, he had acted fine, he had said he didn't need healing, and Cas had believed him. He had believed that Dean would get help if he needed it, forgetting about pretty much everything he knew about Dean at all.

"Dean, no," he whispered, unable to get his voice any louder.

"Is it possible Gabe?" Charlie asked, obviously realising that Cas wasn't able to continue the conversation, "even with his illusion magic?"

"I'd say that yes, with his particular version of it," Gabe said helplessly, "I'm not certain, but I think if he had the correct training then yeah, he'd probably be able to find a way. It would probably be more mental than actually physical, but it would make sense."

"Dean, please," Cas whispered, shaking his shoulder as though it would help rouse him, “please, I just got you back, I can’t lose you again!”

Kevin pushed past Cas as gently as he could, kneeling next to Dean and grabbing one of his arms. Cas was about to attack, getting ready to tear apart anyone who tried to touch his other half, but his rational mind managed to catch up quickly enough to stop himself from hurting Kevin.

Kevin was just checking Dean’s vitals. He wasn’t trying to hurt him. He needed to calm down.

“He’s not doing well,” Kevin informed them all quietly, “How long until the police are going to get here?"

Charlie frowned, clearly thinking it over in her head. Would they be here quick enough to help Dean? Would they be able to finally pass this entire mess into the adults and just get to live their lives?

"They won't be here soon enough," Charlie sighed, "even if they rush here, Dean is deteriorating too quickly, and we would still be relying on the police bringing a medic with them."

A heavy silence filled the room, everyone starting to realise that this might be it. They might not be able to save Dean. They might have won the war, but they might lose this battle, and in this situation every single battle was worth just as much as the entire war.

"I don’t know how to help him, but he’s not going to make it much longer unless we can find some kind of miracle.”

Everyone turned to look at Cas, hope burning bright in their eyes which Cas hated to extinguish, but he knew he couldn't lie to them.

"I don't have enough magic left," he whispered, tears starting to well up in his eyes. "I used it up earlier." I- I can’t save him.” The realisation felt like a tonne of bricks crashing down on him, stealing his breath and crushing his heart.

He couldn’t lose Dean.

Not again.

Not permanently.

Not when this was all his fault.

“Oh no.” Somehow it was Charlie’s quiet whisper that broke him. The almost inaudible two syllables broke through all of Cas’ defences and destroyed him. It wasn’t just him who was going to lose Dean. He had a family, friends, and entire future which he might never get to live.

“Please Dean,” he whimpered, leaning down and pressing a gentle kiss against Dean’s lips. They were soft, warm, and if it hadn’t been for how lax they were, Cas would have been able to imagine that the love of his life wasn’t dying right in front of him.

It almost felt like he was kissing Cas back.

Castiel barely had time to realise that Dean actually was kissing back, before another bright light started filling the room, blinding him even through his closed eyelids. He could feel a pull from deep inside, where his magic normally was, which seemed to move from his chest, to Dean's, and back again.

It could have been hours, it could have been minutes, it could have been years, but by the time Cas pulled away he was panting breathlessly, and he felt like he had run a marathon, yet also more energised than he ever had in his life.

All of those feelings however were overshadowed by the pure relief he felt when he saw Dean's emerald eyes staring lovingly back at him.

"Dean?" Jo's voice was cautious, tears still running down her face as she stared at Dean in shock. "How are you alive?"

"Ummmm… magic I guess?" Dean replied, more of a question than a statement. His eyes were sparkling in a way that Cas could tell meant that he really didn't care, but their friends clearly did.

"But Cas said he was all out of magic, and you were unconscious," Kevin pointed out.

"I don't know," Cas shrugged, "I guess our magics weren't any readier to be split up than we were." He wasn't being serious when he said it, but the longer the words hung in the air, the more true he realised they were.


	58. Chapter 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter of the main story! Just the epilogue left after this! I hope you like it!!!

Cas was still hugging Dean ten minutes later when the police finally arrived. They had moved to the armchair so that their legs didn't fall asleep on the hard ground, and most of the others seemed to have got over Dean's near death experience, or had at least busied themselves with other things, but Cas had yet to let go.

Dean really wasn't complaining.

He was safe, warm, and happy in Cas' arms, and he was planning to stay right where he was for as long as he could.

The police were efficient and quick, taking notes of what everyone said had happened, and letting them show all the evidence they had collected. Once everything had been explained, and proved as much as they could be, the police were ready to help.

"Don't worry kids," Officer Mills, or Jody as she told them to call her, said, "this is definitely enough evidence for them to be locked up for the rest of their lives. They won't be back to hurt you again."

Dean breathed out in relief, but there was still a sense of disappointment inside him. He hated it, hated the fact that he wanted them to suffer. But that cult had caused Dean and Cas and all their friends so much pain, so much suffering over the years.

"I don't suppose you know what magic prisons are like, do you?" Jody asked Dean conversationally, a glint in her eye telling Dean that it was worth paying attention to.

"I can't say I do," Dean replied carefully, leaning his head against Cas' shoulder without taking his eyes off Jody.

"They aren't exactly pleasant places. Your magic is bound so you can't reach it at all, not even a hint. It causes most people to go insane if they are there for too long, and although the henchmen might get a shorter sentence, I doubt your pretend parents are going to get much mercy."

Dean sent Jody a small smile. Maybe they would suffer then. Maybe karma was on Dean's side for once. "Thank you," he mouthed silently. Clearly Jody had seen how he felt about Naomi and Metatron and had decided to put him at ease about a couple of things.

"Okay, well I think that's everything we need," Jody announced, looking around while her underlings collected all the evidence they had pointed out, "we will be in touch, but until then, you lot are free to go.”

  
They all nodded, a couple of yawns thrown in there as they watched the police start to leave, carrying the still unconscious members of Heaven with them as they did so.

"I guess we should head home," Charlie said, her quiet voice breaking the silence that was very quick to settle over the now abandoned house.

"I'll give you guys a lift," Dean said, his words slow in his exhaustion, "I have my car, and I brought you all here so it's only fair."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Eventually it was decided that Gabe would go and stay at the B&B he had booked, which he had stayed in before meeting up with Cas, while everyone else went to their own homes except for Cas who would go to Dean's. Dean doubted his parents would care all that much, and he really didn't want to be separated from Cas now, after everything that had happened.

They dropped everyone off quickly, quiet 'goodbye's and 'see you later's and 'good luck's and 'sleep well's. Normal stuff. Normal things normal people say. It was almost like if they just closed their eyes they could pretend the last eight years never happened. That Cas was never taken. That they never fought a cult.

It did happen.

But that was the past now, and they were all ready to move forwards with their lives.

They were both barely upright by the time Dean opened his front door, thankful that it was unlocked as he squeezed Cas' hand and hoped his parents could save the lecture about staying out late until tomorrow.

He can't see anyone around, and the lights seemed to be off, so he slowly started to lead Cas up to his room, doing his best not to trip on any stairs or accidently fall asleep standing up.

Cas was holding his hand back, just as tightly. Dean couldn't tell if it was to keep them both awake or because he was uncomfortable in Dean's house, but it didn't matter all that much. They were tired, they would sleep in Dean's room, and then tomorrow they could talk about all of this.

"Dean Michael Winchester." They had managed to get to the top of the stairs before they were caught, and Dean couldn’t stop himself from staring longingly at his bedroom door. They were so close to being able to sleep. So close, yet so far. Dean did his best to hold back his sigh at the angry tone, but he wasn't actually sure how well he managed it. If Cas' quiet snort was anything to go off, at least someone heard him.

“Hey Dad,” Dean said with a half smile, leaning against the wall. Both Mary and John were there, their arms crossed while they looked down at Dean with disappointment.

“Where have you been? You left this morning, with barely a word I should point out, and haven’t contacted us once since then! We’ve been worrying for hours!” Dean flinched slightly. He felt bad for worrying his family, but he didn’t regret what he had done. Cas needed to be saved, and Dean was not going to let his family get caught up in it.

“I’m so sorry Mr Winchester,” Cas said politely, dropping Dean’s hand and stepping forwards so that he was subtly shielding Dean with his body. Dean doubted Cas could even tell that he was doing it, and he wasn’t sure if anyone else was picking up on it, but he knew what he was seeing, and it was that Cas was trying to protect him from his own family. Dean melted just a little bit. His- what was Cas to him? He guessed this was just another thing to add to the ‘talk about later’ pile. But whatever he was, it didn’t change the fact that Cas was adorable. “Dean has been with me all day, I should have made sure you knew where he was.” 

“Oh hello Ethan,” Mary said kindly, her entire expression softening as she looked at Dean’s clearly exhausted friend. “It’s lovely to see you again.” Both Dean and Cas winched at the use of Cas’ old name, and Dean knew that this was going to be interesting to explain.

The sound of a door opening echoed around the landing, and Sam poked his head out of his room, a grin spreading across his face when he saw Dean, only for it to grow when he saw Cas as well. “Ethan! What are you doing here?”

“It’s a long story,” Cas muttered, grabbing Dean’s hand in a gesture which Dean knew no one on the landing would miss.

“Very long,” Dean agreed, leaning his head against Cas’ shoulder and enjoying the surprised noises his family made. He liked shocking his family, sue him, this was hilarious. 

“And somewhere along the way you two ended up dating?” Sam asked, apparently deciding that waiting for them to reveal what was going on took too much time.

“Yeah,” Cas tightened his grip on Dean’s hand and dragged him towards his room, “Also I’m Castiel, not Ethan.” Dean just had time to see everyone’s faces drop in shock before the door slammed shut behind him, and Cas gracelessly collapsed onto Dean’s bed, pulling Dean down with him.

“They are going to have so many questions,” Dean laughed breathlessly at the ceiling, wriggling under the covers and curling up against Castiel’s chest.

“Yeah,” Cas agreed, his eyes slipping shut as a hand gently carded through Dean’s hair, “but that’s tomorrow's problem. For now, all we have to do is sleep.”

A small smile took up residence on Dean’s face as he started falling asleep, the steady sound of Cas’ heartbeat under his ear calming him even more.

They had so much to do. So many questions to answer. So many talks to have.

But that was tomorrow's problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND THAT'S IT POPLE!!   
> Just an epilogue left, and that's set a few years in the future.  
> I hope you've all enjoyed coming on this journey with me, and hopefully I'll have the epilogue up sometime within the next week!!


	59. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it guys!!! The last thing I have written and planned for this story. At the moment I'm not planning any time stamps, maybe that will change one day, but as it stands at the moment this is it!! The story is over and it's time to say goodbye!!  
> Thank you to everyone who has read and left kudos and commented, you're all awesome!!  
> And I hope you enjoy the epilogue!!!

Castiel grinned as he packed everything into the basket. It was his and Dean’s third wedding anniversary, and Cas had decided it would be nice to go on a picnic together. They had both been working a lot recently. They were trying to save up to buy a house, and their schedules often conflicted so that they would see each other only in the short gaps between their jobs.

It would all be worth it one day, Cas knew that, but he still missed his husband like you miss the sun in winter.

He made sure to pack multiple blankets, knowing that they wouldn’t be heading home before dark and planning ahead to avoid either of them getting cold in the cool Autumn evening. He double checked the food, making sure they had pie, as well as the cakes that had been made in Gabe’s bakery kitchen that morning. He also made sure they had some savoury stuff, but forgetting that would be forgivable so was a slightly lower priority.

Once he was certain he had everything he walked out to pack the Impala, checking the time to figure out how long it would be before Dean got home. Cas wasn’t working today, so he’d had all the time to plan, but unfortunately Dean hadn’t been able to get the same luxury and had to work his full work day. Cas knew that Dean was just as frustrated about their lack of time together, and he’d felt awful that they weren’t able to spend the full day together.

Hopefully this would make all of that better.

As though summoned by Cas’ thoughts, Dean appeared at the end of the street, walking home from walk while he whistled a cheery tune. Cas could see that he was tired, and for a moment he wondered if it would be a better idea to just scrap his plans and stay in for a dinner at home, but then he saw how Dean’s eyes lit up the moment he saw Cas, and he knew that an evening away was all either of them needed. For now at least.

“Happy anniversary Angel,” Dean grinned, leaning in to give Cas a quick kiss, aware of how exposed they were at the top of their drive. Cas felt the shit in the air as Dean used some of his magic, and couldn’t have held back his smile if he had tried when Dean held out a bouquet of roses that he had just magicked up.

“Happy anniversary Honey,” Cas replied. He knew that his face was probably doing what his brother called the 'melty-lovey' look, but he couldn't help it. He had fought hard to get to where he was in life, and even if it wasn't exactly the white picket fence with two and half kids and a dog, he loved it.

And he loved Dean.

"What's all this anyway?" Dean asked, gesturing to the unlocked Impala and everything Cas had put in the backseat.

"It's for our anniversary. You go and get cleaned up, put on something comfortable, and then we'll go."

Dean looked suspicious for a moment, but evidently decided that Cas was to be trusted because he didn't ask any questions, just nodded and turned around to go and get ready, sending a soft smile over his shoulder as he went.

Castiel knew his own smile was echoing Dean’s as he walked around their house, shutting all the windows and making sure the back door was locked. He had no plans of them coming back here this evening, and it would be stupid to get robbed just because he was too impatient to make sure everything was shut. He quickly cast a protective spell over their entire house, and then they were good to go as soon as Dean was ready.

He settled down in his favourite armchair, pulling down a book to read. He wasn’t really focused on the words though, his thoughts drifting instead to the past. Their lives had been shockingly normal after Cas had been saved. Well, normal compared to the rest of it. His parents had moved house so that he could stay with them, while still staying near Dean and all his other friends. He had finished school, gone to university, grown up, and throughout everything, Dean had stayed his boyfriend.

Well, up until he became his husband that was.

Cas had learnt to control his magic and by now it was as easy as breathing. Sometimes he even managed to forget the mess of his youth. He could forget that he hadn’t used magic for the first sixteen years of his life.

He could forget he had ever been anything but this.

Castiel Winchester.

“Ready to go Angel?” Dean asked, walking over to Cas wearing a well worn-in pair of jeans and his softest flannel. He looked comfortable which was exactly what Cas had asked him to do, and he happily leaned in to kiss his husband.

"Yeah," Cas grinned, "but I'm driving." Dean opened his mouth to argue, but clearly thought better of it because no words came out before he snapped his mouth shut again. Cas was probably the only person who could say 'I'm driving the Impala' and not get yelled at. But then again, it would be unfair if he wasn't able to seeing as he was married to Dean, and the Impala was the only car they had.

"Where are we going anyway?" Dean asked, climbing into the passenger seat and reaching out to change the cassette tape.

"You'll find out soon enough." He just hoped that Dean would enjoy it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The sun was on its way down by the time Cas pulled the car to a stop. It wasn't sunset yet, they probably still had another hour or so of daylight left, but the sun was starting to get low enough to shine in everyone's eyes and it was already starting to lose its warmth.

They walked about five minutes away from the car, finding an empty clearing at the top of the hill and picking their spot. Dean used his magic to move the brambles and thistles which covered the ground.

Castiel lay the blanket out on the ground, placed the basket on one corner of it, then pulled Dean down with him. The view was beautiful, but all of Cas' attention was focused on Dean, easily the most breath-taking thing Cas had ever seen.

They ate, and talked, and cuddled, and traded lazy kisses, and by the time the sun was fully set and the stars were clear in the sky they were wrapped in multiple blankets and each other, as they relaxed back and stared into the never-ending abyss of space.

Castiel cast a spell to keep the bugs out of their little bubble, and Dean absentmindedly healed some of the trees, not even paying attention to his magic as he watched the stars.

"The stars are beautiful tonight," Cas whispered, his head tipped to the side as he watched Dean's shadowy profile, enjoying how his words made the laugh lines on Dean's face deepen.

Dean turned his head so that he was staring right back at Cas, his green eyes bright in the low light of the moon. "You're not even looking at any stars." His laugh was melodic, the quiet sound mixing with the trees swaying in the breeze and the distant call of an owl.

"I disagree. I'm looking at you after all, and you are a star," Cas said, watching as Dean's skin darkened with a blush. "You are all my stars."

With the moon shining down on them, and the brightness of the universe above them, the soft grass underneath the blanket below them, and love flowing through the air in a way that Cas never imagined could be real, they were home.

"I love you Dean."

"I love you too Angel."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this story is over! I've had this idea for over a year now, been writing it since the start of 2020, and it just feels surreal that this is it. I hope you've all enjoyed reading as much as I've enjoyed writing!!! And maybe I'll see you all again on a different story, or maybe not, but I hope you all have an awesome everything!! Day, week, year, life, just it all!!!
> 
> Thank you so much for coming on this ride with me!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! I hope you enjoyed!!
> 
> Just something you might want to know,  
> There will be NO update schedule for this fic. A mixture of school, homework, exams ect, means that I will be updating as I write, so it will be pretty random. I promise that I will continue updating though, if it needs a hiatus, I will tell you, I won't just leave you hanging.  
> Just remember that comments get me writing and writing gets you updates. ;)  
> I hope to see some of you soon!!


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